Walking Into a Room

As the knob twists and the door whips open, the music fills my ears and the steady drumming of my heart quickens. My lungs draw in the warm air that flows around me. It smells of the heavy perfumes of girls seeking attention. One foot in the room and the stares that I felt could have bore a hole through even the thickest winter jacket. Why is everyone looking at me? As I take a second step, the blood rushes to my cheeks and I know my face is flushed. Holding back the urge to leave, I search the room for a friendly face, with little success. Why did I come here?

Walking into a room, self doubt consumed my thoughts. Raised to encompass the virtues of humility and modesty, I believed that if you thought too highly of yourself, you were arrogant and egotistic. In my mind, it was unacceptable to think you were beautiful or intelligent. For a long time, insecurities took over my life. When I would stare into the smudgy mirror above my vanity, all I could see was a mediocre face with brown eyes and dull brown hair. I saw a round nose and crooked teeth hidden behind chapped lips. As I scrutinized more closely, I noticed the freckle on my chin and the scar on my forehead. The bags sitting just below my eyes were more like luggage and the worry lines in my forehead resembled those of my grandmother. I saw someone completely unfamiliar, someone I could hardly recognize.

After enduring years of self-hatred, I came across a quote. Words from the book A Missing Rose by Serdar Özkan sparked a transition that helped me learn to accept myself for who I truly was. His lesson was, “I’m nothing great. But I’m a rose… I’m a rose whether I’m admired or not, I’m a rose whether anyone’s crazy about me or not… Like I said, nothing great. Just a rose… But, do you know what it means to be a rose, my friend? Being a rose means ‘freedom.’ It means not existing by the praises of Others or not ceasing to exist by their disapproval.” These words are forever burned into my mind.

Since the moment that I read the words of Özkan, my life shifted. Day by day, looking at myself in the mirror became easier. As months went by I could look at myself and see a girl filled with hope and ambition. I could see soft skin and rosy cheeks, sparkling, brown eyes and little flecks of blonde glimmering in my hair. When I smiled I noticed a button nose above the pearly white teeth peeking out from beneath my lips. Leaning in towards the mirror to analyze my face closer, I spot the single freckle on my chin and wonder how it got there. I catch sight of the scar sitting just two inches above my eye and remember the moment it happened. The wrinkles and bags I once had vanished, leaving a young woman in their wake. Peering into the mirror, I saw someone familiar, someone I knew better than anyone else.

The familiar feeling of knots in my stomach turned slowly to butterflies as excitement began to surface. Taking smooth strides toward the door, I hear the muffled and steady beat of the music. The knob turns and the door glides open, letting out wisps of warm air and the scent of mixed perfumes. One step in the door and heads turn. Immediately, I question myself. Why am I here? But, quickly ending the thought, I remember Özkan’s words. Reminding myself of his lesson, I realize that caring about others’ perceptions of me only holds me back from the things I strive for in my future. In this revelation, I have matured and bloomed into a young woman with the ambition and drive to reach any goal I set for myself.