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Wake Up. You're Dreaming.

And other thoughts on becoming free of yourself.

By Kristina LicarePublished 7 years ago 5 min read
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I am not what happens to me. I am the space between what happens.

Ever since I was little, I can remember having all sorts of dysfunctional ways of being. Even at a toddler, you could see my anxiety in photographs. When I look back on them now, I think, "How the hell could I have been anxious?" Because at that age, I wasn't even having thoughts. I wasn't wondering or worrying about anything, per se, but what I could feel — was energy.

I could feel the tension between my parents. The anger. The animosity. The feeling in my body that said "This doesn't feel good." An internal story I told myself to make sense of what was happening. So what did I do to soothe that feeling? I reached for food! Of course then, my parents laughed about it, but as this pattern trickled into my young adult life, it began to take me over.

I never gained weight, so in the eyes of others, it was never a "problem," but I was very aware that it wasn't natural to eat as much and as fast as I did — and also, that it wasn't natural to run to the refrigerator whenever I felt dis-ease.

As I began to become conscious of this, I could no longer let it take me over. I started noticing my urge to push, shove, and eat my discomfort away. Whatever the reason, food was the imagined solution. Except for one tiny little detail — it wasn't.

Slowly, I started focusing on what was really happening in this moment —not externally, not who said what or what was going down — but how I was internally reacting. This became far more important than the form my life was taking, as we all know, what happens in the universe is the most unstable thing! It literally changes moment to moment with no hint or hope for where it might be going, regardless of your desires.

As I focused on my reactions, I brought a deep awareness to my feelings. But instead of labeling them — anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, etc. — I began feeling them without the story; without the narrative I had built about what these feelings mean — and why I should repress them!

In doing this, I began to notice — I was not in control of my thoughts or my feelings any more than I was in control of what happened in my life, but I was responsible for choosing how I wanted to respond to the feeling, instead of reacting like a bundle of reflexes. Here's what I noticed:

In my experience, anger was not somebody else's unavoidable, perpetual, shitty behavior. It was heat in my face, a tightness in my chest, and a lack of oxygen flowing throughout my body. Oh.Did you hear that? It wasn't what I thought it was... which allowed me to loosen my unconscious reaction to it. Maybe it wasn't the best feeling, but it certainly wasn't something to get all hot & heavy about — especially over the things I was getting hot & heavy about!

In my experience, sadness was not an unescapable horror — a giant failure or reminder that I'll never win & the game of life is rigged in someone else's favor — it was a deeply embedded & often revisited feeling of weakness, tenderness & vulnerability. Once I realized this, I welcomed sadness. I opened my arms & I embraced this new ability to be open to life without creating stories in my head about what should or shouldn't be. In essence, I was saying, "Life, I forgive you & I accept you. And I allow you to just... be!"

On top of that, I began to understand something huge — whatever it was I was chasing or running from, it was just a feeling. I learned that we don't always need to feel good. We don't always need to "be happy" (oof! I repel this term — it's based on circumstances & it really keeps you from being in the moment.) In fact, if we just allow ourselves to feel the feelings, they return to being exactly that — just feelings. Nothing to want, nothing to desire, nothing to resist, nothing to hide. Just a temporary experience in the body.

Just a temporary experience, like this thought. Like this moment. Like this life.

It sounds simple on paper. But full disclosure — I did not find my "happily ever after." In fact,I did not even become free. I freed myself. And it wasn't a one-time thing that happened after I opened a book, enrolled in a course or camped out all weekend at a seminar. Freedom is the constant moment-to-moment choice we all have to make — to become internally present to witness our thoughts, emotions & experiences without assuming our same old narrative; without creating the pain & suffering we so tenderly cling to in our unconsciousness.

Here, without our stories, we allow life to be. We allow ourselves to be. We require nothing and demand nothing. We forgive life — this grand illusion, this hologram. We bow to the dream of what it means to be human — to be caught in delusion and misunderstanding. And here, we decide to be free — not because we "got what we wanted" or "life went our way," but because now is all there is and free is the only way to be.

So, my love. How can you begin this wild & liberating journey back home to your true self? The self that sits patiently beneath the false self you've been trying to change but keep running into? You can start by becoming aware of the present moment. By becoming acutely aware of your surroundings. Of the sites & scents. Of the cool air on your cheek. Of the hole in your sock inside of your boots! This. Is. Life.

And in that space, that sacred stillness, where I become you & you become me, I'll meet you there.

I'm excited to meet you.

Aren't you excited to meet you? Maybe it's been a while... maybe you never have :)

coping
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