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Wahalalafia (Pt. 9)

My Talk for Bipolar Disorder

By Marie OsuamohPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Hey,

I had a bad dream, so I thought to myself, hey why don’t I write?

At the moment, I’m looking into reading affirmations, specifically Christian ones.

Don't worry, I'm not going to preach to you hahahaha.

I really don't feel like writing, but I've decided that I want to keep up writing, no matter what, because firstly, writing helps me to understand my Wahalalafia better. Secondly, writing is my only catharsis, since I've given up alcohol and I'm trying to reduce how much I'm eating. (Not so successful nowadays.)

Anyway, yeah. Why did I give up alcohol? I know I have an addictive personality, so did not want to risk becoming too dependent on alcohol.

Though I remember when me and my bestie (let's call her Anna), we were steaming in Barcelona! We were absolutely drunk to the point that we were just giggling like school girls! Ahh the funny days. You know, looking back at my childhood, I was not really rebellious. Maybe nowadays I'm more prone to rebellious behaviour. Not too extreme, but I certainly don't have the mentality of a 25-year-old. I think my mentality is more so of a 16-year-old, who has just left school and hasn't gone to university.

Remember, I'm a floater, and therefore it's difficult to keep my feet on the ground.

I wonder why for some of us, Wahalalafia shows itself so readily, when we leave, or when I leave university?! Anyway, Im going to meet up with one of my best friends tomorrow for like a galentine date. She too I think like me, is going through a difficult period!

I'm currently watching How to Get Away with Murder finale, which is so suspenseful! I can't believe it was in the mind of writer to write such good stuff!

I always wonder, why is it that we are so curious about death as human beings? Mortality? The thing is though when I was in the hospital, visiting a relative, I felt that it was a spiritual experience there. Think about it reader, there are people leaving and entering the world, all in the same place.

If you're an atheist or think what I'm saying I'm doolaly, that's fine. I'm not here to judge. It just felt so spiritual. I'm attuned to sensitive experiences. I know I'm sensitive. I know that I wouldn't suit either being a doctor, a soldier or dealing with dead bodies. I think I'd go mad.

I'm happy living in my world of maybe fantasy. As Robbie Williams said:

"The first drug I ever took was fantasy," in the documentary The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive.

That's the thing, I'm very good at fantasy, creative stuff. I'm very expressive, in my work, relationships, conversations, even food. I like spice. I don't like bland food, and I don't do well with boredom, I've never been able to sit still. I remember there were nuns at a church we went to, who complained that I could not stay still, that I was always moving.

I think that's the case, I know I float, and that makes life so much more fun.

A part of me thinks I will continue to float for the rest of my life. It's almost as if I'm in a boat swaying along the waves, enjoying, but fearing every wave and I'm looking for a place to kinda call my own, my home. It's neither a happy or sad place to be. Floating is not sinking, but it's not being on solid ground either. It's a strangely relaxing place to be. Almost like an ASMR experience, ethereal and ever present.

Anyway, chat soon.

bipolar
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About the Creator

Marie Osuamoh

I am what I am. 🤪 ok jokes aside, I’m a 25 year old british Nigerian, with cyclothymia. Trying to understand and navigate life, through music, art and everything in between.

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