Vocal Media Helped With My Depression

My earliest memory of having had suicidal thoughts was when I was ten years old. I don’t remember what triggered it but I remember not wanting to be alive anymore. I was so done with life and I just wanted out. Over the years, my suicidal thoughts became more frequent and more difficult to deal with. I started self-harming when I was a teenager as a coping mechanism. I saw my mental health crumble right inside of me but I didn’t ask for help because mental health isn’t perceived the same as physical health. Mental health is a taboo topic. I was an unstable human being who was always on the verge of a mental breakdown which I’ve already had too many to keep track of. Nobody knew about this because I always put on my ‘Happy Mask’. I was bullied all throughout kindergarten, school, university, and even at work! I just couldn’t stand up for myself. Even my family members and relatives bullied me. Not my parents though. They are the best people in my life. I never told my parents anything. Other than bullying, I’ve experienced many more traumatic events in my life but that is a story for another time. Today, we're focusing on how Vocal Media helped with my depression.

I joined a new workplace where I worked as a Retail Nutritionist. This was when my mental health plunged to the lowest that it can. This new workplace was brimming with toxicity. I wasn’t the only victim there but as my mental health was already at an all-time low, it took a very heavy toll on me. Among the things that went on there were negative communication, exclusion and gossipy behaviour, narcissistic leadership, high employee turnover, no work-life balance, extreme burnout, work duties were purposely misled with unclear instructions, denial of leave approval without a valid reason, public humiliation, harsh criticism and excessive performance monitoring.

Two years later, it came to the point where I became incompetent at work as I got overwhelmed and stressed very easily due to enduring all those toxicity daily for the past two years. I had panic attacks daily when I parked my car before going into work. I even had panic attacks during work but still managed to help customers with my ‘Happy Mask’. And thanks to the face mask we all wore due to Covid-19, no one saw me hyperventilating or my tears caused by my panic attacks. Then came a point where my ‘Happy Mask’ broke. I just couldn’t pretend anymore. My coworkers started to notice the changes in my behaviour and mood.

I decided to quit my job and seek psychiatric help. I just couldn’t take it anymore. There was just too much gaslighting going on at work. I knew I would end up in some sort of mental asylum soon if I didn’t quit. I thought after quitting I would feel better but it didn’t. I had no motivation to do anything. I couldn’t even watch a movie or scroll through social media. I couldn’t do anything that I previously enjoyed. I just stayed in bed for hours daily.

During my first appointment with my psychiatrist, Dr. Salina, she diagnosed me with Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD) which is a type of major depression, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), agoraphobia which is a type social anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and sensory overload which is a feature of autism. I then started taking psychiatric medications but I couldn’t see any difference yet. Suicidal thoughts repeated in my mind as often as we inhale and exhale.

My third appointment with Dr. Salina was postponed to November 2021 due to the sudden rise of Covid-19 cases. I felt lost. I started having frequent panic attacks and mental breakdowns again.

I committed suicide but given the fact that I’m writing this, I obviously failed. I was hospitalized for two days and managed to get an appointment to meet Dr. Salina the following week. Dr. Salina changed my medications. She was in shock when I said I still had suicidal thoughts but I gave her my word that I would not do it again. I really wanted to get better.

My dear cat, Susin, passed away. He was just four and a half years old. He suffered from Feline Immunodeficiency Virus (FIV) which has no cure. I was devastated. My mental health became even worse after this.

Although not a day went by without me thinking of my cat, I finally managed to accept his passing. During this time, my parents and Dr. Salina encouraged me to dig deep into my soul to find out what were my interests. They said I had to do something that I truly like in order to reduce my suicidal thoughts. I hated everything in life at that point and I couldn’t even do simple things that I used to enjoy. But one fine day, it hit me! Writing! I loved to write! Even as a kid I would submit a four-page essay when my classmates only submitted one. I loved to write horror and thriller stories. My depression and anxiety have made me into this crazy over-thinking woman. So I’ve always had a lot of ideas swimming in my brain.

I told Dr. Salina about my passion for writing. She told me to go for it. I was hesitant because the last I wrote was in 2008 so I was afraid I might have lost my touch but she strongly encouraged me. I started to write but it always ended up in mental breakdowns and panic attacks because I couldn’t do the simple task of putting my storyline into words and developing dialogues for the characters. I told Dr. Salina about this at my next appointment and she said it’s because I want my story to be perfect. She said I was putting too much pressure on myself. She suggested I write only to how much my capacity allowed at that moment and that it didn’t have to be perfect. I sighed, “Even if I manage to write it, what’s the point? No one is going to read it.” “Are you writing because you like it or because you want someone to read it?” she asked. “Because I like it”, I answered to which she replied, “That’s it, you are doing this for you. And if you want others to read your stories, you can always post it online.” And that was how I discovered Vocal Media. It took me almost one month to finish my story. That was a very long time considering the fact that my story had no dialogues and was just 800 plus words. But I was proud of myself. I managed to create something despite my depression. The thought of posting it on Vocal Media fueled me.

I posted my first story, Fiery Opportunity. Then I modified two of my older stories and posted them as well. These then lead to more mental breakdowns because no one was reading them. Then I came across these groups on Facebook where Vocal Creators post their stories and read the stories of other creators. I joined those groups and started posting my stories there. I’m so glad I did that, not only because my stories were getting reads but mainly because I made so many nice and kind-hearted friends who happen to be such talented writers.

I’ve already posted seventeen stories within one month in Vocal Media excluding this one. It may not sound like a big achievement but I’m proud of myself because I never thought I would be able to come this far. Vocal Media has really helped a lot with my depression. I don’t stay in bed for the whole day anymore. Instead, I’m always doing something Vocal-related. I’m always either writing a new story, modifying it, doing research for my next piece, posting my stories in groups, or reading the stories of other creators. Also thanks to Vocal Media, I found my hidden talent! Poetry! My teenage self would not have believed this if you were to tell her. I’m starting to feel happy again and I feel like I want to live to see how far I can go with my writing. I sincerely thank my parents and Dr. Salina for all their support but an even bigger thanks to Vocal Media which helped me slowly come out of my crippling depression. I still have panic attacks and mental breakdowns but it has reduced thanks to Vocal. These things take time. To those who are also suffering from mental health issues, I hope things get better for you as they did for me.