Unskinny Nightmares

The first time I noticed I was chubby was when I was six years old, and the back of my hands were rounded from fat, but my friend's hands looked more like flat spheres. I weighed sixty pounds.

When we sat down at the dinner table, I could always eat more than my father, and my parents would smile and marvel at my appetite. By the time I was twelve, I was no longer chubby but still had a rounded look to me, but my mother kept reassuring me that Marilyn Monroe was rounded too, and she was very popular. Marilyn was also my idol, the person I wanted to be just like when I grew up.

At fifteen, I began to notice how large my parents were, but somehow it was acceptable to them. I remember my mother eating a sandwich after dinner, and telling me it took 2,000 calories each day just for your body to function, and that didn't include all the extra things you did that burned calories. Oh my God, imagine if you ran a mile! You could eat over 5,000 calories and not gain an ounce. So why was I so chubby? Somehow none of this made sense.

I began to cut back each day on what I ate. I watched my mother eat two cheeseburgers for dinner, and the more she ate, the less I ate. Soon, I was existing on a few bites of carrots, some cottage cheese, maybe a teaspoon full, and nothing else each day, but I wasn't losing. I started out at 115 pounds, ( I was 5' 7" tall), and then one day I started losing all at once, and I toppled down to 90 pounds in a matter of about a week. I looked like a twelve year old boy, but I was thrilled, and ate even less. I walked every chance I got until eventually I lost my monthly period. I was getting short of breath and getting sick, and even though I wanted to be thin, I knew if I kept going I would die.

Slowly, I began to force myself to eat a bit more each day. It helped that a good looking Italian guy moved in next door and I wanted to get back in shape for him. Eventually, I got back to a normal size, but for the rest of my life I constantly have had to diet. It is said if you are anorexic once, you are always anorexic, and it's about power, not food. I think it's about self love. The more you love yourself, the less you want to starve yourself. When you feel good about having a warm cup of hot chocolate and a muffin right out of the oven, and your tummy feels full and happy, then you know you are okay with being you.

Still, I have had to fight the battle of the bulge all my life. I find no desire to starve myself, I love chocolate too much for that, and there is nothing more restful than waking up in the middle of the night and getting a slice of chocolate cake, pouring some milk, and watching a rerun of House. Then I lie back and continue to watch until my eyes grow heavy. It's just a body, isn't it? And if a guy only wants a perfect body, then he'll never get to know the real me. That's how I see it.

To put this in perspective, I still don't want to be a tank like mom and dad were. But, I don't have to be the thinnest girl on the block anymore either. I love and respect my body for all it has provided me. It has given birth to three healthy and wonderful boys. It has maintained through pneumonia twice, gallbladder surgery, a car accident, and a total hysterectomy. I think that's pretty good for one body. And don't forget that pesky anorexic time when I tried to starve it to death. My body has held up well, and I have learned to care for everything about myself, and to forgive myself for the stupid things I've done along the way. The best way to forgive yourself is to do better now, right now, and not repeat the mistakes you made in the past.

I look at food as fuel, and I try to eat well. I like those little chunks of cheese you get in a package because I like things it takes a while to eat. And, I understand that as you get older, it is a little better to have a few extra pounds on you, because otherwise, especially if you have been heavy at all in your life, your skin tends to sag, and your wrinkles show more. I think I'd rather have the brownie for desert, a nice round face, and skip the wrinkles. After all, I earned them didn't I?