Tumbling Thoughts
Swirling Anxiety & Whirling Agonies
As I write this, my mind is dashing from one idea to the next - "this is stupid, no one will read it" to "but I'm not writing it to be read, I'm writing to get it out" to "you're wasting time, you know you should be working" to "but I can't work when I can't think clearly, so I write."
This is the nature of my anxiety. That feeling of being caught rattling around from thought to thought, none finished before the next one tumbles me into the next spiral.
I was meant to have my second psychology session today, with a therapist I met a few weeks ago and had thought I really connected with. When she didn't show up to our video session and I called up the service, I got a message back saying that she told the receptionist she had thought I was going to cancel as I had told her I was going to change therapists because she had been sick for our first session. Whoever she was speaking about wasn't even me - she had mixed me up with another client.
Logically, I understand that these things happen. Instinctively, I think, "was I that forgettable?" It was such a huge leap for me, to reach out and start getting the help I need. To start working on my trauma so I don't continue to pass it on to my kids, so I can break the cycle of generational harm. I researched her and made my decision carefully, deliberately. I waited weeks even though she was one of the ones booked out. I thought we had a great opening session. And yet, it turns out, she doesn't actually even remember me enough to know that I chose her and liked her enough to open up like that.
It's silly, but it feels like rejection.
I've worked so hard to try to put those feelings in their place. To recognise that the abandonment I have experienced is not about me, necessarily, but about the people who did the abandoning. To realise that though some have rejected me, some have chosen me and keep choosing me.
The worst part is that I am working on not rejecting myself. I'm working on learning to like (and love) this weird mind I live in and with.
It's just exhausting to be constantly battling your own mind. Trying to be good and do good, when you intermittently wish you could just stop and start life over. Not because you hate your life, but because you wish you could be better in the life you're not sure you deserve.
It's a great life. Why do I still struggle in it?
At least now I know it's Anxiety. There's a name. There's a reason why I'm Not Like Everyone Else.
Knowing there's a "what" makes it easy to stop obsessing about "why."
It's just the way it is.
The only thing to do is keep moving forward. To come back up for air after each tumbling wave, suck it in and hold your breath until the waters calm.
About the Creator
T. L. H. Auty
I am passionate about the humanities, and the written word in particular. My writing interests include classics & ancient history, trauma, feminism and motherhood. I love a story that recasts an old form or trope for the modern reader.
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