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Trust the night

by Aspen Bogner about a year ago in family
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2021 color poetry submission

Going insane is easy, it's the coming back that bites. The floor swirls green and begins to roll, the trees whisper sweetly in bright yellow and gold. They tell of a world as yet untold. You listen with interest, and it’s beautifully sweet. You try to paint it, you can’t. You weep. You must eat the fruits of the earth, but how could you ruin the cycle of rebirth? You'll feel better if you eat, you look dead on your feet. I feel fine, better even, I feel simply divine. Why are the colours leaving the earth?

You paint and paint and paint, your art reflects your worth, But none of the colours are right. You sigh and lay down on the rolling, unsteady ground; it's an odd peace you've found. You sit, you sigh, you laugh and cry. You sit on your bum and drink spiced rum, and then the demons come. Brighter than the world around, they talk of worth, of right, of the horrors of night. Come with us to a world of light, we alone know what’s right. You fight, you cry, you trust the light. Everything now is much too bright. Veins grow flowers, rainbow drips from the ceiling for hours, where’s my heart? Being torn apart. Doctor please help, my body is missing. You look just fine, you should try whistling. It's too bright, It hurts. You make art, it gets worse. Abstract, hyper-real, you paint what you feel. It hurts to think, like drowning when you blink. So don't think, they whisper, just let yourself sink. I'm numb.

Who am I? I'm 4, and my mother is screaming. Her words are both bright blue and dark as ink, dripping with red. Slick, brilliant red. You call me a girl and I want to throw up. Pink dress, pink socks, a pink painted rock. I hate the colour pink. "Of course you do," she says with a wink. I'm 12, Mothers words fade to rust as time turns old bonds to dust. "you look like a boy" you don't have my trust. I've found a new world, one that's just as bright as mine. This new world is glowing, it's heavenly, divine. The colours here are real and bright, they're rainbows wrapped around a fight. I'm 16, A stranger calls me sir and I giggle with delight. Everyone has a colour, and the colours feel like light. It's baby blue, sweet pink, and a pale, snowy white. Once again, I trust the light. I'm 18, I go to University. I'm not sure why. I cry, I take a flight, I trust in the light. Not sure how I got there and not willing to stop, I take one more faithful, careless hop. It's too bright, too beautiful. Too right to be real and too real to be right. I'm left on an edge, can't remember the fight. I'm trapped.

Tell me about it, this bright coloured light. Let's have a look at what you're trying to fight. I can’t hear it, I’m too far gone in the light. Tell me your colours and I'll tell you mine. I jump and startle at the line. They're Baby blue, pale pink and soft pale white. I told you my colours, you must help me fight. Come over here she whispers, come, step out of the light. I can't, it's everywhere, please help me fight, I wish, I need, to be alright.

Going insane is easy, it's the coming back that bites. Slowly, slowly, I've dimmed the lights. Medication keeps me alight, through kindness and through spite. The colours aren't dull, but no longer so bright. The demons hate it, but I’ve found a new path. Still rainbows, still a fight, still blue, pink and white, now surrounded by a deep seated wrath. I no longer need to trust in the light, Slowly, slowly, I’ll trust the night.

family

About the author

Aspen Bogner

Queer dissabled student giving it my best

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