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Trans Men Have Hysterectomies

Dealing with Depression and Tough Decisions

By Ethan AlcottPublished 6 years ago 6 min read
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Photo crews to tinybuddah.com

I’m a trans man who has been working on my medical transition for over 2 years now, and I have been quite happy with my changes thus far. It has not been until recently that I have been struck by a wave of depression.

I will be having a hysterectomy in about 2 weeks. I have been waiting to have this surgery since I began my transition. I have been wanting this surgery mainly because I don’t like the function of my reproductive system. I am having this done for the greater purpose of improving my health.

To give you some background information: I was in my first puberty and having fast changes occur all at once. I noticed that unlike a lot of my primarily body-feminine peers I began to change quite differently. I began to have thicker peach fuzz on my face, arms, legs, and full body. I also noticed that I didn’t have a normal menstrual cycle, my voice seemed a bit deeper, and I was a lot bulkier. What I originally thought was maybe I was neither sex or somehow the universe was hearing out my plea to not make me primarily feminine.

A trip to the doctor and some evaluations later I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

Having polycystic ovarian syndrome makes me highly prone to infertility and it brought on a wave of chronic lower abdominal pain. Similar to bad monthly cramps, I lay in bed on the verge of tears from the pain. I have been on testosterone for over two years, but after a year I began to notice that I would bleed a little. A little turned into months of non-stop heavy bleeding, low energy, and increased pain.

I have no set diagnosis for what this pain and horror is, but it has been my doctor's thoughts that I may have endometriosis. I have had many tests and ultrasounds done to see what's wrong with me but everything is always inconclusive. I would need a laparoscopic surgery to diagnose this as endo, but I already have had my mind set on having a hysterectomy. So I talked with my surgeon and this will be my end-all to this pain and dread.

But why have I gotten depressed over something that I've wanted for years?

I keep over-thinking if this is still something I want to go through with right now. I keep thinking about what it would be like to carry a child. I have never thought about this as much as I have this past month.

I have had dreams of being pregnant and then a child disappearing. Dreams of me holding a newborn and being flooded with warmth and joy all over. I don't know what to make of all this exactly, but I know that my mind is fluttering with too many thoughts.

I've laid awake wondering what my life would be like if I had a child or if I chose not to at all. This has all triggered me into overlooking my transition and what choices I want to make for myself in the future.

Was this the right choice for me? Will I ever be happy in my own skin? Why do I keep having negative feelings flood me? I thought that transitioning would be my answer to happiness.

I was wrong. It only brings on other issues to deal with.

This depression has changed my mood and has sucked out my life force some days. There are many good days, but out of nowhere I get hit with a really bad one. I’ll be lying around not doing much for a day, and suddenly go into a frenzy and shower 5 times a day because I feel completely disgusting. It makes me want to rip off my skin and scratch away all the negative parts I don't want.

I try to be happy overall, and all of my changes make me very happy as of right now. I secretly still get bad dysphoria with my body. I just want to stand and scream out and change instantly into who I want to be. I'm not asking for much, just enough to feel comfortable with myself and around others.

I've been documenting my transition for years, but being trans hasn't made me suddenly strong. I often get comments on how “strong” I am. Well, joke’s on all of us. I am just as weak and vulnerable as anyone else and here I am showing it. Every day is an emotional struggle. My struggle may be different than a trans person who wants to “pass,” but I have struggles that get to me just as much. This decision and thoughts on family have been my greatest struggle this month.

I also feel that the lack of family I have has increased my thoughts on building my own family. I have one family member left who has always been there, but even with that support, it feels like I am still missing something. A parent to help guide me. I feel alone most days and have no parental figure to turn to, to feel any sort of comfort, or find support. I've lost connection with my family, and maybe will get it back one day but for now, I am here and doing this myself.

I'm struggling with what I truly want for my future. I don't know entirely how that will look or be like, but what I do know is that I just want to be happy and at peace. I know that I will achieve my goals, but FUCK! It's going to take a whole lot of struggling in the meantime.

I understand that I've been feeling sad for a loss. I am feeling the loss of having this option for me and my body in the future. I am losing a choice that I will no longer be able to act upon and control.

I came to realize that I do not feel sad over not having a child, or losing this part of my body. I do not feel sad or confused about my current choices. I know this is the right decision for me and my body.

I am a trans man, and I am mourning the loss of choices over my body. Once I am over the grieving, I know that I will be content with my choice. I am happy for looking after my body and making choices now that will be greater for my future self.

After my surgery, I will begin to heal physically and emotionally. I will begin a path that I can currently only hope will lead me to inner peace. I will start my own healing journey and move toward a different future. This year has changed me, and I know that it has affected my future. I will move on to different goals but continue to pursue happiness and inner balance.

depression
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About the Creator

Ethan Alcott

I'd like to describe myself as a young creative soul. I've had my share of experiences in life and this is a place where I will document some of it. You can jump into my life to find perspective on an abundance of topics. I hope you enjoy!

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