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Toxic Parents Are a Thing

Surviving a toxic parent

By J A N E Y .Published 5 years ago 4 min read
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Parents can be the best and worst thing that happens to us. There is a healing that only they can give us, yet they damage us like no one else. In reality, everything that we are and are to become flows from them. Their nurture can enhance the good or bad of our nature. A toxic parent does both; but only if we choose to grow and learn from how they treat us.

When we get deeply hurt by people who are technically genetically predisposed to love you unconditionally; it hurts on a deep level that is often almost impossible to recover from. I think that it is the deepest unspoken brokenness that we do not talk about enough.

There is a different nature of hurt that can only come from being raised by a toxic parent; it is almost like being broken from the inside out by people that are meant to cherish most in the world. I'm currently trying to restore myself and build my own identity away from a toxic parent. I will share that story in more detail eventually as I heal.

The truth, however, is that parenting is hard we are all human and none of us are perfect, including parents and we all have our flaws; and we need to be aware of the responsibilities that we hold for ourselves in our own lives to nurture our own growth and not be victim to the circumstances of our hurt and pain.

Being raised on criticism, judgment, abuse, and intentional loathing can cause us to inadvertently be toxic to ourselves with self-doubt criticism and affect what we can achieve. The process of healing is a battle fought from within; your life is made out of the choices you make and the circumstances you choose to stay in.

A toxic parent comes in many different forms, but in general neglect or emotional, verbal, or physical abuse are primary. In an article Karen Young said that toxic parents lie, manipulate, ignore, judge, abuse, shame, humiliate and criticize. Nothing is ever good enough. They’ll push you down just to criticize you for the way you fall. That, or they’ll shove you off a cliff to show the world how well they catch you. They oversee childhoods with no warmth, security, or connection.

If that sounds as familiar to you as it did to me, here are some ways you can find the healing that you need, Psychology Today suggests:

1. Recognize that it’s not your fault.

Self-blame, which is a default position, keeps you stymied, and thinking that there’s some flaw in you that you could fix, and things would be fine does too. Realizing that you’re not to blame brings with it the recognition that you cannot fix this on your own; your parent or parents must cooperate.

2. Don’t normalize abusive behavior.

Children normalize the behavior experienced in their families of origin, and it’s not uncommon for them to continue to do so as adults. Don’t excuse or become inured to verbal abuse; register that it’s happening, and react calmly and in a straightforward way. You have the right to set rules about how you wish to be treated, even with a parent or relative.

3. Set boundaries.

You will need to carve out mental space to figure out how to manage the relationship. Do whatever you need to —cutting down contact or limiting it —to be able to do so.

4. Build your emotional skill set.

Try to identify your emotions as precisely as you can—an important part of emotional intelligence—and see if you can trace the source of your feelings, especially when you think about your relationship with your mother and other family members. Work on distinguishing guilt from shame, for example, as well as negative feelings about yourself as either deserving of poor treatment or undeserving of love.

5. Manage your thoughts.

Rumination and worry can keep you totally stuck. Research on intrusive thoughts by Daniel Wegner shows that trying to suppress thoughts only results in their being more persistent, so you need to try other techniques. One suggested by him, is to assign yourself a worrying time; another is to permit yourself to confront those intrusive thoughts and think about the worst-case scenario if those worries came true, and you had to deal with them. Letting go is an art that is hard to learn, but can be mastered.

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About the Creator

J A N E Y .

👑❤💋👑 .. 🔴Pushing Despite It All 🔴Jesus & I talk 🔴Media mogul in the making 🔴🎓= Media Studies Degree 🔴🎓= Honours in Journalism 🔴Have VISION 🔴JUST❤🎵

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