Top Ways to Refrain from Being Taken for Granted

Sometimes, we might feel that a person we love is giving us unfair treatment in our relationship and we often fear to take a step forward and deal with it.

This article is the spiritual successor of “The Trap of Being too Nice”. It provides an extra layer of thought and analysis on the topic of exaggerated niceness by emphasizing its biggest drawback in romantic relationships: being taken for granted.

We will specifically talk about why someone might start taking you for granted and what you can do to avoid this from happening.

Why You Are Taken for Granted

Some of the reasons were covered in the previous article about niceness, but this time we will dive deeper into how they specifically lead to this state of affairs in a relationship.

1. Being too nice

Starting with the obvious one, being overly nice to a person might make you and your actions seem like a given in their minds.

When you are constantly there for your partner or granting them all of their favors without asking much in return, it will shift the balance of the scales in the relationship.

When the scales tilt towards one side, all the people involved in the relationship get affected. The giver feels the absence of equal footing and the taker feels overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things they are gifted.

Then, the person that is bestowed with everything will usually fail to appreciate the true value of the other person and might treat them indifferently.

That’s because it will be difficult for them to evaluate what they need to do for their partner since they will be constantly taking what they want without any effort or without knowing what to give them in return.

2. Weak set of boundaries

When you haven’t formed any firm and specific limits on what you would like to give and what to be offered to you for that, it’s going to make it harder for both people in the relationship. You will not be sure what to ask for and more importantly when to ask for something.

First of all, you won’t feel the impact of the things you provide, hence it’s gonna be difficult to assess the worth of your actions and what is their equivalent. Moreover, you won’t be certain as to which point is best for asking back what you have given since you aren’t confident enough to ask.

On the other side of the coin, your partner won’t be sure as to what to give you to feel content in the relationship since you aren’t sure nor asked for anything you need or want in return.

This puts them under constant pressure; seeing you unhappy and feeling the inequality in the relationship while not understanding if there is something they can contribute, what it is exactly, and when to do it.

Now I will provide you with an example for all the previous points to better comprehend how it all works together. Say, for instance, that you nearly always make the first move in asking your partner for a night out, be it going to a bar, a restaurant, etc.

They have established their boundaries: when they can go out depending on their mood or work and where they would like to go when this happens. However, you keep taking the initiative, always abiding by their program and tastes.

What does this say to them? That you seem content with their decisions no matter what they are and that you want to go out with them regardless of your schedule and preferences.

They neither see you giving specific importance to that task nor prioritizing your wants. This makes them devalue your needs since they aren’t clear or they seem easily fulfilled.

What’s more, while you aren’t making clear what you want from them they will feel bad for saying no every time you ask them out.

That’s because they won’t be sure as to how to act to make you happy and stick to their limits simultaneously — making them seem egotistical in their mind since they will know how to abide by their rules only.

3. Over empathize

Given the information till now, this will be easier to understand. Empathy is described best as “putting yourself in other people’s shoes” and it’s an excellent trait to have and cultivate.

Even so, this trait has its limits too. Over empathizing is when you are regularly trying to comprehend others, leaving you with less energy and space to see what your thoughts and opinions are.

This of course can lead others in taking that spectacular trait of yours for granted, by thinking that you put others first by default or by making them think that you have everything figured out about yourself.

How to Avoid Being Taken for Granted

At this point, I will offer 3 major ways that can help you in fighting this state and fixing the balance in your relationship in correspondence to the previous information.

1. Be more assertive

Tip number one begins with a very obvious statement. Be more assertive and confident in your actions, thoughts, and opinions.

Any person that acts assertively about their beliefs towards their potential or current partner is presumed to be courageous and at peace with themselves, meaning that they can instill a feeling of security into the other person’s mind.

Moreover, being confident about your actions will help you not be taken for granted since the other person will think twice before crossing the line of the limits you have imposed on them about anything — because you seem sure about them and not easy to get influenced and back off.

2. Prioritize your needs

This one is of utmost importance given the fact that it’s connected heavily with both niceness and establishing your boundaries. If you don’t prioritize yourself, no one else will.

Other people can’t read your mind; you need to ask for or give the appropriate amount of attention to anything that you feel it’s important. Hence, a very good practice to prioritize your needs is by learning when to say no.

To aid you with that, I will provide you with 8 questions derived from the book “Becoming Bulletproof” by Evy Poumpouras, that will help you give the right amount of attention to the right things.

Is it truly important?

Do I have to respond to that?

Can I ignore this?

Will my answer create unnecessary drama?

Are there any negative consequences if I don't respond?

Are they trying to make their problems mine?

Is it bait for a fight?

Is this going to distract me from something important?

The answers to these 8 wonderfully put questions can summarize the reasons for giving our attention to someone (2, 4, 5), whether it’s needed to do so (1, 3, 6, 7), and if our own needs will get trampled for that (1, 3, 8).

Pay attention especially to the 1, 3, and 8 questions since their answers will give you more power and value on your wants and needs, as well as aid you in comprehending them and your limits.

3. Distance yourself

The last tip is relatively simple in comparison to the previous ones. When you feel that you are mistreated or that you provide more than the other person, take a step back.

This method is usually used to get a certain point across to your partner by making them wonder about your sudden distant attitude.

Furthermore, you will feel empowered by that since you will feel that you take back the precious attention you give making the scales more balanced in your and the other person’s mind.

“When words make noise, silence can talk.”

- Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

Now, although it’s a great use case for making a point to your partner, just remember that sometimes you might have to face them head-on and discuss your fears, insecurities, and mistreatment you felt you’ve gotten from them; something that can also empower you.

Final Thoughts

Closing the second part of the series, I will impart you with a sentence that helpfully summarizes the above.

Your thoughts, mind, actions, and opinions have value. Don’t give it for free because that derives you from the pleasure of granting and acquiring anything you wish, as well as making it hard for others to get the pleasure of providing you with anything that they can.

And believe me, there are people out there who would love to give you something for everything that you’ve done or will do in the future.

You can further support my work through Ko-fi here:

This article was originally published on Medium at Harrys Stratigakis