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Tonight I Have Fallen

I am not dead, although I feel I might be close to it.

By GracePublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Tonight, I have fallen once again. Not tripping down stairs or falling in love with someone. I mean fallen as in pieces, as in I gave up fighting the depression monster and now I have to ride it out. For those of you with mental illnesses, you totally understand and can feel exactly what I am describing. Fighting tooth and nail to get up in the morning, go about my life that I don't even care to have at this moment. I keep going because I know I can't start from scratch every time I fall down, I have to make sure I still have my life when I get better.

"How are you?" they ask, but do they really care to know? What I want to tell them is every breath takes an effort, and I feel like I am crashing down but instead I just reply with "I am okay, you?" Otherwise, you just type it all up for an awkward conversation with someone you don't even want to be on that level with.

It starts off with thoughts that invade my head that shouldn't be there. Then it is pacing the room and the thoughts go faster the more I pace so then I begin to walk faster. Now I am just running from the thoughts that I will never be able to escape. I get myself together enough to take an Ativan. It doesn't work in time. The ticking in my head grows louder and faster; I can fight this and continue another month like this or I can take this head on and be okay in a couple of weeks? But what happens if you don't ever end up escaping it...

I choose to let it take me down under for a while, I agree to ride this roller coaster. Now I don't at all make a deal with the devil, but I could imagine this is what one could possibly feel like while they do it. But after I take my last "normal" breath in, my heart starts racing and I collapse into the wall or onto the floor and just starting beating and punching it like it that rug just ruined your life for being wrinkled.

After that, then the numbness comes. Now when people ask me if I would rather be numb than feel emotions, absolutely not! This numb feeling for me is the WORST! The thoughts slow down, and they just linger in my mind. I would rather the 1000s of thoughts flying in and out of my head, it doesn't give me time to think and analyze them poisonous things. Everything I do during this time is all very...meh. Spilling a gallon of milk, but I just shrug my shoulders and clean it up. I just look at a mess of thoughts in my head and before I know it, I am on the couch laying down. Not really remembering actually cleaning it up but I know I did it. The thoughts consume every single moment of my life.

If I get big news during this period I would just be like okay that's cool. Can I go back in my black hole? The dark is where we find comfort. The darkness is a symbol of peace, of aloneness. Dark is associated with being in my bed at the end of the day away from everyone and all my responsibilities. Sometimes I feel like if I lay long enough, everything will just forget about me and move on.

You know there is no point in fighting how you feel or with anything else. Once you start to accept the feelings and how low you are, the only way to start getting out of it is to start trekking up the walls. Once we get going, we try running out of it; racing the monster again. We will never be able to run away from the monster. It waits for you in the background.

depression
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About the Creator

Grace

Small town freelance blogger. Bringing you relationship and family content.

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