To The Kids Who Didn't Want To Be Friends With Me

We look back at those playground days of laughter, running in the sports field, and sitting in the field to make necklaces out of the flowers we didn't know were weeds. That was my school, the sports field was used for recess while the playgrounds were being built for the Elementary school. The kids at my school knew how to make the most of it. There was an amalgamation of activities, and that sports field became an imagination of activities. Recess wasn't just playtime, games, and flowers, it was thirty minutes of lessons about who your friends were and weren't. It was a lesson outside of the classroom.

There was me, the little girl that couldn't wait for recess and loved being able to play. I didn't know what I was going to play with, who I was going to play with, would I be able to go to that giant tree shaped like a four to climb on. I loved running across the field, and seeing my shadow in the grass brightened into a neon green from the sun. Sometimes I would pretend my favorite characters were beside me because it was recess, my mind could do whatever it wanted as long it didn't require scholastics.

You never knew what would happen at recess, what activities would happen, or who you would play with. In all five grades, I went through the lesson that not every kid wanted to play with me. As much as I wanted to be a part of it, I started to get the gist that I couldn't play with every kid, even if I asked nicely, I was told to go away or come back in five minutes. There are thirty minutes in recess, I was told that same reason four more times. I had to learn it for myself and only spend time with my friends, but then I never knew if they were going to be my friends in the current recess.

It was a lesson that wasn't taught to me in the classroom. We are taught to be kind to one another, but it's hard for a child to express something that can only shout out of their mouth as "Don't play with us!", it wasn't supposed to come out like that to the other kid. They didn't mean to be mean, they were a kid and didn't know how to politely tell the other kid to not play with them while being understandable to the other kid's perspective. It goes the same for the other child being told to be OK because some kids don't have to play with all the other kids and only want to play with the ones in their friend group. It's no one's fault because it's just a lesson in the evolution of communication, boundaries, and perspective. It's a lesson every kid goes through and it stays with them as a silent lesson. Silent lesson for me after numerous times of being told excuses to get me to go away. I didn't know that I wasn't wanted, and they didn't know how to tell me kindly they didn't want me but it didn't mean they thoughtless of me.

If I were to talk to those kids again with a mature mindset of what I know about perspective, it would be different than when I was quiet and sad. I would tell them I understand why they didn't want me a part of their games, and that they didn't mean to be mean.

I would say-

It's alright, you were a kid, I was a kid. You didn't know that you were being cruel, you didn't know how to tell me you didn't want me there. I wasn't a part of your paradigm of playtime.

I didn't know what you were going through, and you didn't know what I was going through. I didn't think to ask if you just wanted to play with just your friends, and you didn't think that I was just lonely and not many kids played with me. You didn't know that many of my friends didn't want to play with me, and I didn't know why you wanted to play with my friends and not have me included. We never really knew what was in store for those thirty minutes outside the classroom that changed the way we saw each other. Something got miscommunicated, something we both didn't know how to say or even though there was nothing wrong in the first place because we were just kids, it was just a rough recess.

You saw me as the kid that was difficult to play with because I was just happy to be around kids, you didn't know that I didn't have friends before school. You didn't know that I went through leukemia at a young age, the only friends I knew were in the hospital. Then the friends I had in the hospital didn't make it. I didn't know that about the friends I had in the hospital. I didn't a lot of time outside, nor did I spend a lot of time with friends in the hospital. But how were you supposed to know that?

It's ok, you didn't know that part about me, nor did I know how to tell you that it was one of those weird days where my friends didn't want to spend time with me during that particular recess.

We were kids and we weren't old enough to know how to respond or communicate. We just wanted to play, that's what kids want to do. We would eventually learn how to be communicative.

Some kids change and understand how they were unknowingly cruel. A time that lesson comes up to them, it takes time.

This is not meant to be negative or to dwell on the past on those playground days. I don't know what you went through, but I want to offer both perspectives in the story that makes you think about what happened to you. If you’re reading this and you wanted to be a part of the playtime that wouldn't let you play with them. I am so sorry you went through a tough ordeal as a child to be put through cruelty whether it was intentional or not (I don't know the story of your school days, but that's why both perspectives are there to be fair). It isn’t a pain contest for those who had a terrible time in school, I’m not saying that what I went through is worse than what you, the reader went through. Everyone’s pain is valid for what they went through and it should not be judged for how they had to deal with it at that time or what they went through because someone wasn’t there that day to see what happened and only the person who went through the pain. And my heart does go out to those that have trouble like me reiterating what happened to them without feeling that they are being judged for being too sensitive or having no sympathy for the situation. But remember, that kid you knew grew up as you did too, it's OK now. It was a lesson that both of you learned in your way. Maybe, just maybe they are thinking about that time on the playground they didn't want to play with you and regret their action. We never know those things, but forgive that kid that didn't know how to be kind, and forgive yourself for the pain you held onto for so long.