To Grieve is to Heal

"Mmm, I heard about your father, "said my colleague.

I thought a courteous apology would follow that sentence, but what escaped those chapped painted lips was ugly.

"Was he a heavy smoker? I mean, he did die of lung cancer", she asked bluntly and looked straight into my eyes.

I didn't reply but nodded my head.

I was shocked. Her tone implied that he had it coming.

To my disbelief, she had called me to discuss how recklessly her father-in-law was smoking around her year-old daughter. She was worried that it could harm her daughter's health.

I found her behavior utterly confusing. How could she make it about herself right now when it was my moment.

I didn't care for her daughter. I couldn't take more of her pointless rambling and excused myself. I was enraged. There were tears in my eyes, and thoughts ran through my mind.

"Just because my father smoked didn't make it alright for him to die of lung cancer.

Who gave her the right to judge him? That man had his share of problems. His life journey had been arduous".

"Is she so caught up in her world that my loss meant nothing to her?

At this point, I failed to comprehend my colleagues' insensitivity. It was only after my brush with grief that I understood her. The truth was that my colleague was still hurting from the death of her stillborn boy. The pain had taken the form of passive aggression and selfishness. She has not dealt with her grief at the right time and in a healthy way.

There were many other instances where people would undermine my sorrow and make it about themselves. Eventually, I stopped expecting others to understand. How could they even?. Unless and until you go through similar experiences, it's difficult for anyone to feel you. Empathy does not come that easy. I learned that it was my loss and mine alone.

People advised me to move on as it was the right thing to do. However, I remember my other colleague who, too, had lost her father at a young age because of lung cancer telling me," cry as much as you want. People lie. They don't know what you are going through. Mother and I cried a lot when pa died. We talked about him all the time. It helped us."

I took her advice and did the same. It had been only a few months since my father's death. So dwelling in his memories didn't help. It worsened the ache. The only thing I deemed fit at that time was to pull myself together and lock up my feelings to start afresh. Down the road, this had only made me angrier and depressed. In short, grief had overpowered me. I failed to comprehend that my colleague was actually talking about finding my own grieving process.

After a year, It didn't hurt like before, but I felt lost and wanted to pause my life. I didn't want to work. I wanted to take a break. However, I believed that this was not the right thing to do.t. It would be like giving up. So, I shifted to an all-girls college. I thought a new environment would do me good, but this was not the case.

Nothing felt right from the first day itself. The behavior of everyone towards me was cold. I guess it was a welcoming gift that every newbie gets. As days went by, I noticed that all these women were downright abusive. They wanted me to suffer just like they did. It is human nature to inflict the same amount of pain and suffering on others that they have been through. Hence, the circle of abuse.

When I got to know my colleagues more, I had grasped that they behaved like this because they were still hurting from their past wounds. They dragged this hurt of theirs to put it on others. The uncared pain had made them toxic. Instead of overcoming their grief, they resorted to bullying because that's what happened to them. Until and unless we don't find ways to heal ourselves, I learned that time automatically doesn't do it for us.

Observing them led me to look into my issues. I was unhappy and withdrawn. I couldn't make myself smile or get spirited enough. All this negativity irritated me further, and I became impulsive. I acted out in ways that were just not right and silly. For instance, I got so obsessed with finishing my maroon lipstick that I would over apply it. I noticed this only when pointed out by others. The demise of my father had hit me hard about how real death is. He was never coming back. By the end of the year, I couldn't go on. The fight had been sucked out of me. Thus, I resigned. I needed time and decided to do some introspection.

I wanted to find what was bothering me. The first thing I did was not force myself to pretend that I was alright. I was sad and angry that my father had left us. It felt unsafe without him. It was vital for me to get in touch with my emotions. I would pen down everything that I felt now that he was gone. I had even started writing messages to him sharing my life experiences. What all had gone through with me. This was my way of not letting him go. I had discerned that my anger was because of the guilt that I had been harboring. I believed that I didn't do justice to my father by not remembering him more. How could I have so quickly decided to move on from him? To forget him? All of this helped ease my guilt. I wasn't angry anymore, but I did feel empty inside.

I knew something was not right. So I began thinking about what he wanted me to be like. My father had always insisted on being true to oneself. So, instead of just passively talking about things. I decided to work on myself. Every day little by little, I began to change for good. In other words, I was healing and growing to be that kind of person he would be proud of. This way, I comforted myself and found my grieving process. I learned that it is not about losing something or someone but finding trust in yourself that you'll be alright despite the hurt. I am far from perfect, but at least I'm at peace now and have my strength back that was lost entirely.

The break and being away from a stressful environment did me good. It's not like I had shut myself from the entire world, but I was just focused on myself more. I had to because it was my loss, and only I could overcome it. To grieve is very important because it teaches us to focus on ourselves. We also grow into being more giving and empathetic. One can talk about the pain and have all the support in the world, but only we need to find a way to heal.