Time To Dig Deep

As a kid that barely listened and skipped most classes at school, especially English, it's an anomaly that I'm even entering a writing challange. 2020 has been tough for many globally riddled with tragedy and mental illness, it was no different for me and my family. Myself, my wife, my now 9yo son, all suffering severe mental illness due to the cards of life we were dealt. I was suicidal twice, almost left behind two beautiful boys 8 and 4 (now 9 and 5) and my wife.

As Covid 19 hit our part of the world in Australia early 2020, our lives took a dramatic turn for the worst. Our business was hit hard by surrounding circumstances, cashflow choked, we couldn't pay our worker's invoices on time, pressure built up from all four corners, anxiety spiked, depression plummeted, mood disorder developed, the numbing began.

I've battled depression since 19yo, but what I experienced last year at 33yo was by far the hardest and worst stuff I've ever been through. Early 2020 was chronic anxiety, depression & moods, late 2020 ended in me living in a completely different, but real reality. As I tried but ceased to find the help and answers I needed that our region offered for mental health help, I fell harder into distrust of people, doctors and structures we rely on to help when in a stage of crisis. This eventually lead to full blown personality disorder & psychosis, a psychological lockdown, stuck in a world of my own beliefs due to the lack of real, available mental health help...the non-existent safety net. My diagnosis has a high number of different mental illnesses I suffered in only a few short months which I might share in another story one day...a mind blender. I am now out of psychosis and left to unravel the aftermath of what I can only describe as the biggest, most horrible, perfect storm of events. My brain has been shattered and I'm here picking up the pieces, I face deja vu daily with life's triggers, but I guess that's much better than not being alive.

So why on earth am I starting a 'fresh start' story with such heaviness? Well because that's my reality and it's also where everything changed for me. I can't talk about a fresh start without giving it context. I do focus on having a PMA (Positive Mind Attitude), this comes and goes in waves. What I'm discovering is that having a PMA is more of a process or destination, rather than just flicking a switch in my mind which I have tried and failed with. I guess just like we pick a goal or a new years resolution out of a hat and say, 'I'm gonna focus and be disciplined on this for a while and see how we go', making changes doesn't just happen overnight, or even 1 month. I've discovered that implementing longterm change for the better is a process of discipline and courage. Neverending self control, discipline and putting yourself in uncomfortable situations to push those limits just a little bit everyday. Just realising this is bloody daunting, because I know myself and once I realise what works for me, I always head in that direction. I just know it's going to be a long, hard road through recovery and into a life I've designed, for myself, with the right structures in place to ensure the events of 2020 never impact my family the way they did. What was once easy for me to do with my outgoing and confident personality is not so easy anymore, it's all hard, even my good days feel like hard work. But I know that there will be a day when it all clicks together, the hard work pays off and my mindset will be unbreakable.

What are the major changes I'm making to better myself and my family? I'm a builder by trade, I've done my fair share in building, plus I'm riddled with triggers from the industry, so now it's time to focus on my talents, skills & creative side, things that I know will make me happy in the long run, not being stuck in the 9 to 5 mentality. I'm still young, I've kept my passions alive enough to start training and learning again, I have a lot of passion around suicide prevention and learning how to help implement real solutions to our region and hopefully nation one day to ensure our youngins, our next generation, our future, do not have to suffer alone as I did. They deserve better opportunities and support when they get stuck in life.

What am I letting go, what resolutions do I have, what tools am I using to this year to help me move forward? To be honest, I'm still recovering, so the first thing I'm doing is taking it easy on myself. I do have a strong will, but impulse has been a cause of mistakes in the past, so slowing down and thinking through for better decision making is my first step. I probably think like most other people that are driven and want to succeed in life, so I know the basics of what moves us forward. One thing in particular that has really helped me over that past 6 months is not so much knowing which direction to go in life, but knowing what to fall back on when things get tough and desperate. Whether it be family, habits, faith, an understanding, etc. Knowing that crawling in life is far better than stopping, this is what has really helped me get through those trenches. Believe it or not, I can spend 2 weeks completely depressed, stressed and moody, but because I tell myself I'm still crawling forward and not going backwards, I always work my way out of a slump, look back and see the progress and lessons. So I do progress forward, because I tell myself I am.

I already know how to move myself forward, I know I am moving forward, I know I have a clean slate on life, so what else is there?

Challenges! This is the one we all run from. Comfort please! As much as I want to comfort myself everyday (and I do), I know this will only bring me back down eventually. I've always thrived by challenging myself, being conditioned. I didn't like that I was afraid of heights in my 20's, so I abseiled off buildings for 2 years for work. That's the kind of person I am. Entering this writing challenge was hard enough, thoughts of anxiety telling me my writing probably isn't up to scratch with these seasoned writers.

The main 3 things I'm challenging myself with this year is firstly to believe in myself, that I can achieve what I set my mind and heart to. Second is breaking through barriers, no matter how small or big. That could be getting up when my alarm actually goes off, going out in public, or getting myself to MMA training. Thirdly I'm going to challenge myself to be satisfied and proud of my daily achievements, no matter how many negatives are thrown my way. I think working on this might just get me a solid PMA down the track.

As well as all the above, I am always grateful. Even though 2020 was a literal nightmare for us, I'm grateful for every lesson I'm now seeing looking back. Experience is a very crucial tool I use for learning, growing & helping others. 2020 topped me up with a world of experience in psychology, mental illness & suicide and I'm looking forward to using it in 2021 and beyond.

Is this year the year of success for me and my family? Well it depends how I choose to measure it. Success goal #1 is self. Success goal #2 is strengthening relationships. Success goal #3 is coming out of debt. I think that's enough to focus on for the first year.