This Is Me: Part 1

True Stories about myself are often hard to write. However life didn't send me on an easy journey, but it certainly brought me to where I am today.

I have gone through more than I should have, battled storms that I nearly did not survive, but life goes on, and I am on a long road to success.

(My own Qoute)

I know that I have written many stories detailing my journey, but those stories are only a part of myself, and I am ready to share more.

I believe opening up is the way to healing; although I still have many permanent scars from my past, I am enjoying the joys of re-discovering myself today.

Let Us Start With The Painful Beginnings

As a child, many would have thought that I was happy because I was always singing, dancing, reading, writing, and listening to music. I always had a smile on my face,

behind that smile was a very deeply unhappy child. One I was afraid to let others see. Of course, I loved my hobbies; I can't remember a time when I wasn't singing, dancing, or both, and I can't remember a time when there wasn't a pen in my eyes or a book in my hands!

Behind that smile was a child, teenager and young adult who grew up struggling with severe bullying both at school and outside of school.

I was bullied for my love of singing, dancing, and music tastes. I was bullied for my personality, bullied because I didn't learn as fast as the other children, bullied for my clothes, bullied because I refused to hit back, and I was bullied for being soft. I was also sexually abused by another teenager at school.

I can't count how many tears I cried behind closed doors. I had dreams of becoming a singer, dancer, and writer, and I wanted to be where the lights were;

performing on stage, in music, plays, song and many things.

I did a few shows at school, I sang in almost every choir, and took part in most plays, even when I didn't get the part.

My Morley High School singing teacher was gutted, because I was supposed to be a Soprano in the school choir which was involved in a play and concert but I didn't make it, because the school drinking water made me so ill that it nearly killed me. It took me many long weeks of sickness, fever, pain, and struggling hard with food before I recovered from that. I was truly gutted because my special moment which I had been waiting for was right in front of me and I couldn't take it.

I spent many nights sobbing in my pillow because I missed my part in that play and concert.

I took part and rehearsed for many things afterwards; though none were like that moment.

That moment was supposed to be my gold; my chance to prove to the world that I could do something great, just for once.

Though it never destroyed my love of music; I am still madly in love with music today.

My dad left us when I was very young. The truth is that it ripped my heart out. I could barely process it and I didn't want to admit it. My heart felt like it was bleeding internally, and there was so much I needed to get out, but I was young, and I had no outlet.

I was quiet before this, but I became depressed, angry, upset, and hurt. Primary School life did not help me either because I was bullied there too.

The bullying followed me to middle school and high school.

I felt ashamed to talk about it because I was the sensitive one. I was always told that I should fight back, but I hated violence, and I hated fighting; as a result, I would stand there and take it. I was afraid to speak out for a very long time.

I didn't speak out until I moved from my first high school to my second high school, and when I tried to speak out, I usually got into trouble, was accused of starting fights, and I got more painful beatings from my peers.

I will add the song that got me through this period. I have loved this song since I was on the potty (confirmed by my mum, who says I used to sing it while potty-training).

However; there is another reason why I loved (and still love this song).

The words from the song were the only way that I could explain the pain that I kept locked up inside me for so long. When I hear this song, it chokes me with tears because it reminds me of what I went through, though at the same time, today, it also reminds me that I got through it, and I am still alive.

Kate Bush: Wuthering Heights (1978)

Video curtsey of YouTube: Accessed by Author, 14/01/2023

Kate Bush sings this song with strong emotion. You can almost hear the feelings of pain that are trapped inside her coming out in the song.

The song lyrics help me to release the pain of being bullied, feeling worthless, and feeling unloved that were trapped inside me at the time, and for many years afterwards.

The bullying was something that I did not just endure in high school. It started properly in primary school, and continued throughout middle school, high school, and into my young adulthood.

It didn't stop until I reached the age of 22 years old. By that point I was falling apart. I had two young children before this, the first being born when I was just 18 years.

These young children witnessed me being beaten, stolen from, and broken into, and they witnessed many other things that they should have never seen. It wasn't just me who was affected, especially after losing home after home to it.

They were too, and nobody heard my cries when I finally spoke out about that either; I got the blame from professionals, friends, and some family who never saw the horrors that we had to endure.

This was just the start of my emotional and rocky journey to where I am now. I will be writing this story in several parts because it is a painful story to write. However; it is good to be able to reveal these parts that I never talked about in my other stories because these are important stories that may save a life, and help professionals understand more about extremely vulnerable people in the position that I was in.

Before you go, I'd appreciate it if you gave these articles a read below; these also tell a story about me, and they are linked to this story.

Please subscribe and look out for part 11 of this story. Thank you so much for getting this far.