They Say Feelings Change

An old record that I am done playing.

It goes around and around reciting the same empty promises.

Reminding me of why I should be angry, resentful, and bitter.

Why everyone is out to get me.

Why I didn’t have it as good as others.

My brain tells me I am suffering and I believe it.

It’s like a train stuck on the same track, but I must find a way to derail it.

My mind makes me think the roof over my head, the food in my fridge and my own humanness is not good enough.

It makes me believe that I will never amount to anything and that the grief I feel is deserved.

My mind dips and curves around all of the special supplements and mood-enhancing foods and pills.

If the Law of Attraction is real then I am attracting more null than fullness.

I am attracting what I think I deserve. I’ve been stuck in a sadness loop, but I am ready to find a way to overcome.

They say emotions change. They are temporary.

Is that true?

Because I find myself always coming back to feeling blue.

A deep sadness, an enemy in my mind telling me my best isn’t good enough and it never will be.

I don’t run around trying to change my feelings with drugs or alcohol, coffee, or sweets. I just let it have its way with me until I am black and blue from the fighting.

Soon enough I surrender and let it have its way with me. It’s easier this way. I cease fighting. I lay still and breathe hoping it will get bored and leave me alone.

Go pick on someone else. Let me be.

Let me rest. Leave me alone.

The surrender might just be where it’s at.

The breathing, the sitting still.

Just feeling the feeling and not trying to escape.

Looking around and taking account of my life.

Being clear and transparent.

This is my struggle.

Is it yours too?

Because many of us are walking around this Earth plane hurting, but you can’t see our bandaids. They are inside. We are wounded, but no one can tell by our fake smiles and our empty words.

We are trudging through this battlefield looking for more like us so that we can lock arms and fight together.

We have been alone too long in our suffering.

It’s time we name it and own it.

It’s time we share about it and try to connect through it.

We have been isolated and afraid, but who hasn’t?

Maybe the secret to attracting what we want is to stop focusing on our lack.

Maybe the grass really is greener on the other side.

I no longer want to fight alone.

This is my battle cry.

I no longer want to suffer alone. Come join me on the firing line to freedom.

It’s worth a try, right?

I know I can’t keep trudging alone.

This or something better.

I open myself up to the possibility of a life I don't want to escape from.

A life full of love and hope.

A life full of happiness and freedom.

I think sometimes the thought of feeling happy scares us. At least it feels scary to me in a way. If I let my guard down who will protect me? If I am smiling and laughing will I be attacked from the backside? When I stop trying to control everything and everyone what will be left of me. I will need to look inside to find my own worth.

I think I am worth giving it a try.

And so are you.