These Past Few Months

by Miranda Hagins about a year ago in depression

The Never Ending Rollercoaster Which is my Life

These Past Few Months

These past few months have been very draining. Emotionally and physically. Every single day I'm faced with new challenges that sometimes take a lot out of me. I have had my walls broken down and built back up. I have lost people and gained some as well. This is just a glimpse into my life.

January was not the best month per-se. I got into a car wreck on New Year’s Day. I rear ended my sister's car, which totaled it. I had a place of uncertainty on how I’m going to be getting places. There was a week where I had to Uber from my college classes to work which wasn’t fun. When I asked if anyone could give me a lift, I finally found who my real friends are. It was weird when I asked people who I always gave rides to, they always turned me down. It was a struggle, January, but I made it through.

February was a really hard draining but fast month for me. This month really brought out my depression, which scared some people because I never acted broken in front of people before. It alarmed everyone, and I started losing people important to me because of my illness. All I would do is push people away because I didn't want to be a burden to anyone.

March just kinda came and went. It was a long, boring month. I did go on my first with this one particular guy I was crazy about. He really made my life into a rollercoaster, a very fun one. I was in a pit of depression and seeing him made me even the tiniest bit better. I got attached and felt really safe whenever I was around him. He sticks around for while.

April was a very mentally and emotionally hard month to live through. During the beginning of the month I was sexually harassed by an older coworker, Max, at my old job, Bed Bath and Beyond. This man was at least five years older than me and kept persisting even after I told him no, many, many times. The first few times all he would do was come up to me and ask me out. Every time, I would say no. He then got super brave and touched my back several times. I asked him to stop, but did he listen? No. One day Max asked what my bra size was, which was really inappropriate. He went as far as asking me if I wanted to have sex, which really made me angry. I was underage, according to the law. If he was expecting a charge, he would've gotten one. I confided in some of my other co-workers and they said the same thing happened to them. I was fed up and I went to management. They did not do anything but suspend him for a week. It seemed I was punished too—for what, though? For being a woman? I was only scheduled one day, for the rest of the month. I was done with my managers and done with the company. It seemed they only swept the problem under a rug and called it a day. So I put in my two weeks, and left.

The rest of April was not that bad. That guy I mentioned earlier? He started appearing in my life more often. He and I started going on more dates and I was beyond happy. My friends and I went to the beach one day and he tagged along after he got off work. I admit, I made the first move and held his hand. We walked down the beach and talked about many things, things that made each other unique. Getting to know him really made me happy. Having someone as a constant in my life made me happy. It made life bearable. We started getting closer, and I was finally okay with where I was in that point in life. One night I remember staying out really late, just spending time with him. That night we went to the pier and had our first kiss together. Later the next day, we were driving around and he got pulled over. The last thing I expected happened. I thought he got pulled over for speeding, but his plate lights were out. He was arrested that night because they found drugs in the car. I had no idea. I had to be picked up by my sister from the side of the road. I should've seen the red flags but I was too blinded by my happiness. I was so quick to forgive him, I just did not want to lose him. All that mattered was being there, with him. I know every girl says this but our story, it felt like it was something from the movies, but every movie has an ending and some of them aren't happy.

May was by far one of the best months I've had in a while. My birth month, finally. It had a lot of special memories for me. Looking back on them now, I get really emotional and I can't help but cry. It was the happiest I've been in a long time. We finally made our relationship official and he met my family. When I went to meet his family, they welcomed me with open arms, which made me feel loved. They barely knew who I was and accepted me in an instant. I started spending a few nights here and there at his place. We had really simple date nights, which consisted of watching Netflix and eating pizza. Some nights we would go out and ride around. Whatever the case may have been, I was always happiest whenever I was with him. Yes I had some doubts during the first part of the relationship, it happens to everyone. All I know is that I was finally happy.

June was a great month as well. I went with him and his family to Florida. It was the most amazing trip I've been on in a while. On the ride there, it was raining really hard, so I was very anxious and worried about making it there alive. When we made it to our destination, we unloaded and settled in for the night. I met his other family members and they were also very welcoming. The few days we were there hold a lot of memories, special ones. We toured St. Augustine, which is such a beautiful city. We took a train ride around the city and saw all of the historical places. We walked around Castillo de San Marcos, the fort there. It was so beautiful and I'm grateful I got to explore a new place. While we were in Florida we went to Jacksonville, to go to the Twenty One Pilots concert. It was one of the best experiences I've had in my life. The laughing, dancing, and singing all made me feel some sort of appreciation for my life. I was glad I was still living, I was happy to be alive. I was happy about who I was with, I was at peace. When we got back home, I had a huge wave of depression just consume me. I was happy and then it just went downhill from there. I went back to work, which even made it worse because I don't particularly like my job. I went back home, but I always seemed to end up with him. He was always there for me, always supportive of anything I wanted to do. He was my best friend. Since I spent all of my free time with him, I ended up pushing the most important people in my life away. I felt terrible and I know I've made up with mostly everyone but I'm sorry.

July, the worst month ever. It hurts to even write about this. On July 3rd, a day before our two months, he broke up with me. I would lie and say it has gotten better and I'm okay. It has since gotten a tiny bit better but the emotions and feeling are a whole lot worse. He didn’t want me waiting on him while he figured out his life and what he wants to do. He wanted me to take opportunities that come my way and not hold me back. That morning, an hour after I had just woken up, I had to pack up all of my stuff from his place and there was a lot there. A lot of memories that were made, just thrown away in the blink of an eye. I spent the whole ride back to my house just crying, thinking that this was my fault, trying to blame everything on myself. I would’ve waited for him and supported him in anything he would want to do. He is my first love, and always will have a special place in my heart.

We had a bond that most people haven’t ever had before. I grew with him and even though it was a short relationship, he was my best friend. I went to him for everything and he was always willing to listen and knock some sense into me. My heart is in agonizing pain. I never knew I could hurt this much. I haven't deleted any photos or videos, it hurts too much to look at them. I cry myself to sleep most nights because I'm broken. I miss him so much, and I do still love him. Maybe when the time is right we will try again. It’s just for now, we aren’t together. I’m going to have to learn to live with that as well.

The rest of the month was not the best, either. He picked me up a week after everything happened so we could talk and so I could get my the rest of my stuff back. We talked about the important things that had happened in our lives that week. Before I even left my house that day, I promised myself I wouldn't cry. I failed miserably at that. Every memory that we made together is now just the past. I decided spontaneously to skip town. I used the last bit of money and bought a plane ticket and left for two weeks. I completely broke while I was there. I had so many panic attacks and my parents did nothing. I thought going to my family would make me feel better. It didn't. My parents chastised me for my feelings. They told me to "get over it." With them saying this to me, it kind of ruined our relationship and made me feel unwelcome in my own family. I returned home with the mindset that I wasn't good enough. I lost my job, I had little to barely any money, and my car was not working. My depression was very severe and it got to the point where I was ready to die. I was ready to give up. I had to give my sleeping pills to my sister because I was afraid of myself, terrified. I kept going over recent events in my head. I couldn't grasp the concept of wanting to live. It put me in a very bad spot for a hot minute. Just recently, I started to see a therapist and it has helped tremendously. I found my will to live, I have to push through these dark clouds. I will conquer this.

Every day is a struggle but this rollercoaster is not over yet. It is just getting started.

Miranda Hagins
Miranda Hagins
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Miranda Hagins

Just a young adult trying to find her way in this world

See all posts by Miranda Hagins