Therapy

Well how do we start this thing?

Well Mr Mathew we start by talking?

About what? And please call me Brian.

Well ok Brian whatever it is you have in mind. There’s no judge so you may say whatever you feel.

I can do that but you’d subscribe me to a nut house.

I do have that power but I can see by your domineer you’re not threat to yourself or the people around you. With that being said how about we start from the beginning. Give me some of your earliest memories.

Hmmm. Well as far as I remember I’m in the living room. Maybe because that’s where the 64 is and the tv. I think me and my cousins are playing hide and go seek.

What is a 64?

Oh the Nintendo it’s a video game from way back.

Why do you think the living room is a memory you can see clearly.

It was my life at the time. I would do pretty much anything to play it. Even things I regretted immediately after doing.

What were some of these things?

Well I threw a boot at my uncle while he was a sleep and gave myself a bald spot with a razor.

Why were these things prerequisites of you being able to play the game?

Well my cousin had it on smash so if I didn’t do what he said he wouldn’t let me play.

Were you afraid of your cousin?

I can’t say. I feel as though it was just something I had to do call me gullible I guess,

Did you enjoy the game while you played it?

Loads it was best when I played with my other cousin, his little sister, we were really close back then.

Are you no longer close with her.

Nah not really. I mean yea but I guess we not kids anymore so it’s not the same.

What things changed?

Life I guess. I feel like I’m the only one who changed, basically in my whole family and I’m not sure if that was good thing.

Why would you think it would be a bad thing? We all have to grow and that’s what change at its core really is

I just always felt like the odd man out. Not that my family treated me as that as much as I just felt like I didn’t fit in. At the time I didn’t really care much for fitting in as much I just wanted to get along with them.

Do you feel a need to be accepted as an adult?

Not accepted more understood. Like my mind tells me that I should be more outgoing but for the life of me I can’t tie down a reason to do so.

Do you believe you might be anti-social.

No but I guess it depends on who’s asking. I can be social when I have to be but as far as doing it on my own time I’m not to big on it. I have a small circle of friend’s guys I went to high school with. I got along with coworkers but extracurricular activities were never one of my indulges..

How are your relationships with you high school friends?

The same as high school I guess. There the only guess I hang out with but I wouldn’t say any of us were particularly close. We know each other and we respect our differences but we choose to highlight our similarities.

How is your romantic life?

Is a struggle to simple of a phrase.. It’s a torn place of using them for sex or leaving them alone all together. I don’t want to have the mindset of using women as objects but I can’t find much use for them.

Would you ever see yourself married?

I wouldn’t envision it but if a woman I can see myself risking eternity with I would consider.

So are you currently in an active relationship?

Ugh does being pussy whipped count? I’m with a lovely women but I know she’s not the one for me. I tried breaking up with her a while back but she wasn’t having it. I couldn’t understand why she tells me that I use and abuse her, don’t consider her feelings, and that I don’t care about her. Yet when I say I might not be the man for her she tells me I’m lying. If one thing may take me a lifetime it would be understanding women.

How is your relationship with your mother?

my mother? Ha I guess it would be the defamation of abandonment issues.

How did your mother abandon you.

By abandoning herself. For the majority of my childhood and my entire adult life to this point, I only know her as a drug addict. Not that I don’t have my own addictions that I may only be known for but I have no children. I have someone looking up at me believing I’m the closest thing to god that could exist.

When did you discover you mothers additctions?

I want to say since birth but reasonably around the age of 9. I can’t remember if I was coming in the house or leaving out when I saw her. Face down ass up with her noes leaking reddish liquid. I feel like I was certain she was dead yet I went about my business as if nothing was strange. I never questioned it I basically just scheduled it.

What do you mean by that?

I saw a simple pattern. Whenever she would get her social security check I would brace myself for having to see her that state.

Did it hurt you to see your mother in that state?

Honestly I’m not even sure. It didn’t really come to mind to have any feeling about it until I was a young man. I cried about but I can’t be sure what it was I was crying about. Would be selfish if I say I was only crying that I would want to be there for someone who was never there for me when I needed them.

WE all express hurt differently, this women carried you for 9 months your bond knows nothing of reason. Have you ever express these feelings to her.

I confronted her about her drug use when in my youth.

Well how did that turn out?

She denied it because I got the drug that she was on wrong.

Well how did that make you feel about her?

That there would be no reasoning with her and nothing I did for that women would be of any good. Wish I had listened to that feeling.

Let’s talk about some of your past relationships.

IF they centered on sex would that count?

For the topic let’s say yes. Do you remember your first?

Well she was around 5’3 carmeld skin a eye piercing with wavy hair. I invited her over one day when my grandmother was away and she mounted me. I can’t say if it were love lust or just infatuation. But I was willing to be with her however she had other plans. Yet I swear I saw a carbon copy of the women one day. It was like I projected her myself. IF it wasn’t her she had a twin she never told me about.

In that moment how did you feel when you saw this women?

I can say, awe amazement with a sprinkle of pain.

What caused the pain?

Well she did me dirty. I was willing to do everything for her but she didn’t want it.

Do you think that may have affected you for the long term

I mean talking to my girl and her mother you would swear it did, I get where they’re coming from its just that I don’t see the big impact. The damage was done yea but it never stopped me slow me down sure but the wheels never stop turning.

Tell me about the relationship you’re in now.

Well first off I want to be out of it. I love the girl but I can’t say that I am in love with her. I know how that might sound but honestly I don’t get that drive from her. I guess I painted a picture of her in my mind that she didn’t live up to now I want to bail. But her aside I feel like I’m not the best I can be with her. I don’t know I’m really reserved but she is a little erratic by my standards and she might say the same about me. /shell never say it but I feel she believes her upbringing was better suited than mine. I’ve told her that I would have preferred her growing up but that’s merely a grass is greener Ideal. She grew up in an environment where you could trust I didn’t that’s what I appreciated. But I trusted and I feel as though it wasn’t worth it

Do you believe that her upbringing was better than yours?

Maybe better for her but I don’t see any real difference. Hers was different flavor same coffee if you know what I mean.

Why do you want to leave now?

Maybe because I wasn’t sure I wanted it to begin with.

Why is that

She was a good friend. I never really had too long of a good relationship with a female friend and being intimate with her kind of through it out of whack

DO you think you can no longer be friends with her?

Well she said it out her mouth so Im guessing so. I would have no problem with her moving on and I think that’s the thing she cant stand.

How is that

Well she says that things never changed with us after being a couple yet the things I would do beforehand completely change after being with her. Obviously you can do single things while a couple but even the natural things I did became a problem for her.

Things like what

My smoking and drinking the time I spent with friends and family and a host of other things

Well that’s all the time we have I have another client. I look forward to speaking with you next time.