Therapist: Exit Stage Right

Recently I have had to face the hard truth that I have depression and I am at a really rocky stage in my life. So I did what most people do, I got a therapist.

I liked her, she was nice enough. She told me like it is and never sugarcoated anything. She didn't make excuses for me and told me when I was being an idiot (in a much nicer way of course).

I had 4 sessions with her before anyone said anything about a co-pay, mostly because I was doing this over the phone. I'm sure if I showed up in the office every week they would be all "You have to pay!" as soon as I got in the door.

But no, they wait until I'm 4 sessions in to tell me that each time I talk to her it is a $40 co-pay. Which considering, is not so bad, I know people who pay a lot more, but at least they go into the office.

I'm paying to have someone I don't know talk to me on the phone for 45 minutes! That's insane to me.

And sure, I go some good advice from her, but nothing I didn't know myself:

"Your mother is a mess. You have to figure out if you want a relationship with her and what that would entail."

Yep, thanks lady, already knew that.

"After you have a baby you tend to have a narrow focus and forget that your partner is more than just the father of your child."

Yeah, I knew that one too. It doesn't help me view him any differently and it doesn't help me fix our almost nonexistent sex life because of my non-existent libido. Can you help me out with that?

"You need to talk with him about what you want and need."

**Blink Blink**

If I was able to do that we wouldn't be in this situation and I wouldn't be sitting on my couch with the door closed talking to someone that I, again, don't know, about problems I have issues talking to my partner of 4 years about.

I have problems talking to people. I have problems talking to him. Because I care too much about what he is going to say, or how he is going to veiw me, or because I'm afraid that it sounds dumb or because I'm being to emotional.

He is rarely emotional. Except anger, that one he has down.

But he is too smart for his own good and he knit picks words and sentences. I am decent with words when they are being typed or written, but out of my mouth? That is a horse of a different color.

I ALWAYS say the wrong thing the wrong way to him and then he points it out, which makes me backtrack.

Because he takes everything literally and demands complete and total honesty, which sounds easy but is not. Going based on his rules, I am the biggest liar on the face of the planet because I like to say things in a way that makes them better or makes someone feel better about the situation.

He frustrates me and I don’t think any therapist could help me with that either. We would have to go to couples counseling but that isn’t something he is interested in because of his background. And because he is too smart for his own good.

He can talk to me and figure things out when I have issues opening up, even to him, who I love more than anyone except our son.

I would love to, but I don’t know how and I fear I’m losing him. I feel like I’m losing chances with him and he is nearly out the door.

So I guess writing will be my therapist for a little while: The Life and Times of a Confused 22 year old stuck in a 30 year old’s body. Writing isn’t a bad outlet, I just wish the Therapist thing had worked out. But of course, everything in this world is too damn expensive and I have diapers to buy.

Well, until next time I suppose.