The Wonderful World of Social Anxiety

Hello and welcome to the Wonderful World of Social Anxiety!

I hate introductions as much as I do small talk so let’s just get this over with. My name is Nelly, Nervous Nelly.

I’ll be your presenter today and PLEASE no interruptions. I have worked tirelessly over the past few weeks to perfect this presentation for you today and any disturbance whatsoever will set me into a panic and cause me to forget everything I have rehearsed.

I highly suggest taking notes so that you have no reason to speak directly to me after this seminar. Furthermore, I will be answering no questions at the end as I am planning on sprinting towards the closest exit and hyperventilating in the street afterwards.

Sit quietly, avoid making eye contact with me, and allow me to open your mind to the terrifying reality of social anxiety.

This seminar will be presented in four parts: Romance, Friendship, Accomplishments, and Retrospection. Allow us to begin with the most horrifying of the four: Romance.

ROMANCE:

So…that girl. You know the one I mean. Gorgeous, funny, popular. She ticks more boxes than a…someone…who ticks a lot of boxes. I’m sure you want to talk to her right? Show her how cool and funny you are? Well boy oh boy did you come to the wrong place.

Typically, in the wonderful world of social anxiety, you should begin by having a few drinks. No less than four should do the trick. Don’t forget to cry in the bathroom at some point as well, it is a MUCH better alternative than breaking down in tears in front of her.

Of course you can’t just walk up to her in person. She is often surrounded by the millions of other people who have an interest in her and for the sake of self-deprecating argument, let’s imagine she wants to date each and every one of them. You’re already leagues behind everyone else, great work!

Next, and this is the easiest step, send her about ten to fifteen texts at 2am spilling out your guts and intentions. Surely without establishing a solid platonic relationship between the two of you and bombarding her with unnecessary emotional pressure she will fall head over heels for you! If that doesn’t do the trick, rinse and repeat until all semblance of your dignity is lost in her DMs.

Who needs the thrill of the chase when everyone knows direct, desperate action is the kama sutra of emotional intimacy. And definitely do NOT attempt to do anything of the sort in person because doing so over text is much more couth.

(Bonus tip: women LOVE being serenaded by out-of-date vocabulary. Any opportunity to slip in a couth, swimmingly, pithy, or erudite into your conversation ought to be taken to prove to her that you’re no pusillanimous troglodyte!)

So…by this point you MUST have gotten her attention. What now? What is it exactly you want? Do you want to make out with this girl? Have sex? Perhaps you want to go on adorable date nights at the ice skating rink and cuddle up by a fire after? At the very least you definitely want to talk with and get to know her.

But let’s get real…what you really want is for her to want to get to know you. But she doesn’t. There is nothing about you worth sharing and she already knows it. Hopefully she thinks you’re cute enough for a quick fling before tossing you back out into the world alone. But any attention will do at this point.

FRIENDSHIP:

Congratulations! You’re a modern day Don Juan. You can charm the pants off any dogs, regardless of how they wear their pants. I’m pretty sure that joke is referencing an outdated meme but I’m unsure of why you are attempting to date dogs so let’s move on shall we?

So…now you want some friends? Well that’s easy! All you have to do is sit alone in a corner not doing or saying anything. That’s it. That’s all it takes. Eventually somebody will be drawn to you, mystified by the allure of your isolation. Besides, you must have something fascinating brewing inside that quiet, stoic mind. It definitely isn’t running a mile a minute attempting to pierce into the subconscious of everyone around you to figure out just exactly what they want you to do in order for them to like you.

That would be ridiculous.

Anyway, making friends. I mean sure, you could put in the leg work yourself and stomp proudly across the room, introduce yourself to someone new, and…then what? Do your best to hold a painfully mediocre conversation? Interview them in an uncomfortably one-sided conversation in an attempt to get to know them? Just stand there and hope against hope that the perfect shared interest topic descends from the heavens to bless your tongue-tied, tightly shut communication orifice?

Maybe it’s best for all that you find yourself a like-minded shy fellow, provide each other with adequate attention and conversation to fill your introverted friendship quota, and hopefully together you will be able to sulk and sigh at your own interpersonal misgivings.

Should you find yourself a new friend, make sure to never bother them with any sort of texts or instant messages. Everyone is always very busy all of the time. Far too busy to entertain you with a full-fledged conversation or even a passing joke. They most likely already fill their free time talking with friends they’ve had and known for years. Just don’t try and advance the relationship at all, wait for them to open up to you and invite you to hang out. The more you actively try to befriend someone, the lonelier and more desperate you appear. That’s just Anxscience.

Remember: if they don’t like you, why should you? Your self-image MUST be determined by how liked you are because if you’re not liked then why even wake up in the morning?

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

If you still find yourself struggling in your endeavors to woo that unlucky lady or annoy others into tolerating you as an “acquaintance” then there can only be one solution: be more impressive! Everyone was put onto this planet with the innate ability to create, so why aren’t you, ya know, creating?

Oh, well obviously it's because you have anxiety and need advice from a professional Anxietier, hence why you are reading this at all. Well…let’s get teaching!

The first thing you have to do is spend an unhealthy amount of time obsessing over the accomplishments of others and, instead of putting in effort to be unique and create a work of your own making, do absolutely everything in your power to recreate the other artist’s work. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, right? Well as long as you act and talk like everyone you want to be then you’ll successfully be able to erase any pesky individuality that may be hindering your creative growth.

Besides, if you did create something of your own design you know it wouldn’t turn out nearly as successful as everyone else’s projects. It’s hard enough getting people to listen to you in daily conversation. With the knowledge that it can take years, maybe even decades, to hone your craft, and still then there is no guarantee of “success” or “recognition”, it can be a rather heartbreaking and lonely journey to take. Do you really have that kind of time?

Let’s say you actually decide to follow through and commit to accomplishing…something. Congratulations! While you were wasting all that time on the most miniscule of achievements, everyone else was seemingly able to accomplish THRICE that much. After putting your heart, soul, and snotty tears into your own project you suddenly realize that if you want to be recognized you’re going to have to do it all over again. Unfortunately, you are completely drained of energy and inspiration at this point. You cannot possibly keep up with the constant demands of acceptance. No, no that is far too much work. You gave it a good go, though.

Clearly the easiest path here is to not make anything. If everyone has something they are working on you can only be MORE interesting by having nothing of your own. Go against the mold. Protect yourself from humiliation and then and ONLY then will you be admired and respected. Taking risks is…scary to say the least. Why bother piling on more anxiety onto this buffet of introversion when you could just as easily go quietly into that goodnight.

RETROSPECTION:

Last but DEFINITELY not least is the most important skill for anyone suffering from social anxiety: retrospection. It is imperative that you scrutinize every single word that you have ever spoken to another human being. Play every terrifying, miniscule interaction on repeat in your head for days on end. Only then will you have all the answers you could possibly need.

Hidden in the lexicon of everyday conversation lie the secrets to your downfall. Ever accidentally call someone you admire an idiot out of jest? That’s why they hate you. Ever offer to buy someone a drink only to then discover they are actually under 21? Oh yeah, they for sure think you’re a pervert. The more attention spent on the mistakes of the past, the higher the guarantee that you will be able to highlight each and every individual ingredient that adds up to create the piece of shit pie that you turned out to be.

It is a near-guarantee that everyone else is hyper focused on everything you say or do as well. They will remember every bad joke, rude comment, awkward encounter, and generally off-putting thing you have ever done in their presence. If they must remember how much of a socially challenged nitwit you are whenever they catch sight of you then it’s only fair that you suffer as well!

The further you delve into the past, the more time will be spent stuck in a loop of you reliving cringe worthy memories. Your desperation will build as you focus on a horribly embarrassing experience and try with all your might to somehow edit this memory, rewrite your lines, say “action” and reshoot the scene in your head. But you can’t. The fabric of reality doesn’t bend to your whim. Your fuck-ups are permanent installations in MOMA (the Museum of Modern Asshattery) and all the exhibits build to paint one horrifically anxious image. But art is studied for a reason. And like art, your shame will forever exist as a beautiful and painful reflection of who you truly are for better or worse.

CONCLUSION:

And there we have it, ladies and gentlemen. An instructional thinkpiece created in an attempt to quell your anxiety and my own. Though humorous at times, it is not without accurate insight into a mind that moves a mile a minute fueled by bitten fingernails and a delicious cocktail of nerve-induced tears and sweat. As we have finally reached the conclusion I will do what any anxiety-riddled presenter ought to do: hurriedly wrap everything up, make my way as quick as possible to the nearest exit (as I forewarned), and meticulously examine every second of this experience to highlight all of my fuck-ups just before I cry myself to sleep. It’s probably best you get some rest now too and hopefully all those worries will slip away…

Until tomorrow that is.

Once again, I’ve been Nervous Nelly and this has been the Wonderful World of Social Anxiety!

Stay couth!