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The Void

By Amy Louise Fox

By Amy Louise FoxPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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There's no escape from the emptiness that I feel.

Nothing can conceal

This Void, ultimately.

Nothing can fill this gaping hole,

Fully.

Death seems sweeter than this.

The Void - where at best you have an indifference for living, at worst a desire for death.

In my opinion the void is what lurks behind all addictive behaviours and distracting engagements. My guess is that some people have never been there, and I don’t blame them. The pain in realising the ultimate truth - that we are here alone, is truly devastating. But why ? Why do we find it so hard to be alone with only ourselves ?

I think this is why social media has gained such immense success and popularity - it’s the crutch that makes the most sense for filling this desolate hole. After all, engaging with someone, be it friend, stranger or foe, is better company, in a seemingly empty space, than say, a cigarette.

The void feels a little like a depression. You can’t see a way out and it feels like it’ll never end. But the difference is that depression usually does end. I guess that the void is here to stay until the moment we die and our souls reunite again with Source, a time when we are no longer separate.

So what does it look like, or should I say feel like, when all (or most) addictive behaviours are stripped away ? All social media platforms deactivated, our conscious choosing to live a sober and clean life, taking a rest from work, temporary celibacy, a sabbatical from everything except the Self. Well, it looks like negative thoughts about yourself in your head getting louder, the feelings of not being good enough, not even being enough, become crystal clear. Punishment by beating yourself up relentlessly, day after day. The degrading voices ARE SO LOUD. It feels like anxiety and a bad mood, social awkwardness and a desire to withdraw. Cravings for means of distraction are rife. Loneliness, emptiness and a deep sadness take centre stage. So really the ‘void’ is not a void after all. It is a trove of painful hidden gems.

And, as they say, when you get to hell, don’t stop, you must keep going. The void is a place where we have the opportunity to meet our deepest wounds and traumas. It is where we will discover what we long ago buried. Although it feels overwhelming, my guess is that visiting this dark place is a crucial element to our own healing.

I guess that, in theory, if we take this time for ourselves and journey courageously into the void, committing to confronting head on the ‘less acceptable’ aspects of ourselves, learning to love by accepting them, thus finding unconditional love for the Self, then suddenly the void doesn’t seem so unpleasant or scary anymore. For, ultimately, it is only ourSelves whom we are running from. When we are able to look deeply enough into a mirror and honestly love everything we see reflected back to us then I suppose the desperate need for approval from others becomes obsolete. I say ‘in theory’ because I haven’t reached this stage yet, I’m not even sure that I will during this lifetime. So I can only guess what lies beyond the initial pain of emotional and psychological suffering upon dipping my toe into the cold waters of my own void.

So the void is what we have been trying to aVoid all these years, all these generations … And I guess that everyone’s void will look differently because everyone’s pasts and pain is different. I think that engaging in the addictive behaviours, to an unhealthy level, is sending ourselves the message that we are not good enough to be with. That we are not lovable, that we are scary and ugly and not worth spending time with. I don't want to send myself this sad message anymore so I soldier on. I have reached hell, so I must keep going. Wish me luck...

depression
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