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The unknown condition

It never had a name

By Dale SandsPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
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I just read the piece What It's Like to be Mentally Ill. Looking at the last 5 years, I know what that is like.

When I look back I am aware now that the anxiety and depression have been with me for a least 20 years. I kept telling people this wasn't me that long ago.

It must have set in around 2004 when I moved back to Canada from the States. 2004 was one of those years I don't like to talk about much. If anything could go wrong it did. By mid-August there was no place left to go except to come home.

The feeling that I couldn't think clearly anymore would never leave. I put on my happy face as though nothing was wrong but there was this little voice saying something wasn't right.

I made some good decisions to re-educate myself and other small things like that but dealing with money was a problem. When your dues are up for membership at a place and you can't pay it all at once, normally one picks up the phone and asks if they can be paid in pieces which more than likely is an acceptable thing. Think I could ask that question. I did have a meeting about it but that option never occurred to me so nothing got done.

Time went along and I moved here to Saskatoon. I found a great faith community and again the question of dues came up. As before nothing got done. I couldn't seem to make that phone call.

Once I landed a well paying job I know for sure the anxiety kicked in full time and I just could not make that phone call or ask one of the other drivers how they paid their taxes being listed as self employed. Five years went by and the company shut down. The Federal government made its wishes known by locking up my bank account so I had to scramble to deal with that. It is somewhat resolved. I won't be seeing a refund for a few years.

Another crappy financial decision back then was to get involved with payday loans. Looking back from here, who the hell plays the game of borrowing from two at the same time. Some of this was brought on by damage charges being taken out of my pay without being notified and being very short at the end of the month. If I had been thinking clearly that would have never happened. I am sitting here shaking my head recalling it. What the hell was I thinking?

After the courier company shut down it was a rough year until 2017. I am a strong person but by that point I am not sure how much further it would have been before I seriously thought about self harm.

Fortunately I went to a wellness fair and met the organization that has helped me out a lot over the last 4 years.

Through them I got involved in a band called the Joy of Jammin' and during my intake with the leader she told me I had a form of depression which was the hardest to diagnose. Much of the literature says high functioning depressives are hard to spot. We go through life handling our ups and downs as bad days or maybe being a bit off kilter for a couple of weeks and then we are happy again. Once I heard that the pieces clicked in place. I learned that my fear of making those phone calls for financial help was anxiety. Those ups and downs finally had a name, Dysthymia.

I haven't had a full time job since 2016 but that is mainly due to a slow down in the economy that started before Covid. Now having a 6 in the front of your age doesn't help either.

I was told that my intuition was still working since I followed every lead to get me to Crocus and the Joy of Jammin'.

One of the ways I know I have recovered some of my former self is by how I handled the bills and paperwork I had stuffed away and refused check on and deal with it.

I had some old bills and other paperwork that should have been discarded a long time ago but I couldn't. It is a relatively simple task but when that anxiety is there the small pile looks like Mount Everest. Even making the phone call to the collection agency is agonizing. After being around Crocus and working and having some talks with the staff there I tackled that pile and made the arrangements with the collection agency.

Another organizational thing I have not done for years is keep track of my income. I had to do it for Social Services while I was getting money from them. I don't anymore but two years later and I still keep track. It is very satisfying to know I can look back for three years and be able to know I have every single pay stub in a small envelope for the month and then a big brown envelope for the year. I have a sheet as well with the totals for each month. Sure I know to how to use Excel and could do it that way but old school works as well.

Whether my writing is a result of the depression or as I age I have something to say I am not sure. During this time of healing I have written one story which I think I have made $50 from on Kindle. The latest one is 210 pages in 8 1/2 x 11 which translates to 339 in Kindle form.

With all this, I ask. Am I healed? The answer is no. I have to accept that my depression is chronic. There will be more episodes in the future but at least now I have ways to deal with it. Hopefully the lows won't be quite so low again.

depression
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About the Creator

Dale Sands

I have been writing on and off for about 16 years now.

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