The Truth of the Process of Healing from Narcissism

*****Warning this article may be triggering*****

What is it like trying to heal from a narcissistic personality and/ or relationship?

I see articles and videos on what a narcissistic person is and maybe how to recover from it, but I hardly see descriptions of the process of healing from this unfortunate common trait.

Many people don’t understand that narcissism tends to be a family trend whether that’s from one parent or both. Either one parent had major narcissistic tendencies and the significant other didn’t do or say anything to change or both parents had major narcissistic tendencies and didn’t notice nor accepted it at all that, that’s how they were. With that, the kids grew up in that environment thinking it was okay even if it didn’t feel right.

I grew up with a narcissistic mom who had a narcissistic father. My grandma felt like she had no voice all of her marriage until after he passed away. She told me my grandpa’s father was a narcissistic pastor.

My grandma is now speaking to people more and I’ve gotten to know her better than I ever have before.

I loved my grandpa. He did give a lot for others, but his relationship with my mother damaged her and scared her (maybe for life) emotionally and mentally. With that, her relationship with my siblings and I (especially me as the oldest child) was pretty damaging, as well.

I was born when my mom and dad were 21 years old. I was also an unplanned child. My mom didn’t know how she was affecting her husband and kids until my dad started pointing it out in their mid- twenties. A lot of damage was already done by then. At least to the kids. Without anyone knowing.

My dad is a hard headed, logical man who (like my mother) did not have an easy childhood but in a different way than my mom. He saw the negative habits in his family and decided to break those habits to turn his life around. I look up to him and have high respect for him and my mother for how far they’ve come.

My dad didn’t realize the damage done to me and my siblings’ self- esteem until I was in high school. This is where my mom and I were constantly going at it. We were always at each others’ throats. I am mentally more like my dad and enjoy logic, therefore, my mom and I did not see eye to eye since she mainly would react on emotion. And as her child she saw herself above me and wanted to keep herself above me even when I became an adult.

When you deal with a narcissistic relationship even as a child can be very damaging and can take a lot of work and honesty to recover from. For a long time, I had very low self- esteem. I thought I was dumb, I had social anxiety most of high school, I thought I was fat, I thought I was always wrong in situations even if I wasn’t, I constantly would give to others just to gain love and acceptance, I would always work super hard to gain others’ approval because that’s what I felt I had to do to be loved and accepted, I always felt like whatever I did wasn’t good enough, I always strived to look “perfect” even though I told myself I didn’t believe in perfection, I would always stay positive and strong for everyone else even if I felt depressed, I was never good at asking or even receiving help from anyone because I wanted to be “independent”, I have always been scared I would turn into the same person my mom and grandpa were to their family and kids, I have a very hard time expressing my emotions in the moment (until I feel like I’m going to explode like a volcano and cry my eyes out) in the moment and I have a hard time speaking my truth and standing up for myself to friends, coworkers and family, I have a tendency to be a perfectionist and want to be in control, there was also a good amount of my life where I wanted power over myself, my emotions and situations. These are hard honest truths that I’ve had to admit to myself throughout my life and it was not easy to do. Especially admitting wanting perfection, control and power because that’s what my grandpa and mom want.

The process has been long, scary and very painful. I honestly wouldn’t have been able to have done it on my own if I didn’t have my dad in my life. My dad taught me how to be self aware, reflective, deep and how to ask myself the hard questions. He was that person for my mother and it was not an easy process for her at all. She had it worse than I did since she didn’t know she had a problem until later in life. My dad would always stand up for me when I couldn’t and did his best to encourage me to stand up for myself. I do a lot better now especially standing up for myself to people other than my mom. My mom, I’m still scared of at times since we had a major fight a few months ago. She has gotten so much better over time but that was with the help of my dad holding her accountable and her really trying to work on herself.

Observing her healing process while going through my own helped me learn patience and resilience. My dad has talks with me about her past and what she could’ve possibly been thinking. It helped me understand and provided me a different perspective to look at when it comes to people and the decisions they make.

As a child growing up with a narcissistic parent, it is possible to pick up those traits whether you want to or not. That has always been a big fear of mine. I don’t want my future kids to go through what my mom and I did growing up. There has been a lot of inner and outer battles, a lot of tears, a lot of emotional outbursts, but a lot of forgiveness to myself and my mom. I am not where I want to be yet, but I feel that as I get older, things get better physically and emotionally. I feel like a new person every year.

Note that I am 22 years old now and I’ve been fighting this battle since I was at least 10 years old. Please be patient, resilient and 100% honest with yourself throughout this healing process. Note as well that’s I am talking all from personal experience and conversations with my father and grandmother who had been married to highly narcissistic people.