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The Trauma in My Mind

Feeling that PTSD

By Gina R (Gibana)Published 3 years ago 5 min read
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The Trauma in My Mind
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

What I went through it was never easy. I have had many traumatic experiences. I could tell you story after story about all the heartache that I suffer. I felt like I was trapped in a Mexican soap opera. I did not think that anyone else could understand what I am going through. You see the trauma I went through followed me through the years. I kept waiting for the drama in my life to stop, but it followed me and it was painful through my life.

It started when I was only a little girl. I was neglected and abused. My life felt like it was some crazy little maze. I was busy searching and trying to find my way out. No sun in sight and it was dark. All my days were doomed. Still I tried to put these things out of my mind. I did not want to remember anything. Trauma has a way of creeping back in. I tried to forget, but it kept coming back like a bad virus. It attacked my mind, my body, and my soul. There was no antibiotic that could cure the pain in my heart.

I have blocked things out of my mind. When I think it will get better, something else happens. One situation to another. I was attacked and it shows when I cry. Feeling like nothing will ever get better and I do not know why. I try to move on and forget everything that has happened, but no matter what it lingers in my mind. I thought this trauma only happened to soldiers, but the life I have lived feels exactly like a war. I was molested, I was raped, I was beaten, and much more.

The trauma passed on to my children. I could not protect them and I feel terrible each day. Did someone curse my life? Why did this happen to me. Why did this happen to my family. I cannot understand exactly why, but I do know that this trauma has put so much pain in my life. I wish I could take a pain killer to take away this hurt. It feels like my life is mud that the storm took from the dirt. It is like fire burning inside my soul. I am feeling that burn and the hurt inside my body. Everyday I am trying to fight this feeling, but no matter what it comes back.

My mind races to forget and my body holds in all the pain. Now I have Chronic Fatigue and that alone, Doctors cannot explain. I want it to stop and I want it to go away. Why does this happen, and Where did it begin? All I know is that I want it to end. I tried to get help and nothing got better. I wrote down my feelings into a letter. Than I tried to forget all the pain. My body feels like bricks hit it, or that I got run over by a train. It hurts so much to be me. Why can't anyone understand, Why can't they see. This trauma has corrupted my brain. Some days I really feel insane. No matter what I get back up after the fall. When this trauma happens I have nobody to call. I feel so alone and it only makes things worse. I keep asking the removal of this curse. Take away, I keep asking to heal. Having any type of trauma is a big ordeal.

By Cristian Newman on Unsplash

When this trauma happens over and over again. There is no more beginning and no more end. It just happens one thing after another. It happens to my kids and I suffer hard as a mother. I just want the trauma to end. It is not nice, and it is not my friend. It is the enemy within. It is the enemy that streams right down to my soul. It attacks my life and than it stops me in my tracks. Just when I think it is safe, the trauma comes back. Dear Trauma, please stay away. Let me live happily in the rest of my days. I will try to be happy, and I will cover up what is really inside. The only thing I can do is try to forget and not hide.

I hope one day that I will be happy. I will pray that it will pass. All I want is brighter days and for my happiness to last. I will smile through the pain and pretend to be okay. I cannot let this trauma win. May the rest in peace when I put it down to lay. Like a funeral I say goodbye and let my soul grieve. I hope this trauma goes away, and for good it will leave. I am a fighter, I am a survivor and I refuse to give in. I will punch and punch until I get to the end. I have to believe that life will get good. Take me out of punishment. Get me out of the corner like I know I should. To this trauma in my mind, I will say goodbye. It leaves my body with the tears I cry. Go away Trauma, you are not welcome anymore. Take yourself out, and go straight to the exit door. My body will heal and the trauma will be gone. I hope this time happiness will be long.

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About the Creator

Gina R (Gibana)

I have been Awakened, delivered from mental illness and reborn as "the" Divine Feminine! PLEASE SHOW SUPPORT by sending me a tip: https://cash.app/$dolceisgibana

I hope Universe and God will Bless You right back, Thank You!!!

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