The Toxic Narcissist

I had heard the word narcissist, but I guess I just had never really taken it into much consideration. I mean, I guess everyone can occasionally have narcissistic tendencies. But that's different than Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

My Experience with a Narcissist

How I learned the meaning and difference was that I discovered I was living with one and had been for nearly five years. I'm no psychiatrist or anything nor do I claim to be anything other than a person who experienced life with someone with NPD.

If you don't know what a narcissist is, you will be much more familiar with the term by the end of this article. And if you believe you may be in a relationship with someone who's a narcissist, I would suggest to you that you look more into it because you're probably going to want to make some changes. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is not an easy task. I'm just sayin'...

For the first year, my relationship seemed perfect. We spent every waking moment together, laughed and laughed, and had so much sex that it was probably more than I had in my life up until them.

I had some pretty big internal walls built up from a past relationship but I slowly let my guard down. I fell completely what I thought was in love. Mind you, I was in my 40s, with two marriages behind me and four kids and I was definitely no stranger to relationships. But this time the feeling was different.

We seemed to get along perfectly and talking with him was easy. We had so many similar experiences and so much in common. We enjoyed the same activities and he would go along with my spontaneity. He had all the right responses and he asked all the right questions. He had this magnetism about him that drew me in like a cat to catnip. There was just something about him that with just one look from him my insides would melt.

It took about a year and a half before we had our first argument. Once we opened that door, arguments began to increase. After that first argument though, I began noticing or admitting to myself there were some discrepancies between his words and his actions. Or had I just been too blind to notice? Maybe I hadn't wanted to see those things... Or that he was skilled at pretending to be something other than his true self.

Among other things, I noticed is that he could not, would not apologize for anything. I found myself apologizing to end arguments when I'm not the one who should have been giving an apology. But I was trying to make it work...

Also, at first it seemed like he was a very empathetic person but as time went by, I noticed there was a complete lack of empathy.

My intuition was telling me something but I couldn't place my finger on what it was. Something just wasn't right. There were other things too such as that led me to start doing research.

In my research I came across Narcissistic Personality Diairder (NPD). When I read through that, my heart sunk as it pretty much hit the nail on the head. He had almost every, single listed criteria of someone with NPD.

From Google search:

Narcissistic personality disorder is:

"A disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance.

Narcissistic personality disorder is found more commonly in men. The cause is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors."

According to Mayoclinic.org:

"Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and the severity of symptoms vary. People with the disorder can:

• Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
• Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration.
• Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it.
• Exaggerate achievements and talents
• Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.
• Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
• Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior.
• Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations.
• Take advantage of others to get what they want.
• Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.
• Be envious of others and believe others envy them.
• Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious.
• Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office."

"At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:

• Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment.
• Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted.
• React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior.
• Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior.
• Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change.
• Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection.
• Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation."

According to healthline.com:

"The DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for NPD include the following traits:

• having an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement.
• needing constant admiration and praise.
• expecting special treatment due to perceived superiority.
• exaggerating achievements and talents.
• reacting negatively to criticism.
• being preoccupied with fantasies about power, success, and beauty.
• taking advantage of others.
• having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of other people.
• behaving in an arrogant manner."

Well, I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt. I kept thinking it was me, or my imagination or maybe he was just going through difficult time emotionally. I kept thinking he would come around. But it seemed to get worse.

A common trait of a narcissist which I need to mention is something called gaslighting.

According to psychology today.com,

Gaslighting:

"Generally, modern-day gaslighting takes place in the context of a relationship in which one partner is manipulative, self-centered, low on empathy, and has a vested interest in always being right. This is an apt description of many people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder."

During arguments, he would always turn it around on me and tell me I was crazy. Like I mentioned above, he had zero empathy and never, ever apologized or accepted responsibility for his actions. I was always left feeling confused and thinking I did something wrong.

He started coming home from work late and would spend all of his time out in the garage. He wouldn't come to bed until like 2 AM. He suddenly had to start working on weekends. Oh, and one thing I didn't mention was that he pretty much refused to help me with bills stating that it was my house and therefore my bills. Once he started treating my kids like they were lesser than him, it was time for him to go. I didn't know how I was going to get him out of my house because when I would say something, he would laugh at me and tell me good luck in getting him out. He threatened to break my stuff, damage my house, etc. I would have to get a restraining order.

However, before I could get one, things seemed like they were getting better. That was until I caught him in a parking lot embracing a woman who I had never seen before. It was obvious they were more than just friends. I drove up to them and said hi. They looked at me like I was doing something wrong. I proceeded to ask the woman if she knew had a girlfriend he lived with... It felt even worse because we had just had sex that morning and in my anger I announced that fact and he looked at me and said, "No we didn't, you crazy bitch!" I was so hurt and angry that I took some spray cleaner I had in my car and started spraying it as fast as I could at them. Not very mature, I know. He was still living at my house at the time so when I got home, I angrily packed his belongings out of my room and put it all in the garage.

According to psychology today.com,

"Chronic infidelity is common with narcissists and gaslighters. Gaslighters and narcissists are chronic cheaters. It doesn't matter how "good" of a partner you are, or how much of your life you've devoted to them (because they demanded it). They will still cheat."

Who knows how long he had been seeing her or how many times he had done that in the past. But I was done for good.

And that was just about year ago.

Of course there were a lot more details to this, but I was trying to make it brief.

Thank you for reading my story.