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The Thoughts and Feelings of Someone With a Mental Health Issue

Insight into what someone feels when their mental health isn't so good.

By Ronnie WalkerPublished 7 years ago 3 min read
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I know that I suffer from a mental health issue—I know, deep down, that I am depressed. Most people think that depression is only "feeling sad." Wrong. There is so much more to depression than that. What bugs me is when you confide in someone about being depressed, the other person says "Oh, I've been sad too." Basically, I'm hoping that I'm gonna try and minimize the preconception of depression as only sadness.

Recently, I've felt myself slowly going down that spiral of depression again (due to personal circumstances), and honestly, it's not nice at all. The one way for me to relieve it is to write down my personal thoughts and feelings on how I feel when I'm at a low. I do apologize for writing all this down but I feel that some of the things I write down may also seem similar to someone else who suffers from depression.

I'm not the better person I was. I feel myself slowly spiraling downhill. I feel as if I'm reverting to the old me. My mind is pulling me down like a ton of bricks weighing me down into an abyss. It feels like I'm drowning when I breath. My mind consuming me.

I have no control over what I can and can't do. Some days I feel chained. Forced into one place. I have no motivation to do anything. I try to force the motivation but it doesn't work at all. Others see this as laziness when it isn't.

My anger turns to tears, my voice is silent. I wanna scream out what is wrong but the words choke me, I can't say anything. It tears me up inside.

Usually, I feel nothing. Like I'm numb. Some days I'm blessed with this numbness, other times I wish I could feel something—hell anything. Some think that depression is mainly sadness, I believe you mainly feel numbness. You feel nothing at all.

When I'm in a crowded room I feel caged, isolated. Like I'm invisible, like I'm not there to the neurotypicals. No one sees's that's there's something wrong, despite my cry for help in my eyes.

I have no desire to go out anywhere unless I have to—even then that's a difficult task. That task feels like I have to break an imaginary brick wall just to step out in the garden. It's always difficult.

A simple daily task feels like I'm going through the 13 gates of hell. My motivation to do anything isn't there. I tend to forget to do simple daily tasks—if it's days or weeks, honestly I don't know, it usually seems to blur together.

I know this is bad. Everyone says you've to ignore it, forget about it or switch it off like its nothing. IT'S NOT NOTHING. NOT TO ME. I CAN'T JUST IGNORE IT OR SWITCH IT OFF. This consumes me, taking away the person I have become, feeling like an empty shell. I'm scared of what will happen if I become an empty shell—I'm scared that no one will be able to get through to me or my pushing them away when I need them the most.

Some of you who might be reading this now may agree with this. You're not alone—even if you feel you are.

depression
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About the Creator

Ronnie Walker

Im not classed as a Neurotypical. I think outside the box. Sometimes what i write wont be sugar coated but it would be honest and raw. Sometimes I may cross a line on what I say but it makes you think, see things in a different perspective.

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