Psyche logo

The Tao of Zack

A parent's journal entry on detaching with love

By Emma DillonPublished 3 years ago 8 min read
Like
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.5/

Zack, just released from the hospital after his third suicide attempt, is heading off to Columbus, Ohio with a girl he met in AA two months ago. Two equally miserable, desperate heroin addicts fleeing the hostile desert, seeking a fresh start. He has no money, no job, no teeth in his upper jaw, no real life, no clear path forward. He will exchange one hopeless life for another.

All my instincts scream that the best thing I can do is to pray unceasingly for their recovery and happiness. But I can’t even do that, because I do not believe in a God that hears and acts on prayers. So I release our son to the tender mercies of the cold, unfeeling universe. No string chorus, no spiritual brass band, they leave not with a bang but a whimper.

Unable to commit Zach to the care of a nonexistent God, I journal in an effort to make sense of something completely senseless. The words of the song by America pop into my mind:

“I’ve been to the desert on a horse with no name,

It felt good to get out of the rain,

In the desert, you can remember your name,

And there ain’t no one for to give you no pain.”[1]

This doesn’t fit. Zack was born in the desert where he found pain, forgot his name, and lost himself, in a mist of drugs and mental illness. I set it aside.

A title springs onto the page: The Tao of Zack. What does that even mean? But the title resonates, so I search for its meaning.

The internet offers facile explanations for just about everything. To my surprise I discover that this ancient Chinese philosophy sings the same song as Al-Anon, the premier guide for those who love addicts. Detach, detach, detach.

The opening lines of the Tao Te Ching portend a journey into mystery:

"The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao"

"The name that can be named is not the eternal name."[2]

The Tao is something undefined and complete, undifferentiated. Mysterious. Tao or Dao is a Chinese word signifying the "way", "path", or "road". Lao Tzu taught that this path, trod by all who have ever lived and all who ever will live, is all there is, and beyond our control. Clearly we are not responsible for that which we do not control. (Then why do I feel responsible?)

Last night we decided to let Zack go. Not from our hearts, or our heads, but from our immediate sphere of influence, from our striving and conniving to somehow help him find strength and peace and happiness, our desire for him to find a “normal” life. Detach, detach, detach.

After all, what is normal? Zack is only miserable in comparison with something we consider happiness. He is simply another manifestation of the all that is, and perhaps one that must exist as it does to give shape and form to all the rest--to differentiate. One manifestation is no more, and no less, significant than another. It only seems that way to me, because I am his mother. We became attached at conception. Detach, detach, detach.

I continue reading and discover the concept of return, complex and difficult to grasp. The Tao will flow back, circumvent, and eventually undo any attempts to force it into a particular path. Apparently, we may hope, but not expect, that Zack will return to us in some form. All that the Tao implies is that he will return to quiescence. We cannot force him into a particular path, ours or any other that we might consider better for him. This thought brings not happiness, but peace. Detach, detach, detach.

This ancient wisdom echoes what they have been telling us, night after night, in parent group meetings, as we struggle with our desire to direct Zack onto the path of our choosing, the one that we believe is better for him than the misguided one he has chosen. In the twelve step programs they say we must “give it up to God.” I couldn’t do that, but now I have a different vocabulary to express the concept, one that I can accept. We give Zack up to the Tao. Whatever he is, whatever he becomes, is beyond our sphere of influence, except the gentlest influence of love with detachment. Zack’s life is his to live, love, or leave. We must come to terms with that and resist the notion that we have any control or any right to control it. Detach, detach, detach.

Tao is simultaneously dispassionate and nurturing. The authors of Wikipedia write: “Because all beings are manifestations of Tao, Tao - by definition - gives of itself wholly and completely to each. But by the same token, Tao is indifferent to the disposition of mere manifestations. Birth and death and life itself, from the perspective of Tao, are only movements and transformations of form.” Zack or no-Zack, it's all the same to the Tao. Detach, detach, detach.

As parents who have loved and nurtured Zack to the best of our ability, however flawed and inadequate that may have been, we must become simultaneously dispassionate and nurturing. We must love him wholly and completely for who he is but be indifferent to the “disposition of mere manifestations.” Easier said than done. Perhaps we can practice this discipline and help all of us come to terms with what is. Detach, detach, detach.

Tao is reminiscent of karma, but whereas karma implies responsibility for the consequences of one's actions, with Tao our responsibility is simply to understand and conform to what is. This concept is foreign to my upbringing, which was glorified responsibility and accountability, controlling the “bad” and promoting the “good.” I try the concept on for size. What if our only responsibilities lie in understanding and conforming to the nature of Tao? This negates the quest for purpose that has haunted me for most of my adult life, and contradicts ego, passion, drive, and so much that we Westerners consider important. If this is all there is, and if life is nothing but pain, as it appears to be much of the time for Zack, why continue? Why not simply return to the Tao? These questions are unbelievably painful. Yet there is in the Tao the promise of peace, and a form of acceptance and self-forgiveness. Detach, detach, detach.

“The Tao gives birth to all beings,

nourishes them, maintains them,

cares for them, comforts them, protects them,

takes them back to itself,

creating without possessing,

acting without expecting,

guiding without interfering.

That is why love of the Tao

is in the very nature of things.” [3]

Our role as parents is to allow Zack to follow his path, whatever it is, to do without taking credit, and to guide without interfering. Detach, detach, detach.

But in return for detachment and acceptance the Tao offers freedom from anxiety and fear.

“If you close your mind in judgements

and traffic with desires,

your heart will be troubled.

If you keep your mind from judging

and aren't led by the senses,

your heart will find peace.” [4]

Remarkably, the fatalistic philosophy of the Tao is ultimately hopeful.

“The path into the light seems dark,

the path forward seems to go back,

the direct path seems long,

true power seems weak,

true purity seems tarnished,

true steadfastness seems changeable,

true clarity seems obscure,

the greatest art seems unsophisticated,

the greatest love seems indifferent,

the greatest wisdom seems childish.

The Tao is nowhere to be found.

Yet it nourishes and completes all things.” [5]

* **

“The Tao is like a well:

used but never used up.

It is like the eternal void:

filled with infinite possibilities.” [6]

Zack's dark path may lead to light. If Zack does not survive this journey, I may find solace in the concept that he will be returning to an eternal void that is filled with infinite possibilities, including the possibility that he will find peace, an end to his pain, and a new beginning in some form that I cannot even imagine.

Detach, detach, detach, with love. When your child’s life is on the line it’s a lot easier said than done. But it is the Way.

[1]"A Horse with No Name Lyrics." Lyrics.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 21 Mar. 2021. <https://www.lyrics.com/lyric/30288040/America>.

[2] Lao Tzu. "Tao Te Ching, 1. chapter, translated by Livia Kohn (1993).” http://www.bopsecrets.org/gateway/passages/tao-te-ching.htm

[3] Lao Tzu, “Tao Te Ching, chapter 51, translated by Stephen Mitchell. http://thetaoteching.com/taoteching51.html

[4] Lao Tzu, “Tao Te Ching, chapter 52, translated by Stephen Mitchell. http://thetaoteching.com/taoteching52.html

[5] Lao Tzu, “Tao Te Ching, chapter 41, translated by Stephen Mitchell. http://thetaoteching.com/taoteching41.html

[6] Lao Tzu, “Tao Te Ching, chapter 4, translated by Stephen Mitchell. http://thetaoteching.com/taoteching4.html

addiction
Like

About the Creator

Emma Dillon

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.