The Space I Made

It is a devastating experience when the world you have built with someone begins to crumble piece by piece. In relationships, we often want to believe that love is enough to fix any tear or silence, any argument. But when a conflict turns into a battlefield of despair, the noise doesn't just stay in the air—it moves inside your head. It becomes a deafening weight, screaming and shouting, until the physical room around you feels like it's giving way.

Today, I found myself trapped in that exact cycle. I tried giving my partner space, even when it was agonizingly hard to stay astray. I wanted nothing more than to reach out, hold my love, and physically pull the hatred out of the room. But when you are met with closed ears, false accusations, and an angry silence that builds a barbwired fence between you, the pressure becomes too high to bear. You start to feel like you are drowning in a lake filled with eels, watching your own soul slowly decay piece by piece.

The turning point for me came when I realized that I didn't have to jump off the ledge just because the current was pulling at my feet. The house can be frozen, and the other person's energy can creep up like an impending doom, but you still hold the power to breathe. Tonight, I chose to use my mind, my heart and emotions and create a song. I chose to step back, ground myself, and stay safe in the space I made, S I let the thoughts go. My mind is finally at ease, my heart is beating strongly, and I am letting the keyboad face the fear.

This song is the raw, unfiltered map of that journey—from the absolute chaos of the fight to the quiet triumph of reclaiming my own ground. To finding a better way to cope with myself, and my urges to hurt myself even more. Writing is the way. Self expression vs. Self harm.

I Hate These Fights

It's lonely here, But right now I have no choice. Why should I be around When you can't stand my face Nor my voice.

I gave you your space, and it was hard to stay astray I just wanted to hold you, and take the hatred away All day I wait, yet you still shut me out Leaving me alone with the pain and the doubt My patience has grown weak, but I still choose to leave you be Wishing you could see the truth inside of me I love you, I really do, from the bottom of my heart I hate how you think I'm hiding things, tearing us apart I hate how you feel like I'm dirt, How you think I don't really care How many times must I show you? How can I give you love? When nothing I do ever seems to be enough It's not easy when you push me away And let me drown in the mud As my soul starts to slowly decay

[CHORUS]

I hate the fights, These battles of despair. I hate these fights, And the sour that they leave in the air. I hate these fights, And the love that they tear

[/CHORUS]

I've said my sorrys, but they have fallen on closed ears
Left out in the cold, dissolving into tears
I never meant to snap at you, I never meant to make things harder.
To fuck things up,
Now the distance between us just keeps growing farther
This is the bitter pill I must swallow,
Force it down my throat
For never can I be enough
I am sinking here,
In this one person boat.
My heart can't take it, The pressure is too high
Underneath the weight, Of an Unforgiving sky.
The silence in the other room, heavy and dense
The angry silence, building up a barbwired fence.

[CHORUS]

I hate the fights, These battles of despair. I hate these fights, And the sourness that they leave in the air. I hate these fights, And the love that they tear

[/CHORUS]

The house is frozen, not a single sound.
But that silence is, crashing all around.
The quiet is deafening, even though it’s still.
Fighting a current, against my greater will.
Even though I lie, in the other room.
Your energy creeps up, and surrounds me, devours me with an impending doom
I feel almost lifeless, tTaken down by this gravity,
Pulling me down, into this cavity.
Reaching out, from the dark, Trying to pull me in
To an abyss, where the shadows win.

[CHORUS]

I hate the fights, These battles of despair. I hate these fights, And the sourness that they leave in the air. I hate these fights, And the love that they tear.

[/CHORUS]

Here I am I am still breathing, I am still here. I will be always here , waiting for you,
For when you're ready.
For that time when this storm calms, and all these tensions steady.
My mind is becoming , more at ease now
And my heart, it beats strongly through this powwow
I can step back from the edge, without feeling like I must jump this ledge
All the negative energy, will soon fade
Staying safe in the space I have made.

Please forgive me, for all I have done
Please let me love you, let me once again be your chosen one.
I'm yours,
Your mine.
Never forget,
Never regret
I'm forever yours,
I wish for you to be forever mine.
Fuck the world,
And fuck them all.
Once we stop this fight, bb with each other
We can get back to, fighting the world together.

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Final Thoughts

We cannot always control the storms that roll through our homes or the emotions of the people we love. However, we can control whether we let those storms capsize our boat. Giving someone time to heal and process is a gift to them, but keeping yourself safe, grounded, and whole is a gift to yourself. The fight outside might still be waiting, but inside this space, peace has already won. Arguments, although not generally healthy are bound to happen. People and feelings clash, sometimes they crash and burn. That's when it's best to just take that break and come back when the pipes have cooled, so to speak.