The Soundtrack for my Dissociation

I once realised that I wanted a soundtrack that could join me whether I was staring at the sunset or huddled in a dark corner of my room, dissociating. There’s certain moments in life when you don’t really want to feel anything. You don’t want to think, you don’t want to even be aware of where or what you are. As a student, you get a lot of those moments. So back when I was a student, I started building a playlist for those exact moments, that grew to encompass much more.

I make a lot of emotion-based playlists. I have one for anger, sadness, and even excitement. This one however was a bit more about a feeling than an emotion. The title of the playlist, “As a Kite” plays on the saying “high as a kite”, which brings to mind certain substances I'm sure, but that’s besides the point. It comes from the sensation of floating; floating above your worries, your stress, and yourself. I wanted a playlist that made me feel like I could leave my body at any time, and could still make a great partner for a drink or two. As you can expect, it’s full of cloudy instrumentals and echoing vocals. However, as someone who takes pride in listening to a wide range of genres, I specifically made sure the sounds featured weren’t homogenous. So, let’s run through a few songs to show you the range i’m talking about.

The Full Spectrum

The first song on the playlist didn’t necessarily cause it’s creation, but is such a good representation of the sound of this playlist that it was the first song that came to my mind in the creation process.

I’m speaking of the track Selfish, by UK artist Little Simz and Cleo Soul. The song begins purely with drums and piano; a soft, rhythmic beat to back the track, and an angelic melody to match Cleo Soul’s angelic chorus. Once it gets going though, a jazzy bassline and soft strings join the main instrumentation, giving the song a simultaneously groovy and ethereal quality. Brilliant rapper that she is, Simz, augments this with the wise words and reflections of her verses, dropping authentic wisdom like “love and hate can never be friends” and “don’t rush everything in this divine time”. It’s as good a blend of hip hop and soul as i’ve ever heard, and the impressive lyricism lends to that feeling of floating.

But from Hip-hop/Soul, we can shuffle straight to the slightly abrasive electronic stylings of Flume and SOPHIE on Voices. This is one of a few tracks on this playlist I can see some people taking or leaving. For an ear used to industrial style production, the “bangs” and “boops” mixed in here don’t particularly ruin the vibe, but if those harsher sounds are new to you, it’s very understandable if this one is skip worthy.

A more classic sound could come for you next though, like the Acoustic rendition of Mahalia and Rico Nasty’s Jealous, a usually rebellious and R&B track, shifted to a much more spacey, melodic track as the instrumental is swapped out for an acoustic guitar. Or even, the pop stylings of Rina Sawayama on Bad Friend, a vulnerable, reflective track that sees Rina looking back on crumbled friendships and happier times gone by.

The Feeling

It might be obvious at this point, but although I said this playlist wasn’t made according to a certain emotion, it is built to augment what emotions might be swimming around in the back of your mind. Memories by Thutmose for example, might strike you harder if you’re in the middle of some romantic angst with it’s refrains of “why won’t you love me now” and “what’s left if I give you my all”. Even in my happiest periods, it still strikes some deeply hidden angst in the back of my mind.

Or, if you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed by life’s everyday injustices, Noname’s Rainforest might put your near tears with not only the delicate touch of her vocals, but the anger laced vulnerability and sadness baked into her lyrics and delivery. For me, the lyric “everybody dies a little, but I just want to dance tonight” is a particularly perfect representation of how it feels to try and soldier on through whatever pain you might be feeling. Fittingly, since this is the kind of playlists that fit in that spot just before you get up to continue with your journey.

At around 11 hours, this certainly isn’t a playlist you sit down and listen to in its entirety. It’s mostly something you’d want to absorb smaller slices of. Maybe if you fell asleep mid listen you could get through it all, but I usually just vibe to it for a few hours, skipping and repeating as the moment carries me. There’s certainly enough varied sounds in here to make every session unique, without betraying that core feeling of floating on a cloud, ideally with the sun in your face.