The skill that saved me.

Reject

My career as a teacher came to an end in 2013 when I failed to get the job I was doing really well, having not impressed the panel at interview as much as another candidate. This was the second time in nine years that this had happened to me. It didn't seem to count that I had helped some of the students improve their A Level resits from a grade D to a grade A, for example, or that I was popular with my classes, and that I was an excellent teacher. I was devastated; but somewhere in the back of my mind, I was also relieved.

Unknown to me, I was actually in the very early stages of pregnancy, and being a naturally anxious person, it was a mercy that I was 'jobless'. I didn't pursue any other work, and with the support of my husband, I decided to live off my summer salary, and then claim maternity benefit. I felt guilty of course, since I was 'institutionalised', I suppose: I was used to living off adrenaline, pressure and deadlines. I was a skilled and qualified professional, used to running the 'rat-race' every day. I knew no different.

I had a very traumatic labour, and after my daughter was born, I had the 'Baby Blues' (a misnomer, indeed, as it's more than just blues), and then I deteriorated significantly into PND. I had sleep obsession, in which I was worried I wouldn't sleep, so I was on sleeping medication; I had panic disorder in which my stomach would churn and my heart would race all day; I had depression, mourning the loss of my innocent self; and I hated this new 'unprofessional', domestic role of caring for a baby. I loved her, but I didn't 'love the job'.

I did eventually get better after a couple of years of medical treatment, and just by getting used to my new 'job'. But, I knew I needed time for me, and I wanted to earn money. People suggested I tutor, and I did for a while at first, but I hated it. I hated anything to do with teaching.

On a night out with two of my lovely ex-colleagues, and feeling resentful towards their 'shop-talk', they encouraged me to take the plunge, and suggested I start selling my hand drawn cards on Etsy. I had always made the department's cards for weddings, a new baby, birthdays. I hadn't heard of 'Etsy', and I wasn't sure. I had always been able to draw, and I loved making, so I thought, why not?

The Early Days

At first, I would do simple little drawings of hares, moons, red foxes, butterflies, that sort of thing, on drawing paper, and I would sit at my kitchen table, with my pens, pencils, pink scissors, card stock, and I would carefully cut-out my little images, and glue them to the pre-folded card. I was too nervous to draw straight onto the card, in case I made mistakes.

My photos and my shop were very amateur at first, but I learned how to improve, and my sales were very irregular, but I now loved putting my energy into my new little venture. I kept my prices really modest, at first, as I was only really learning, but people had begun commissioning me to make them cards, and a dog-walker commissioned me to make 25 cards of dogs for her clients! It was a huge order, and it took me a couple of weeks, but I learned so much.

Healing.

With a 'purpose', I gained confidence in myself. I still couldn't talk about teaching, as I felt betrayed and 'thrown-out'. My anxiety would raise its hideous head now and again, but I knew that I didn't have to cope with the pressure of a classroom everyday like I did before, and something had broken inside me when my daughter was born. I found I couldn't cope with pressure or demands. But this little job gave me work to do, and therapy, I suppose, in my mindful activity. I didn't make much, and I still don't, but it's still money I have earned!

After about a year, I signed up to an illustration class with a professional artist as the teacher. It really challenged me, and taught me how to find my own style. I bought more professional watercolour paints and better paper. I knew nothing about these things before. I still make cards, but I am so much quicker and more efficient now, which is reflected in my prices. The class pushed me to draw buildings, pets, and over the years, I have extended my range into landmarks, maps, I get my work printed onto purses, key-rings, mugs, stickers...

I take commissions, but I have to be careful not to say 'yes' all the time. I took on too much and became burnt out last Christmas. I still do push myself too much. An old habit, I suppose. I sell some of my pieces in a beautiful little shop in the next town, and it gives me great pleasure when I see what has sold that month.

After about five years, I did take on some tuition work. Just a couple of students at first, because I wasn't really earning much with my little shop, and yet I didn't want to tutor very many. But, I had had five years to heal from being rejected, and from being traumatised by my labour experience. I now tutor six students online. It has helped me to realise how much I love teaching, and how good I am at helping students to achieve their potential.

I have moved on and developed considerably since that evening my friends encouraged me to do this. I will be forever thankful to them for believing in me.

I have new tools, and even though my little pink scissors served me well, I have a guillotine, given to me by my husband, who couldn't believe I was cutting everything out by hand! I have lovely paints, gorgeous watercolour paper, a scanner, and a great laptop, but more than that, I have a soft-heart that has been made more resilient having had time to heal.