The Silent Mind
Writing Through Depression & Anxiety
*Trigger Warning. Mentions of Depression, Please read at your own discretion*
Look into her eyes and you may see, a little girl so alive, wild, and free. But burdened by the darkness that hovers with ease…a demon that forever takes the front seat. Holding her hand and taking the lead… this unwanted demon that only she can see. Please, why can’t you hear her silent screams… something she takes with her into her dreams. She can’t escape this feeling of sorrow, it’s here today, yesterday, and most likely tomorrow. She stands at the mirror, watching her thoughts be free, as this demon slowly takes over her will to please. She sees no reason to make you proud, she’s just a lost soul within a blind crowd. No purpose no desire, no light within her fire. This demon is her biggest supplier, preparing her for an early retire.
Cloudy and bitter is the world she sees; this demon is changing her like a disease. The colours become grey as light does not stay, sadness is apparent and lingers her day. The thing with this demon is he tells you your okay, while leaving you on a prolonged downward spiral of decay. He sits and he stares; a presence that never truly disappears, watching and waiting until she sheds her final tear. You know this demon, he gave her no choice, she’s stuck with him forever, he’s become her inner voice.
A simple walk outside becomes too much to handle, the noises surrounding is like a flicker of a candle. The flame so bright but small in sight, with one simple breathe… you’ve lost your light. The exhaustion that comes from a day well spent, faking a smile, is such torment. “I'm Ok” you hear me say, as my mind so simply floats away… away from the burdening hole I dug myself, hiding my pain, my fear, my own mental health.
It’s not that easy to let it all go, the way her mind makes her feel so low. It’s a constant battle inside her head, from the moment she wakes up to the time she goes to bed. But oh no, it doesn’t end there… the way this demon creeps in despair, through the night and in the air she’s left unavoidably trapped within her own living nightmare.
It grabs her hand and pulls her away, away from the light she so wishes would stay. You’re blinded by her darkness, so you give her no chance, she feels so lost, threatened, and alone all at once. Her hurt becomes pain, and she sees no other way, so her intrusive thoughts start to take over her day. A walking nightmare holding her captive, leaving her a mind so hyperactive. “Do it”, it speaks, as she slowly faces defeat…her demon stands watching as she loses the will to compete. Compete against its everlasting train of self-destruct… 1 cut…2 cut…is that door shut?
Please don’t just say “You’ll be ok”, if it were that easy she wouldn’t be this way. It’s hard to explain what’s happening in her brain, she can’t just switch a switch and start all over again. Don’t dismiss her struggles or how she cracks her knuckles, don’t ignore her silent state or her telling you she feels great. Don’t question her mind as she already feels undefined. Just be there in presence as she walks her track, supporting her and helping her feelings unpack. Don’t lead and don’t follow, please don’t ponder in her sorrow, just simply be there to remind her… to hold on for tomorrow.