The Shadow Man

I’m standing there in front of everyone, of all my family. My Mother who seemed to not know how to be a mother but only a wife. My two older brothers who only saw me as a spoiled child. Then a shadowy figure with dark eyes looking over me, looking through me. The dream always starts the same. His eyes moving up and down my figure in an unnatural way. My brothers are playing video games while my mother is trying to figure out her life. She always had ideas you see but never accomplished them. She made goals with no actual start of achieving them. She’s present but not actually aware of her surroundings but maybe that's by choice. Or maybe something happened to her, for her to be so blinded by the Shadow man.

The Shadow Man started towards me and grabbed my arm and it burned my skin. A touch like a flame. I started screaming in pain and screaming because I was afraid. I screamed until my throat ran to the horse. But no one even turned my way, not a glance. They kept on with what they were doing as if I was not even there in the room with them. As if I was a blank space in the room with no shadow of my own for them to see. The Shadow Man started pulling me and I tried to fight back, but he turned and looked at me with those dark eyeless eyes and I had stopped screaming. I went completely still, frozen in fear. The burning pain was still there where he grabbed me, but looking into those blank eyes kept me quiet.

Out of fear, out of uncertainty of what would happen to me if I kept screaming. But I knew what would happen, he would hurt me, he would hurt my family if I kept screaming. Even if they couldn't hear me or see me, I had to protect them. The job landed on me.

See I was a light that the Shadow Man wanted, wanted to pluck away at since he was so dark. The light that he wanted to dim, but also wanted to protect, wanted all for himself. He turned back facing forward and still with his burning grip at my arm I had to walk with him. I turned and looked back at the family that I was born into and did not choose, but God chose for me. Their blank expressions like nothing around them was happening, what other choice did I have but to walk with the Shadow Man. We walked into the Shadow Man's cave, it was just as dark as him, the only thing that led me through was my shining light.

The light started off as glowing from inside my arms, then my golden curls, down to my toes. His grip never loosened and I did not fight back. What could a small child do but to accept what was told of her? We walked for days, then turned into months, then years. The grip never loosening, but my light was growing dim. I was being engraved into the darkness of the cave as the time passed. The Shadow Man's grip was draining my light. I sometimes cried, but everyday I prayed.

Talking to God asking him why did my family not see me, why am I being dragged into this darkness. Because if everything is God’s plan, what is this plan? Why did I have to be a part of it? I wanted to be a little girl playing in the mud. A little girl playing dress up without the Shadow Man watching me dress. I prayed and asked for it to end, I screamed in my head, make the burning go away, make it stop. How can I make it stop?

The Shadow Man never spoke except the day I bled. That day we stopped walking and he turned to look at me with beadless eyes. “You’re a woman now” was all he said in a demonic voice, a possessed voice, a voice that smelled of whiskey and smoke. What does that mean? What is it becoming a woman that has changed me? His breathing became more rapid like a dog. I was scared, I had never heard something sound more evil than those words.

What is going to happen now? His grip tightened and the burning that was once bearable became harsher. I tried to grab at it because I had never felt such pain before. My light was almost gone being sucked away by his grip, I had to fight, there was nothing else to do. I prayed for strength and I started to struggle under his grip. He hissed a venomous sound but I kept trying to get loose, I had to get loose, I had to end this and I was the only one. My light started to come back. What was once a dim firefly was now turning into a bright sun ray. The Shadow Man hissed in pain instead of anger.

That's when I knew my light was hurting him. The fiery grip started to loosen and finally I was free from it. My light beamed so bright it lit up the cave and the Shadow Man ducked to hide from it. I stepped towards him and he stepped back. I screamed at him as he would do to me all those times I cried alone. He became smaller with each step I took forward. I'm the only one that can end this. Let it out, let it all out. The fear, the anger, the sadness, the loneliness. This demon must be vanquished, he can never hurt anyone else. I then let out a banshee screech and let out all the air in my lungs. The Shadow Man had been defeated. Vanquished by the voice I never knew I had.

The area where he gripped my arm for all this time had a burnt scar. A scar I will have to carry with me for the rest of my years. The scar as a reminder that something had happened and I fought off an evil being. A scar to remind me that I survived years of being with the Shadow Man. Alone, scared, praying for death to visit me, praying that someone who loved me would find me. But no love came on a white horse, no greeter of death to take me down the river Styx. I defeated the Shadow Man with my voice and my light, my will to end this, to make the burning stop. Now it has stopped. Where do I go from here? I looked around in the cave and was there alone. I could go backwards in time, but what would that bring me? Will the pain I went through be for nothing? Or I continue to go forward and find an end to this aging cave. No I must go forward, to go backwards the echoes of my cries would ring in my ears. To go backwards the growth I have come through would cease and reverse.

I walked forward chest high, chin up, tears wiped from my face, I looked for the end of this cave. Now I have my light to guide me. The burnt scar left on my forearm, I looked down at it, balled my hand into a fist and said “Never again will a Shadow Man have power over me. Never again will I be touched by such a being. Never again will I Know this pain and never again will anyone else go through this pain”. I started forward with no map, no guidance, just the belief that there is a way out. There has to be a way out. I kept my light close to me, protecting it as it protected me. The journey is a long one. I have my battle wound , but as long as I do not stop walking, running ,I will never lose my will to keep going. I know I can make it out of here. I will make it out of here.

The dream ends, I wake feeling groggy as if I had slept for a decade. But at the same time I feel like I did not sleep at all. I check my clock, I am awake before my alarm again. I look over and see my dog sleeping so soundly. The night light in my room glows the bright yellow butterfly glow. I pull back the covers to get out of bed and head towards the kitchen for a glass of water. As I poured my burnt scar shined on my forearm. Sometimes it still bothers me, a ghostly pain from my nerve being scorched. But I push through it, as a reminder of what I overcame. The wound is healed and I look around my apartment, the soft glow in each room. No Shadow Man has entered here, they hate the light. That’s why they try to crush it, steal it, and say horrible things to it. My alarm started to go off,”Well, time to start the day” I said to myself. Open the curtains, a beautiful sunrise fills the room. I feel the warmth of the rays wrap around me like an old friend and soak it in. Breathe, just breathe it all in and start the day as a new.