The Self Obsession with Psyche Imperfection

Despite the fact we have a conducted thought process to conduct what to say, somehow a certain sentence slips through that makes this self-scrutinizing turmoil begin and it just doesn't stop.

It's hard to have this composed composition or demeanor to present to peers or friends. Not like putting on an act, we all are own unique human walking around on the funny green rock. It's hard to maintain being ourselves with that with problems that dwell within, no matter how dire that problem is that happens on accident or is unfortunately reenacted. Maybe it's a problem with depression or a problem with someone else and it's hindering on how it wasn't dealt with.

I want to share my struggle with this self obsession with my psyche about what that feels like. I want others to understand what anxiety is like or others that may not know why someone can be very articulate and apologetic.

Why some things can't be fixed with , "Don't Think About It".

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend of mine, where I accidentally used a certain personal problem of mine to relate to his in the conversation. I hadn't realized that he had heard this problem of mine about as much as Fox News talks about politics. I wasn't thinking and accidentally brought it up and it was very convoluted, I emphasized too much which caused concern.

In turn he wanted to address his concern for how often I talk about this personal problem of mine, saying that it is holding me back and plaguing my mind. I replied saying that I was not plagued with this problem, and I am standing tall with my decision in regards to this problem (yes it still lingers, but I push it back as much as I can as anyone with anxiety tries to do). I kept my answers clear and cohesive to explain my side that I have it under control, but given the circumstance it would appear that I don't which is why he was very concerned.

I misinterpreted and misrepresented my own point I was trying to make. I was trying to help him and in turn he was concerned.

All I kept thinking of was, "My god I'm annoying, I did it again, I tried so hard to refrain from plaguing people with my problems. I need to apologize and promise it won't happen again"

At the end of our conversation, I apologized, he was kind and caring as always with saying that he loved me and wanted me to be OK.

Reflecting on that whole situation with a clear head, there isn't anything wrong. It is a friend of mine having concern for me about my problems. But on my side, during the conversation and after the conversation. I felt a shame in me that I brought up a past topic, I scolded myself about how much I accidentally repeat myself.

I sat on my bed and scolded myself for doing that, I called myself many negative terms like : annoying, selfish, moocher, terrible. All of these weren't true about me, I was degrading myself for no reason at all. I took a friend trying to help me into wondering if I scrutinize the friendship by repetition.

No one likes hearing, "you talk about that a lot", it's that unknowing effect that we may have not known its come up or it accidentally came up and we didn't think about it. Sometimes that happens, there is a guilt that dwells that it's happened again when there was a self-promise it wouldn't happen. Hearing those words is very hard because it's always associated negatively, when someone is trying to berate the subject. It is instinctively identified as negative no matter what happens, that's the first reaction, that was my first reaction. The reality is , I should have immediately have seen this as a positive critique. This was someone looking out for me, and I misinterpreted it and took it too sensitively.

The friends we have, much like the one I mentioned who gave a positive confrontation, want us to succeed and to be happy. Sometimes those, like me, who struggle with a past problem or anxiety that self-criticizes to a unhealthy negative extant can be misinterpreted. It's hard to see that concern for a well being, when the well being is plagued about that one thing that went wrong.

It's hard to make sure a past subject or a past mannerism is halted or closed for that case.

It's great to open up to our friends, it shows a sign of trust and value. There's even an appreciation to know this person wants to share their problem or to feel safe enough to share a problem with them.

When that problem is accidentally repeated within the subject (either segued or not), depending on how dire the exact situation is. It is tricky to bring this subject up again and again, either wanting an opinion or something else comes up with it in a present development.

Self-analyzing in the battle with anxiety becomes so intense that it's hard to maintain being the person who we are.

It becomes a terrifying task to maintain from revealing too many personal problems from leaking into conversation. Making sure that not even one problem leeks through because it feels as if releasing one or many can crumble the progress of maintaining from talking about past problems or occurrences.

I'm the kind of person that doesn't like being the main focus, and when I want to talk about my problems whether I did on intention or not, I still feel a selfishness to talk about it or I feel others will think of me as too self-centered.

It's hard for someone to to say , "oh don't worry about it." or "don't think on it." Those sentences are hard to process as the terms of comfort that they are.

For people that have either: social anxiety, depression, existential anxiety, or anything that makes any simple situation that can be reflected on every part to be scrutinized, it's hard to let it go.

During a function, whether it is dinner or and evening out, or catching up with a friend. During or after that evening, anything can be reflected , if something comes up in that moment or later on, that can be turned negatively. It's hard to shake that thought off, it's replayed over and over like a scene out of a horror movie.

Processing those moments are tricky to tackle, either to hold onto on purpose to prepare for the next experience in order to prevent that situation from becoming reenacted or accidentally repeat the story. The tougher ordeal of letting that whole situation go is scarcely hard to do depending on the scars. Sometimes those scars are wounded further by having that situation repeated when we don't mean to.

We hold self-image in a high regard with our own identity that the term "being yourself" is hard when we are so hard on ourselves.

It's impossible to prevent a past problem or bring up a problem from the past.

It's difficult to decipher the other person as we try to decipher them to gauge the ambiance in order to know what to reveal or how to act.

The other person might not know about past problems in certain functions. They may not know that there were problems in childhood that made it hard to socialize or open up. Those traumatic experiences may have led to a silent anxiety trip which leads to the predicament being harder that the entire evening. The whole evening could be misinterpreted because of being a harsh critique to ourselves. We strive for that perfection, we want to have that moment we imagine at dinner or on a date or an important moment.

Sometimes it can be misinterpreted as being to sensitive, which makes that ordeal even more traumatic with the psyche hearing something that is critical. When the reality is someone misdirected the topic to be sensitive, then when the other person accused of being sensitive is trying to direct somewhere else or explain the reasoning. The truth is immediately constructed to what it wasn't, making that whole evening embarrassing and damming.

We can misinterpret and others will misinterpret, it's a shitty cycle of life.

As mentioned earlier, being ourselves gets to be hard when we are hard on our own self.

We think too much of ourselves in a critical way because we live with ourselves. Anxiety doesn't magically go away or realistically, it's hard to ruminate on it for a positive side to prevent from overthinking.

It's a lot to think about, because I've had a lot of time to think on it. Why my mind went a marathon of madness, why I constricted myself to feel terrible when I shouldn't have? What the other person doesn't know and if it's important that they know, how should or how would I tell them? It's questions without answers, not all of them will have a comforting answer to ease the heart and mind.

I won't say any generic comforting terms like , "This too shall pass" or "things work out". That never gave me comfort because I know I'll still come home and stress myself out over things I shouldn't be.

All I can say is if you have a situation like mine where you just can't stop your mind.

• Please get a drink of water or tea.
• Please write down your thoughts and access the situation when you can see it on paper as opposed to tangled thoughts in your head.
• Put on some music that helps you, like calming music to help you ease your aches. If it's a bad anxiety attack, get some energetic, anxiety relating music to get it out of your system. Tire yourself out, it has worked for me.
• Please get a snack after all that evaluating.
• Put your situation in a scenario talking to your favorite character from a television show, let your imagination become a makeshift therapy. I've done that many times myself, putting my tumultuous turmoil into dialogue to talk to one of my characters from my book, I imagine how they would react to it.
• If, or when you are comfortable, talk about your assessment you've made with a trusted friend

I know what it's like to criticize yourself, but please take care of yourself.

Let others take care of you too.

Thank you for reading this.