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The Seer

A Journey Through Adolescent Subconscious

By Dominic DoratoPublished 4 years ago 5 min read
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The Seer’s Symbol

My childhood was rather haunted, repressed memories of my uncle sexually assaulting me is only scratching the tip of the iceberg. All around me at a young age i saw the death of strangers, some real, some just imprints of past deaths left behind. Drug abuse was at the epicenter of my mother’s side of the family, namely my grandmother. My mother and father always resented each other with me in the center as a middle-man. Within myself i found some semblance of peace, my imagination filling in the gaps for things i wanted to forget. Invincible heroes and justice that persevered and struck down evil, fantastical environments that overshadowed the deep dark i lived through daily. I lived like that for so long until life lost its magic when i started developing emotions, needs and wants that couldnt be hidden behind the curtains of my sunconsious projections. My reality became shattered in my early teens when i started experiencing just that; reality. Everything broke down in front of me and i built an ego to protect myself and build and image of normalcy, though that barely worked. I made several attempts at my own life before i created a makeshift solution; the seer. The seer by no stretch of the imagination was what you could perceive to be “real” but to me the seer was very real. As i denied myself the capacity to process all of my negative emotions i just shoveled it all into him as a way to kind of invent this seperate entity for them. I didnt feel bad things, i didnt feel sadness, or at least thats what i would tell myself. But as it progressed he only grew, the shadows of my subconscious guilt weighed me down to the point of lucidity, he took shape, he had a voice, and most of all he had a philosophy.



“He who sees all, knows none”



What was he saying to me? This large shadowy figure protruded from the deepest corners of my subconscious, covered in piercing eyes, yet implored me to use none of them. Who is he, and why has he become this way? The only answer i could honestly squeeze out of it was that he wanted me to converge with all my negative emotions. To truly see myself beyond the mask of the ego i presented. But thats so much easier said than done for a teenager in high school at first when i tried to come to terms with it i had an intense series of mental trauma flood into me all at once, like everything that ever had happened to me was in that one moment. I didnt know who i was, i didnt know why i was in my body. But i just remember “he who sees all, knows none” what the fuck is this? Some kind of cult film? Short answer: no. Long answer: yes but hold on. In highschool i scribbled something before being institutionalized for roughly a year after a severe meltdown resulting in CPS involvement, a symbol, a rune of sorts. I gave him shape in the real world to take away his power in the unconscious world. But why was i so afraid of him. At around 17 when i was discharged i felt a sense of clarity like he had finally gone away but i hadnt learned everything he wanted me to know.



Enter my desire for connection.



Some part of me wanted to fix what my parents had broken for so long. I wanted genuine love and i sought that, the problem is; i was young. What 17 year old in their right fucking mind knows what they really want at that point, just a consistent cycle of trying to fix things where there werent problems. Some white knight complex leading into the rise and fall of multiple relationships, my biggest mistake happening when i was 19. I really loved this woman from the deepest recesses of my heart but neither i nor her lives were put together. Enter the same saviour complex from my early adolescence and here we stand again, im missing something, what am i not seeing?



“He who sees all, knows none”



I see me but not myself, i see her but not her traumas. It took four years and cut ties to really reflect on the why’s. Why is it i want love, beyond the surface? Why is it that my uncle raped me.. did he feel powerless in his life? Why did my grandmother do drugs and steal from my family, was she hurt? Why did my father need control of everything, and why wasnt my mother able to leave.. were they trying to build what they didnt have? And why do things come to be, beyond the action, before the intent, and beyond what i could percieve. All at once i finally understood what he said to me. And in that moment i understood what i really wanted. To be understood. To be cared for. To feel as though everything i went through wasnt just some convoluted series of illusions built up to protect myself. I’m 23 now, and i feel like ive just begun my life... im excited!



“He who sees all, knows none. Cast aside predilection. Look beyond yourself and you will come to know who you really are.”



This is his symbol, i am him, this is my story.

trauma
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