The Second Voice in Your Head

There have always been two voices in my head. One, allowing me my mistakes, accepting myself as enough, and preaching self-love. The other, as you can imagine, doing the exact opposite. As anyone with anxiety will know, the bad thoughts can tend to drown out the positive ones in times of stress and worry. And as is the case with anxiety, this seems to be all of the time.

It has always been that the negative side of my mind was dominant. It told me I was worthless, a waste of space, a burden on all who met me. It was backed up by bad experiences, and these seemed to confirm the theory that I was better off dead. I am sure that many anxiety sufferers have felt overwhelmed by dark emotions and thoughts at some point—it can leave you with little reason why you should continue to live. The second voice, that feels so integral to your being, can seem to always be winning.

My second voice always won. Through childhood and adolescence, I received no respite from criticism from myself, which led me to be sure that everyone else felt the same. My confidence shrunk and I began to doubt every single aspect of myself. And to this day, it is still a struggle.

But I dug myself out of the worst of it. I got help, surrounded myself with people who reminded me every day of the qualities they loved about me, and that I should also love. I started to believe them, and to listen to that first voice, the real me, more and more. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that for sufferers of anxiety, that second voice is never going to go away. But these are some ways that I've managed to send it away for a good while!

Give it a name.

This is important. Making this part of your brain seem to be its own entity, separate from the rest of you, can make it much easier to battle. If you accept it as part of yourself, then its power seems unstoppable—after all, you cannot get rid of aspects of your own mind. For me, giving the voice a name was an amazing step towards being able to distance myself from it and understand that those thoughts were irrational. The name itself is irrelevant—I picked the name of my high school tormentor, allowing me to realize that if we were back in the classroom and she was saying these things to me, they would be unacceptable—why should it be okay for me to say them to myself? Giving yourself a chance to fight these thoughts and realize that they do not define you is so important on the steps towards more positive thinking.

Make it funny.

Something that can often work for me is giving the voice a humorous character. Personally, I like to imagine a cruel customer like those I used to serve in my job in retail, and remind myself that just as these comments would be unfair and irrational if they were directed at me across a cash machine, they are also this way inside my own brain. Imagine the pinch of salt with which retail workers have to take these comments. Acknowledge them, and then push them aside. They are in the way of you living a fulfilling life, which you can do. By giving the voice a comical slant which I can laugh at, I often find its power over me is reduced. Just because someone makes a comment about you doesn't make it true—and this applies to that second voice in your head. Challenge each comment!

Imagine directing the comments at your 10-year-old self.

This method can often be powerful, as it causes us to imagine a younger, more vulnerable version of ourselves and imagine ourselves being as cruel to them as we are to ourselves now. All of those thoughts about you being better off dead—would you really tell them to your 10-year-old self, should you find yourself standing before them? How does it change your thinking to imagine how you would talk to this person? Imagining ourselves in this position forces us to remember that we are human and make mistakes. Just because we feel we are flawed does not mean we would go back in time and tell ourselves at that age that we are worthless. Allow yourself room to learn, be challenged, and grow—and this means pushing aside the thoughts you wouldn't have wanted to hear at that age.

Imagine you are speaking to a loved one.

For this exercise, I always imagine my 12-year-old sister, but it also works with anyone you love. Imagine how many times you remind them of their amazing qualities, the reasons they deserve the world, and why you are endlessly glad to have them in your life. I know that my sister is kind, beautiful, strong, and all-around incredible. I imagine telling her that she is worthless, useless, and undeserving, and it breaks my heart. I think of all the positives about her, every single eccentricity that makes her wonderful, and the reasons why I love her. List all of these things for your person. Imagine telling them all of the things you love, all of the memories that have impacted you, and the times you have looked at them and smiled with pure joy. Turn it around! List everything you love about yourself, everything you've done right, everyone you've impacted for the better. Think about that guilty smile you crack when you've stolen the last bit of chocolate. Think about that time you helped a shy kid in class gain a little confidence. Think about the number of times you've dropped everything to be there for a friend in a time of need. Think of the crazy dancing in supermarkets, always offering lifts even when you have no time, and the inner nerd that is unleashed every time you enter an art gallery. Think of all of the things people love about you and the reasons they want you to stay in this world! Think of tiny acts of kindness that have turned a person's day around. You don't have to be saving the world, just making it a little bit better every day with your presence.

In the end, you will always have two voices. But the second voice doesn't have to win. With practice, the first voice can end up shouting so loud you can't hear anything else. If you're reading this, and you needed something to tell you to keep going, this is it! Someone out there loves you and wants you in their world. You are worth your own life. Reach out to others, be kind to yourself, and most importantly, tell that second voice to get lost!