The Purchase

I took a deep breath and just a little more than a sip of wine as I steeled my nerves, preparing to do one of the things that scared me most in the world. It was such a simple thing. I knew that if anyone could see how close to a breakdown I was, they would think I was certifiably insane. Most of the lights were off in my living room so the glare from my computer screen was especially harsh. Which was actually fitting for how I was feeling. Just as I gave up and was about to shut my computer down, my phone rang. I answered to the sound of my sister rattling off a list of all the things that made her body absolutely perfect.

It all started about two months ago at lunch with my sister. She is one of those people who finds flaws in her body, perfect as it may be, and takes her insecurities out on everyone around her. We were at my favorite Mexican restaurant and when asked if we'd like more chips, her response was something along the lines of "of course, she's not one to turn down food." She thought she was making a joke and normally I would have just let it go. But this one just cut into me deeper than usual.

I had a baby several months ago and had been struggling with my body and self-image ever since. I'm fully aware that I'm supposed to be absolutely in love with this magical body that grew and birthed a miracle, but it's not as easy as it's made to look. To keep it brief, an argument ensued about how rude and inconsiderate my sister is with it ending in her telling me that I am a hypocrite for always telling her to love her body but not even being able to love my own. As I calmed down, I realized she was right. I complained all the time about how my clothes fit, how I felt, how few of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit, the list could go on and on. So we made a deal to work on our attitudes together.

I'd been in and out of the gym, as inconsistent as can be, but I finally addressed the fact that I'd never be consistent because I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was trying to do it for how I'd look to others, for what other people would say about me and obviously that game plan had not been working. My sister and I decided that when we started to be overrun with negative thoughts we would simply call or message each other and say something we loved about ourselves. The longer lists tended to come in times of more serious insecurity, when we couldn't do anything else to shut off the voice in our minds pointing out every single disgusting thing in the mirror. Listing the beautiful parts of ourselves out loud to each other seemed to make those things more tangible. Although it was slow-going, I did start to notice a difference. I could look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry, I could run at the gym without constantly feeling like people were staring at me, I could wear clothes I loved instead of clothes that hid every inch of my body. Me actually falling in love with my body brings us to me sitting in my living room with a glass of wine and my sister miraculously calling me just as I've given up on buying that super cute bikini I felt ridiculous for ever imagining myself in.

As I listen to her list numerous things that she adores about herself, I know that just moments before she called she was in exactly the same situation I had found myself in. Overcome with doubt and hate and insecurity, regardless of how many steps forward we had both taken. She finishes her list and I knock back the rest of the wine in my glass, beginning my own personal list as I click purchase. Actually wearing the thing will be another battle in itself, but at least giving myself the opportunity is a pretty solid brick in my road to self love.