The Power of Thoughts

Needless to say, this year has been a clustercuss of unforseen and unwaranted events all wrapped up with a mask and a bottle of Purell sanitizer. For some it has included self isolation, baking endless amounts of vegan banana bread recipes found on instagram, and contstant work and/or personal zoom calls. For a lot of us, it has meant that that monster, tamed and tucked far away in the attic, by the name of depression has decided to come back down and make itself evident yet again. It has caused a fury of picking up of pieces, controling anxiety, and yet again, taming the monster and tucking it tamely back in the attic.

Though of course, the pandemic may of affected many people in different ways, for myself however, it caused something that I was hoping would not have to make it to the light of day again, and that is, my stress, depression, and on occasion, panic attacks. During March, April, and May, like many others, my world stopped. Seeing everyone I knew ceased. Dinner parties came to a hault. Traveling was no longer a thing. An evening cocktail at a glitzy hotel bar came to an end. I went into recluse. Everything went silent, and for the first time, I felt alone. I was isolated. Solitude.

By no means is this a self-help guide, an unwarranted piece of advice, or an answer to any questions. Merely, a piece of help, should someone find they need it. I am one to admit I never ask for help, I grew up an only child so naturally, felt like it was just me on one side and then everyone else on the other. This year plunged me into a slightly different feeling when it came to solitude and loneliness. I couldn't just walk outside and be around people, or go out with a friend for a drink, or even go to the movies alone and still feel surrounded by people. This time, I was left with just me and my thoughts. If anyone has ever struggled with depression, anxiety, and prolonged stress you will come to realize that one of the biggest challenges is overcoming and conquering your thoughts. The smallest thing turned out to be the biggest mountain left to climb.

A lovely British writer + speaker by the name of Alan Watts, once put it adequately, that "thinking is a great servant, but a bad master." So, by mid summer and into the fall my thoughts had officially became my master. My mind was flooded into every crevice and you could say, caused irreparable leaks and damage. I must say, that I do suffer from always thinking, unceasingly. It would seem that by time October came and I was celebrating my 28th birthday, all my thoughts were already overruling me. I thought to myself; 2020 has stolen one entire year, has ripped me of nearly 12 months of memories, and almost 365 days of opportunities. I tried eating healthier, excercising more, meditating, and even went to praying quietly at a local cathedral (though I am more spiritual than religious). It seemed as if none of this helped to cease all that was going on in my mind. I kept bouncing off thoughts of complete self-failure, inability to be as agile as everyone else around me and on social media, get a proper job, and eventually caused me to lose some of myself in an eating disorder succumbing myself to starvation out of stress and constant panic, and stress for what could be. Naturally this left me an empty shell. Completely void of anything that was once a semblance of myself. And so, every human being comes to a point where they burn and eventually they burn out, but I believe, that you can always come back again. You can heal.

So I turned inward, far inward to the cornerstone of everything. The mind. Where there is light there is always darkness. The two forces are always working against each other, yet, both live in compleate symbiosis with one another and cannot exist without the other. I realized that I, again, was giving too much power to dark thoughts, the bad of what could potentially happen, what might happen if xyz occurred. The feeling of being stuck in a situation completely beyond my control. I decided I needed to quiet myself. Quiet my thoughts. Quiet the storm inside of my head. I needed to be silent, because my now faintly beating heart was trying to speak, and had been trying to speak for months now over the loud shouts of my ever echoing thoughts. However, one cannot simply "turn off" their thoughts and turn the dial to "heart". It must happen, organicaly. So eventually I began to shift my thoughts and give less and less power to the overbearing thoughts that had flooded my mind. I started thinking of anything else, or, if place and location gave way, go for a walk, and be with nature, be in a state of organic feeling, so that I too can in a natural way silence heavy thoughts. I learned to be in silence and to be with myself. When the world originally went into a state of isolation in the beginning of 2020 it forced me to myself and made all of those thoughts of depression, stress, and anxiety come back to the top of the stack via my thoughts. In silencing myself, I find that I am able to become the master of my thoughts-- afterall, thoughts are meant to benefit us, they are our servant. The power of a thought is such an underestimated thing, I believe. If you believe you can do anything, if you truly think you can. Then what is stopping you? Absolutely nothing! However, if you become a servant to your own thoughts, you will be ruled by what seems like 10 disorderly children running around a 600 sq ft China shop breaking everything in sight. I am finding that the more I am able to silence my thoughts and be still, I am slowly gaining more control back of my life, of this year, and of those 10 disorderly children. No longer am I giving power to my thoughts, but giving it back to myself to my inner peace. I find I worry less and less and am no longer in the vicious circle of never getting out of thinking, or the "chiming monkey" if you will.

No longer am I addicted to my thoughts.

I am now addicted to the sun rising in the morning, each calm breath I take, the grass under my feet, the love I feel by those around me, the odyssey that I am currently embarked on, as every one is currently on. I am addicted to life. Should the world go quiet again and be plunged into a second quarantine, I will again turn inwards, but this time I will find peace while in control no longer giving way to the black hole of thoughts whose event horizon sucked me back down into depression. I am the master of my thoughts as anyone should be in order to gain some sense of sanity in this world. I believe that we all have power in each of our thoughts, you are what you think. So I give power to the thought of hope and the thought of peace.

Always.