The Power of Stepping Away

Sometimes, your romantic relationships are a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Sometimes, you can just feel awful about yourself for years upon years. I am not an expert on domestic violence by any means. But I choose to wear my battle scars with pride.

It's not easy being in love with someone you know is not good for you. You don't know why they choose to hurt you, or why they seem to get off on the pain. Abuse can be silent yet loud at the very same time. Emotional abuse is quieter, more vicious than anyone knows. Unless you have been through it.

I have always hated the way that abuse has been romanticized in novels and television series. There is nothing romantic about being with someone that threatens to hurt you, trust me on that.

While growing up, I had heard the term domestic violence before. I understood that there were awful people out there that harmed their spouses and children with their words and actions. I never thought I would ever apply that term within my own life. People don't understand why I stayed with the father of my two children for as long as I did. I don't regret the lessons that it taught me though. Staying together for the sake of the children when there is no longer any love, does not have any benefit.

Domestic violence starts off small. It starts with love bombing and promises that were never made to be kept. It starts with small, irreversible arguments that revolve in never-ending circles. Then the threats creep through. "I'll kill myself if you leave me."

You try to leave but you feel guilted into staying. The false promises continue. Then violence escalates. It always escalates.

I think it is worse in a smaller community because nobody sees what you see. Even if they hear it, people tend to want to turn a blind eye.

Every time I sit down to write, I am reminded of how my son and I used to eat sitting side by side together at my desk. While I was still with the father of my children, I was not allowed to have a kitchen table in our small two-bedroom condo. I know it sounds ridiculous to someone who has not been through their own abusive relationship, but I honestly was not allowed to have a kitchen table. That is how absurd emotional abuse can be. I can say that now that I am further away from the situation.

The very first thing I did for myself when he moved out of that small place, was get my son and myself, our very own table and chairs set. Just less than six months later, one of those same chairs was thrown over my head and into a glass tv stand. Lesson learned for me there.

Nobody told me that the hardest part about healing from the years of abuse and emotional neglect was the anger I felt. I was angry at him for the damage that he had caused me. I was so angry with myself for feeling like I had wasted so much of my life on him. I was angry that I had continued to allow my life to be defined by my abusers', even after we were no longer together. I just was angry at the entire world for such a long time.

I still do not allow myself to dream anymore. I used to have these very intense, crazy pregnancy dreams about Animal Crossing characters. I actually really don't dream unless I am pregnant. I used to think it was because of the fact that I have grown older, but now I have concluded (with the help of my counselor) that it is due to the trauma that I have endured. Trust me when I say, there are so many things that have happened to me that I wish that I could just forget.

Toxic relationships just are not cute. At least not to me anymore. I'm still so angry with myself for protecting someone who caused me all this pain over the years. But at some point, you do have to forgive yourself for holding onto someone that chooses to hurt you.

Leaving a one-sided abusive relationship should be celebrated more. I mean that. While writing this down, I can say with great confidence that I am a much better person because of the abuse and trauma that I have endured. At least I try to be.

When you start to pour some of the love that you would put into other people, back into yourself, your relationships will begin to flourish. I am molded by the shape of my wounds and I choose to determine my healing pace. Some days I feel like I am stuck in reverse, but that is okay because I choose to believe that there are more good moments awaiting me like getting that well-earned table and chairs set.

Chloe Rose Violet