The Persistent and Perplexing Problem of Popularity

I was out with my husband recently and the venue we were at had a section closed off for a private function. Hubby said to me, ‘we’d never get that many people to one of our parties.’ In that moment, even though we made a joke about it, I felt like a failure.

Here’s what you need to know about me: I’m on the far side of forty, and basically an introvert – this is why writing is a good fit for me. Sure, I can do extrovert things, for years I volunteered at a pop culture convention where I’d deal with thousands of people each day of the con, but the truth is people tire me out. After these events, I’d need to spend a decent amount of time by myself, shut away from others.

I have things I love to do and people whose company I enjoy because of those things, but I am not popular and never have been. I was often one of the last chosen for things at school –unless it was the teachers choosing, and living on a farm I learnt to be quite happy on my own, thank you very much. My friends were characters in books, or ones I had made up, my imagination has always been incredibly vivid.

There was though, hidden inside me, a desire to be liked, at least by someone. I’m sure even the most stubborn and independent of us feel this way at times. It was John Donne in the 1600's who wrote ‘no man is an island, entire of itself.’ A sentiment that is incredibly apt today.

When the girls closest to me moved away to go to boarding school, I told myself I was fine, we weren’t that close and I’d find other friends. When my best friend left me out in the cold because she had suddenly gotten an older boyfriend, I told myself it didn’t matter because I had plenty of things to fill my time. When the people I’d made friends with at a new school told me they didn’t want me hanging around with them anymore because I was bad for their popular reputation, I was fine, because I never really felt I fit anyway.

However, these rejections did all take a toll, and this was well before social media was a thing. Now I haven’t shared these things because I want you to feel sorry for me, it was just to make a point that rejection is simply part of life. Everyone has to deal with it one way or another. It develops us as people, teaches us caution, shows us warning signs, and allows us to give of ourselves fully when we find our tribe.

It’s just…

Times have changed since I was a kid, when long distance phone calls were a big deal and we took the time to write actual letters to each other. Communication is far faster, and broader than ever, people can have access to you, twenty four/seven, and I truly believe it has caused some damage along the way. It has also implanted in people a false ideal of success.

Most of us now live our lives publicly via social media platforms. Some engage more and others little, some use it as a means of networking and keeping in touch over distance and others appear to feel as though they need to live their lives around it – posting everything, checking in everywhere, ostensibly saying look how important I am you need to see what I’m doing all the time. Now if that’s what you want to do, go ahead, knock yourself out, as far as that aspect of it goes I don’t much care, I will just scroll by.

But there-in lies the problem. I do it, scroll by, and I know you do it, but when our self-esteem is built on a foundation of virtual interaction, a scroll by is the equivalent of being ignored. We don’t want to be ignored, we want our posts to get more than five likes, and we being to make decisions based on, ‘well they didn’t seem to like that post, I’d best not do that again.’

This dear reader is where I quote that masterpiece of referencing material Star Wars

Let’s dig a little into the nitty gritty of it all.

It only takes a fraction of a second to hit a like button, in and of itself that action means very little, I don’t even need to read you post to do that. A subtle signal pulses, when no one even engages that way, telling me wow, no-one even cared. More, we are using pictures to communicate, more than words, so a post itself doesn’t even take more than a few seconds, and I can’t help but wonder if we are losing more than just the time spent communicating, we are losing the art of interaction that words require.

I don’t think this is all bad, as an introvert, I find it a convenient way to check in with my friends from all around the world. It is a great way to network with people from the industries I play in. And still it’s not all good. This form of communication, and bringing our social lives on-line, has meant we have promoted irrelevant people to new statuses just because they look pretty, or do something that pushes a boundary or social norm, not necessarily because they have any real skill or value to add to our lives.

Knowing a celebrity doesn’t know me, doesn’t stop the little heart bump of joy that happens when they interact over Twitter or Instagram. It just doesn’t last because the next post only gets one like and we go down again. Then this idea of success gets stuck in our heads as we stress about the fact that person posted a stupid pic of that llama in a dress, and hundreds or thousands like it, but only three liked my post about that achievement I’m super proud of.

This then flows over into RL (real life): On my FB group I invited a hundred people to my party, and only forty said they’d rock up, and then of them only twenty came. I must be a pitiful failure, they didn’t even want to respond virtually let alone actually want to spend time with me. All this spiralling because so much or our perceived idea of success, is tied to definitions framed by, parameters set by, social media and those who ride the crest of the digital waves.

Try as I might to ensure my mind doesn’t succumb to this kind of thinking, it does. Yet I know better. My children have been taught that it’s not about popular, it’s not about how many people like you, are nice to you, or talk to you every day. Rather it is about the depth of the relationships you have with those chosen few good enough few who are a good fit for your life. And still it is. I have seen my children withdraw from society because most of their interactions are on-line. They are hesitant to try new things, because they may not fit the norm, or even try to justify their isolation by saying I just don’t like people, when really a more accurate thing to say is ‘I’m worried if I put myself out there that I won’t be liked.’

It used to be you had no choice and simply accepted the fact that you weren’t going to be liked by everyone.

But it doesn’t matter what I say. (And yes it probably doesn’t help when I say I don’t like people, when truthfully it’s only some people I don’t like, and a bunch of stuff people do that I don’t like, but there is also stuff I do tolerate and like). I can tell them all day long that they will be fine, and that there are benefits to getting out there, (like earning money), but they won’t believe me because I am their mother and not an influencer.

Which then is a whole other issue, when did influencer become a job title, especially when you have no particular expertise and just want to score free shit for doing bugger all. By the by this concept had had a negative effect on the creative people of the world, because now people want the stuff you sweated blood creating, for free saying they can give you publicity. Do you want to know how much of that actually turns into money for the creatives – very damn little, but then that is a side bar to this little topic.

Popularity is a crock. It doesn’t make your opinions any more important, or at least it shouldn’t. You can have millions of followers because you shake your arse on a screen, but that doesn’t mean you know the first damn thing about the justice system or the science behind vaccines. Just because someone is famous, doesn’t mean we have to respect them or listen to them. It also doesn’t mean we should measure our successes in life to theirs.

For as much as technology has opened up the world, it has also shrunk it. It has shrunk it to the size of a screen, and our mental health balances precariously on the edge of a like button or emoji. It is hard enough to fight the quicksand of depression without having the clouds of supposed unpopularity blinding us to the hands outstretched to help us.

No, it’s not all bad, we just need balance, and I wish my kids would choose to live IRL a bit more. I love the way I can connect with those whose lives have intersected with mine from the different sides of the puzzle that is me. I just wish there was less weight placed on popularity, shares, and likes. Mostly I wish I didn’t sometimes fall into the trap of – if more people liked me, I’d be more successful in life.

Sure, if more or the right people liked me I’d have more book sales and that would bring me an element of happiness but when it comes down to it, I have a job I’m good at, friends who truly care – that would help me bury the body (probably) mostly that I can share all my hopes and fears with knowing they won’t judge, and a family who get me. When it comes down to it, I think I’d prefer to throw a party where only twenty people show up who genuinely care and understand that sometimes I really can’t be around people, than a hundred who just want free food and drinks.

We just need to shift our parameters of success and remember what is truly important in life.

I am fortunate to have found my tribe, it is a small inner circle, a slightly larger close friend group and then a weird Venn diagram of geeks, creatives and weirdos who throw axes for fun. And as an added bonus I even get along with some of the folks I work with. So really my life is pretty full, and I’m a published author, have spoken at an international work conference and helped develop a successful team, so I guess that makes me something of a success as well, even if no-one likes my FB posts.

PS: (Believe me I get the irony of saying what I did and now adding this) If you want to make my books more popular the first one in the series can be found here

And my stories from when I volunteered for a pop culture convention can be found here

If you want to check out more of my musings - mostly about writing related stuff but not always my blog Fragile Explosions is here.

And if you liked what I wrote or it got you thinking, heart me up – I really do like it when my words mean something to someone other than me.