The Pain of Depression

It hurts.

It physically hurts in ways you can’t even think about if you don’t know it. My arms hurt. The bones in them, like they’re filled with lava, and they’re cracking. I’m amazed you can’t see it, burning through my skin, marking, scarring me from all the pain I can’t say out loud because if I did it would just be one long scream, no breathing, no pausing, no words, just sound, one long, agonised yell. Even if there were words to say it, I couldn’t articulate my brain long enough to do it.

I’m forgetting things. Simple things, everyday things; how much water have I drunk today, did I eat dinner or skip it again, did I take my tablet, did I have sex today or was that yesterday or last week? When was the last time I really looked and saw your face? When did everything stop being real and become such a pale version of everything I knew so recently and took so for granted? When did I last feel something other than pain? When was there anything except this darkness, this gloom, this shadow on my brain and my heart and my life? Another day waking up to face what? Nothing nothing and more of it. Did I manage to just force that smile? Did it fool you? Are the cracks showing yet? It feels like they’re bleeding now. Can you see yet? Can you understand?

My future that was so bright and so golden it almost hurt to look at it and maybe I shouldn’t have because now it’s gone and it’s nothing and nowhere and I can’t get to it. My chest is open and fire is pouring out. It’s burning and it's scorching and I will never be able to come back from this because where is there to go? That’s it now, can you understand? There is nothing. There is nothing past this. This is the beginning and the middle and the end all rolled into one and it’s like a black hole swallowing everything I am and was and will be; everything I had and everything I ever could have been. Can you understand yet?

I’m breathless. I can’t breathe enough, my head is full of static and noise and chattering and it’s loud and it hurts. My body is burning up and yet my brain is so cold, so distant and busy that it can’t stop and help. I’m staring into the darkness and no, there are no monsters staring back, it’s worse, it’s empty, and I can’t slow down and I’m hurtling towards it and what happens when I reach it? Will I finally have broken down into nothing—just dust and ashes and dirt? Where did I go? I know I used to be someone but I just can’t find her anymore. What am I? How do I get back to her? Is there a lifeline, a chord, some breadcrumbs I can follow? Why are there no road signs to lead me home? I don’t know where I am. I can’t find my way out.

It hurts.