The Orb

by Opal Aylwin 8 days ago in depression

It was not just a feeling anymore

The Orb

It was not just a feeling anymore; it became the norm. I was not alone, I was surrounded by many (family and friends), but I was lonely.

The loneliness created an orb, the orb was not big, but it had this… pull. It was located right in front of my heart, right near the surface. It controlled me and all of my emotions. This orb, that fed of energy (good and bad, but it’s strength build on the negative), was very heavy. Sometimes, if I were starting to feel at ease or maybe if I were just the slightest bit anxious, I could feel it put pressure on me. It would come out of my chest, and it would way me down. The scary part is that no one could see it but me.

All everyone else saw was that I slept a lot or ate a lot. All they would see me as was lazy. The others they would think I was weird, angry, ungrateful, or mean. They could not see it; they could see it was the orb. The more the others pushed me away, the bigger the orb got and the smaller I became.

I did not know what to do, I felt like I was drowning, screaming for help and all everyone did was stare. They could not see the orb pulling me down, dragging me towards the depth of the shallow darkness I was trying to break free from.

The orb became so powerful that it started to take away my favorite things. It started small, simple disinterest. “I guess it was a phase” or “must have grown out of it”, I those closest to me say. It was not that, I wanted to paint, go out with my friends and be able to watch a movie with my family. I just could not because it would not let me. Every time I gathered the energy and strength to step out of my room, it would block the way and inject me with this crippling pain and sadness that would render me incapable of getting up from my bed.

As time passed, and it became stronger, the orb decided to intervene with my school and work. It slowly took way my ability to process anything that was said. Everything became such a hassle. I did not have control of it, it was just growing and taking over. Slowly, numbers and letters became difficult to process and my mind was taken over by this mist. It was a dense cloud, grey and thick. I could see the mist destroying all of it, the orb would show me how I would try to absorb information, simple tasks or even any feelings anyone would show towards me (love, worry, concern). At that point it took everyone else from me, my loves ones, my friends, the random smiles that would greet me when walking down the street.

That is when the shadow came and took the light away. It made the sun light burn my eyes and the orb would spread the mist all around me. I no longer really had any feelings towards it or anything else for that matter. I know only just felt sad or lonely but mostly numb.

I knew at that point that I had been consumed by it. The orb had won the battle and the war. There was nothing else for me to do but just give in. And so I did. The days became longer, the night became shorter and restless. My voice, I began to lose that too. The few times that I could steal away some energy from it to say something, anything, it would come out in a burst of anger.

It took everything away, I had become invisible. No one could see me anymore; I was now a memory that people reflected back on from the random pictures of me throughout the house.

I don’t know how much time had passed as even time lost meaning. I was feeling particularly numb one day and decided to take a walk in the park. It was a particularly gloomy day, the sky was grey and the day was musky and icy cold. The type of cold that makes your nose red and makes you feel like you are actually inhaling little shards of ice every time you breath.

I did not know why I went to the park, I vaguely remember a time when I used to enjoy being there. My favorite spot was next to the river, walking around, smelling the fresh water and listening to the calming sounds of the water moving back and forth.

I guess I went to look for any of those feelings that could push the mist. As I got closer to the water, I think the Orb could tell why I went, so it filled me with this immense sadness. There was so much by the time I made it to the river, the sadness was seeping out of me through tears. Giant, salty tears that got lost within the rain that started to pour so heavily.

I could see my reflection on the water, well I think it was my reflection. The person looking back was very familiar and looked a lot like me. There were some differences though, there were these dark circles around the eyes, so dark they looked painful. The unrest was also evident in the rest of the face, and the eyes, those were the most chocking to see looking back at me. They had no light, they were empty. The reflection although not what I remembered was definitely me.

So I sat there, by the water and under the rain. I cried and mourned the loss of myself. I cried even though I could see the Orb getting stronger. I cried even though my eyes began to hurt and a knot formed in my throat. I cried and let go of everything, I cried until I was empty. I cried until the tears stopped coming out, I cried until I could not cry anymore. Then I sat there, and I let the cool breeze dry my face. I sat there beyond the heaviness in my chest and the emptiness in my head. I sat there until I was able to take a deep breath. I filled my longs with fresh air and exhaled until I can pick up a normal rhythm again. I did that 2 more times and as I exhaled a third time I had this jolt of electricity run inside me from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head. It was weak and fleeting, but I new that I had to take it before the Orb would notice.

And so I ran away. I ran as fast I could run without looking back. I ran through the park and made it to the clearing of the street the would take me home. I looked around, took another deep breath and started to run again. I ran and ran and ran, until I got to the door of my house. I rang the doorbell insistently, hoping that they would let me in before the Orb caught up to me.

Finally, my mother opened the door. At first mad, then slightly frightened at my disheveled look. Now worried, she asked me if anything had happened to me as she searched for signs of wounds. As she searched me and I caught my breath, I noticed she could see me again. I think she noticed how long it had been because she stopped and stared back at me speechless. Then, I was hit with the slightest bit of relief and ran to her. I hugged her as tight as I could, and this warmth took over me as she hugged me back the way she only knew how.

I could feel the Orb getting closer and before it could take again, I looked at her said “Help, please, help”.

As she took me back in her arms I knew that she would do everything she could to do just that. I knew part of her felt guilty for not having noticed herself that I was not myself. I told her everything, all that I could. And as the Orb came to take me back, I saw that she could see it now. Somehow the Orb became smaller, it was still there and it was still powerful but it was smaller.

And best of all, now I knew, I was not alone.

depression
Opal Aylwin
Opal Aylwin
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