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The Night is Dark and Full of Panic

by Kelly Sapien 2 years ago in anxiety

This was my thought process while working through a panic/anxiety attack.

Sometimes you forget how to breath. Sometimes you shake so bad you have to use two hands to drink a glass of water. Sometimes you forget how to speak and you stutter. Sometimes you feel the whole world is literally on your shoulders and it's all pressing you down. And sometimes you think you are such a mess that everyone can tell that you are panicking and it makes you panic more. It's a shaking in your chest that isn't really diagnosable. It's a jitter in the hands when you are uncomfortable. It's the butterfly in your stomach that has nothing to do with your soul mate. Its feeling alone when you are surrounded by those you love. Anxiety eats away at everything. Every thought, every movement, every interaction. I'm confident on the outside, I am the I don't care what you think I am living MY life person. But on the inside, more often than not, I am living in a hurricane. My thoughts are 90 mph winds, my feelings the swelling ocean. I am a wreck. But. Put on a strong face and don't let anyone know. Because that would be showing weakness and letting people know there is something different about you. Your family will worry because they don't quite understand the feeling, or have been thought to just deal. And it's just trying to get through the day till you can come home to an absolute safe place. Its handling your business, while trying not to literally shake apart. And the worst of all, as I mentioned before. Is the absolute aloneness you feel in all of this. You can have a spouse who goes through the same things, or is empathetic to your feelings. But at the end of the day, it's you. It's you fighting these issues. It's you learning to smile through the storm and make everyone believe you're not completely broken down inside. Because "it'll pass" , "just be happier", "you're just being dramatic". There are some people who will ask "What's wrong, how can I fix this?" And while that helps, it still makes you feel broken. Anxiety is a parasite. It pulls little bits from you everyday. And yes you can fight to get those pieces back, but when are you just done? When is it too much to fight everyday to not feel lonely, or scared, or like the worst human on this earth? And it doesn't drive you to suicide, because then you get anxiety about leaving those you love behind. But it drives you to nothingness, which is almost worse. It puts you into a depression that even if you didn't have depression is hard to get out of. And you know what sucks the most? It's the absolute panic of it all, because what if my anxiety causes me to lose, or miss, or forget, or just not be able to care because I am dealing with too much inside? I don't know why "God", or who ever you believe in, made this a thing. Scientists will say it's just a chemical imbalance. But I say it's an unfair human condition that no normal working brain should have. So why do so many of us suffer from it? And why do I feel so alone because of it? Am I broken, am I lost, am I just a misprint in the human species? The only answer I have for any of those questions is, I don't know and all I can do is keep pushing on. And breaking through the panic. Because at the end of the day, I am a pet mom, a wife, and a loved daughter, sister, and friend. And they make this life worth living. Even with the uneasiness I feel pretty much every day, I can't leave them behind. This life isn't fair, it's not fair I battle this. But life rarely is fair. So I guess let's go.


Kelly Sapien

I am a 24 year old living in the Colorado Rockies. I use my writing as an outlet when life becomes too much.I spend as much time outside with my husband and dog as I can! I have a really hard time sharing my writings, because anxiety...

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