The Mind-Imposter

Some days I look in the mirror and as soon as I am about to say "I am a good person with a good heart", my mind imposter swoops in and says things like:

"No you're not. You manipulate. You pretend to be happy. You pretend to be good. You ARE the problem."

Growing up and living with my mother after the divorce, I was told almost daily how bad I was.

I "deserved" and I "earned" whatever I got.

I got sent to my room or punished for anything.

One time I could not find a dog spoon so I was grounded for 3 months and banned to be only my room. Right before my summer break.

I watched everyone else run around outside on the block playing. I was 11. And it was my mother who hid the spoon.

Growing up with a narcissist who had mental health issues and addictions made me think I was crazy for "imagining" abuse.

It took me years after moving out to justify it.

I remember as an adult with 2 kids, having her text me after years acting "calm and normal". She spelled correctly and she was asking me coherent questions like an old "friend" catching up. She even sent a picture to me of "us" from her "wallet" which was an awkward AF pic of me all skinny and pale, with the worst expression on my face.

The face of an abused kid. A broken kid.

And I remembered there how she would manipulate, taunt, and shove her fingers into my wounds.

She would yell to get me crying and then tell me all I do is cry. That babies cry.

I now know at 29 that, yes, it was abuse. Yes, she was and IS an addict. Actively and still.

She was and IS mentally ill, without medication or intervention.

She was and IS not in my life for those reasons.

I made it my boundary in May (2019) to block her out of my life for good.

14 years after moving out. Which I still phrase it as such even though I was thrown out and she changed the locks within that week. I was 16 and pregnant. And it "ruined her life".

It was ALWAYS my fault.

Projection. Gaslighting. Manipulation. Blackouts. The rollercoaster of being in a relationship that is volatile and unstable for anyone, but especially a child.

I have had to reparent myself and educate my inner child as well as the adult I now am.

The adult body I feel trapped in when I stare into the mirror.

I cannot believe I am a good person.

Not because I think I am actually a liar.

But because her voice became louder than my own.

Her voice was built on irrationality, addictions, unhealthy expectations, violated boundaries, and chemical altering of each mood she slid smoothly into like a greased-up mouse.

I have to teach myself the difference.

I do have rational thoughts.

I am powerful.

I have survived by making phone calls, doing research, making plans, executing them, creating solutions from nothing.

I have always grown on my own account. In my own way.

Every hardship ever has been tackled.

I have a strong spirit and I KNOW IT.

But so did she.

I have realized over the years that I am hard to contain.

I have BIG ENERGY.

LOUD OPINIONS.

I love to play big when not held back.

But I've let abusive people sneak in and hold me back. "Because they needed me."

And every need, whether fulfilled or not, was ridiculed.

But that was all I knew about "love".

How to please and be hurt in return.

Now I have tools to accompany my strength.

Awareness. Resources. And metaphorical scissors.

I am now a woman unbound.

No more being held back.

And self-doubt also holds me back.

Irrational fears bind me from being more.

I will no longer entertain the notion that I am not good.

My truths are being told because so many of you have a voice inside telling you the bullshit that keeps you bound up by trauma.

Cut it loose now.

It is time.

Because now you have the ability to know better.