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The Mental Illness Fear Factor

How My Illness Scares Me

By Ashley L. PetersonPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Featured Image via Pixabay

Sadly, those who are uninformed often fear mental illness. They believe that it's unknown, unpredictable, and potentially dangerous. Those of us living with mental illness fear it too, although for much different reasons. Or perhaps, not so different; we know firsthand how unpredictable the illness can be, and how dangerous we can become to ourselves.

When things are going well, we fear that this is too good to last. The next illness relapse might be just around the corner. We know that this kind of illness is chronic. With every acute episode of illness, the chances of having another episode that happens sooner and lasts longer will grow steadily higher.

There's a fear of never getting better, and just continuing to spiral further and further downward until we drown in a stormy sea of illness. I fear that I have forever lost my well self. She is a self who was able to enjoy things and be optimistic about what the future held. I miss her a great deal, and I wish I could be her again. As the days, months, and years go by, though, I fear that she has melted out of existence.

There's fear over how the illness will affect our ability to interact with others. Not everyone is understanding of mental illness, and inevitably some people will pull away. Even if they want to help, they often don't know how, and the rift just grows wider and wider. There are the people that we push away because of irritability, agitation, and other symptoms of illness. There are the family members who are still there, but the relationships will just never be the same.

There's fear over being unable to work because of the illness, and associated fears around finances. I'm able to work very little now, and I'm not sure that's something that's going to improve as time goes on. I haven't applied for disability assistance yet, and I know it can be hard to get. Right now I've got savings so I can manage, but I know at some point that's going to run out, and I have no idea what I'll do then. I fear that at some point it will become challenging for me to avoid the basic necessities of life.

There's another kind of financial fear for those with bipolar disorder, where the next manic spending spree could result in massive amounts of debt. I don't have bipolar, so this isn't something I've faced myself, but I've witnessed how devastating it can be.

There is a fear of death. Not so much a fear of dying, but fear of the impact our illness might have. That might look like dying completely alone. Or it might look like death by suicide. For me, there is a strong suspicion that at some nebulous point in the future, my life will end by suicide. It's something that has stopped frightening me and become something I think of in quite a detached, matter of fact sense.

So how do we live with all of this fear? I think much of it comes down to a perceived lack of control in the face of what are often very difficult circumstances. Even our best treatments do not cure mental illness, and some of us will get to a stage where we always have at least some symptoms present.

I wonder sometimes if fear is a form of resistance or a form of acceptance. Maybe it's a resistance that helps us to keep on fighting. There's something to be said psychologically for acceptance, but not if it results in giving in to illness. Perhaps the best kind of acceptance makes space for this fear, allowing it to be present.

I suppose the answer is to both accept and resist at the same time. Resist the urge to give up and let the illness win, and accept that the reality of mental illness is that there can only be limited control over it. The fear can't change outcomes in a meaningful way, so it's not something to be acted on. It's something to sit with, no matter how uncomfortable that may be.

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About the Creator

Ashley L. Peterson

Mental health blogger | Former MH nurse | Living with depression | Author of 4 books: A Brief History of Stigma, Managing the Depression Puzzle, Making Sense of Psychiatric Diagnosis, and Psych Meds Made Simple | Proud stigma warrior

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