The Me You See Vs. The Me I See

You see me as a girl who is shy... quiet... reserved...

I see me as a girl who is riddled with trauma and anxiety; scared that if she says something wrong, then she'll be punished or disliked.

I can still remember the exact moment I thought it would just be easier if I talked as little as possible and went along with whatever people expected of me. I've held that belief for far too long.

The incident happened in a giftshop on a family vacation. I cannot remember my exact age, but I think I was around 7-8. I can picture the giftshop vividly but I have no other memories from the trip. We were in either Tennessee or Florida (because those are the only two places we really went for vacation) but I honestly have no idea which one.

The giftshop, like most do, had the fancy looking lighters near the checkout with different pictures or colors on them. I didn't know that they were lighters because we didn't have those kind of lighters in my house. I picked one of the lighters up to inspect it and figure out what it was... and my dad didn't like that. He raised his voice (it felt like yelling to me) and told me to put it down and that I didn't need to be touching that.

Now, I understand that a child doesn't need to touch lighters, but you can tell them calmly to put it down and why. The way he told me brought everyone's attention to us, and also caused my mom to tell him off for talking to me like that.

In that moment as a child, seeing how my actions caused my dad to raise his voice at me which then caused my mom to get mad at him, it felt like I should only say or do things that I knew were going to be "safe" things. Until recently, I would not say or do anything around my family that I either knew they wouldn't like or was unsure of how they would react to it.

Of course, that incident was not the only thing that made me feel that way and it feels almost silly to attribute most of my reasoning to that one event because I'm sure neither one of them even remembers it happening. But that was the moment it felt like time froze and I broke.

As time passed and I got older, I tried to act more like myself when I was with friends, but it was still hard for multiple reasons. I'm still not completely myself around anyone because of everything that happened when I was young and things I told myself.

I've never discussed this publicly because I did not want to hurt my family. I don't blame them for anything and I didn't want them to think I did. I have only decided to talk about it now because I am getting married in a few months and to me that means that my family does not get to control my life anymore (I know that I did not need to be married to put my foot down and live my life, but I personally needed to feel secure and supported).

Right now, it feels like I can "see the light at the end of the tunnel" so to speak. I am sharing this now instead of after I get married because I have more healing that I need to do by myself before I can support my significant other in the way that I want to. I felt like sharing this would help me to continue healing.

I have stayed silent for so long and I don't want to keep my true self from the world anymore.