The Longest Night Of My Life

Neurons ripple through my mind, Ricochet from fact to fantasy. Rails leading trains of thought high jacked by invasive thoughts, manifested by my paranoia and anxiety. Heart rate races, tension builds forcing down my neck and shoulders. My eyes fixed open staring at the darkness of our bedroom. A place that should be safe now seems so painful. “Stop” the only word I could muster under this shroud of doubt. The word dissolves as each second passes; I glance over to her sleeping head. “She loves you, she would never hurt you.” My forever friends whisper gently into my ear, “Its right there just get it and stop this madness”, “Just a quick peak to prove she’s still yours?” A small moan released to reinforce that my next actions are nothing but distrustful.

Answers now resting in my cold shivering hand, the thoughts of innocence leave my mind. Stillness emanates from her beautiful body whilst mine begins to shake violently as though my gremlin soul was placed into water. Demons scratch through my bones, guiding each finger into scrolling. The hope, the love, the faith that we were eternal reveals its mortal confines as I see each paragraph that will torture me for years to come. Love, Want and Miss these words that were once used to made me stand taller than any man, now capsize the structural supports of my heart. I can’t bare it, tears fall down my face. Every direction my eyes meet is met by our photos and memories of the life thrown away fecklessly. The urge to scream, shout or even cry fills my body. My friends ripping me apart, the rage they exude helps the anger fills my lungs. ”KILL HER” roars the beast inside. “If you don’t I will”. “Don’t listen to him, he’s angry just calm yourself down” reassures my friends. I prepare myself to scream at her to ruin her sleep, to make her understand the pain she has placed upon me. But no... , Wait… I’m stronger than this, the evidence is right there. There’s no way denial is an option now. Only six hours left until morning, I stew for hours revising and revisiting the text that now haunts me. Plans of the confrontation play out and build in my brain. I spend all night thinking of what to say, what she might say or even if there’s a small chance I’m wrong and this was some form of mistake I hadn’t conceived of yet.

Three o’clock then Four o’clock, still brewing still waiting, not long now. There is a plethora of information that I need to extract somehow. “Remain calm and talk, don’t jump the gun or she won’t answer you” remarks one voice. “I’ll try my best, I’m feeling confident I think internally”. More time passes, the confidence I felt cemented into place. Thoughts that our future is still possible flutter throughout my mind. Finally 7AM, it is time. My disembodied prosecution help fill my headspace with the question list. Morning breaks and her face lights up, “Good Morning” Yawns the once half to my whole. Instantaneously without hesitation, I ask, ”who is he? And how long?”. So much for the calm approach I thought. Quickly she fights back. Who? Have you been through my phone? “Yes”, now answer the question. Then the following five words single handily crushed all confidence I had. “I Just Don’t Love You” My chest tightens and I feel a physical break inside my heart. Those words, oh how they hurt. So unexpected yet delivered so effortlessly. The reward I believed I would get in the form of answers lacked that of even a participation prize. THE END