The Journey

Always take the path less traveled. We tend to hear that a lot on motivational quotes. And even though that seems so adventurous and exciting, wandering off in a direction no one else has taken, my gosh, where would it lead? Well, let me tell you, it is terrifying concept for someone who is walking the path less traveled with panic disorder, cause where the hell is this path going to lead!!!???!!!!

My panic disorder has been apart of me for so long I cannot even begin to remember when it all started. Maybe it started when I was a small child that was so shy that at her own birthday parties with all her family around she would hide under the table while everyone sang happy birthday. Or maybe it started when my parents got divorced when I was a teenager. Maybe it was struggling as a young mother with no help from anyone. Better yet, maybe none of that caused any of it and it's something I have walked with from the day I learned to walk.

Now having panic disorder is a daily struggle. Some day's I can't even get out of bed, or off the couch or manage to even shower for days. I struggle to hold down jobs because my panic disorder would rather do the job for me, like remind me how I messed up dead lines, or how I will not succeed. The panic can send me in a tail spin of out of body experiences, almost me looking at myself from the outside in. It causes stroke like symptoms that are so real feeling, but it is all something my brain creates on it's own (pretty scary sounding, but it's true). It's ruined relationships with lovers, friends and family.

But, even with all those negative effects it has on me, done to me, believe it or not, my panic disorder has actually made me stronger. Actually a crazy statement to make for something that cripples you to a complete nothingness Because of my panic disorder, I over look into things, everything. I pick apart conversations, dissect emails, text messages, now this may sound obsessive, but it has actually saved me many times by finding out lies that were told or things being held back from me, because my panic disorder has made me become hypersensitive. I watch a person and just the subtle change in body position, eye movement, nervously running their hand through their hair, I notice every little thing and let me tell you that is a blessing in disguise. I now know when to not approach someone just on how I can read their body language, or when it is ok to approach them. It's raised my intuition to a higher level, I know when things are going to happen before they do, or when to remove myself from a situation. Even how a person is feeling emotionally that day.

Recently, I have been working with what triggers my panic disorder and even though there are bad days, there are also good ones. I have started to over come fears that my panic disorder tries to throw at me, like going to a party or simply going to the grocery store or visiting a loved one. And every time I told my panic disorder NO NOT TODAY! I won that argument, and panic had to take a back seat that day and that is an amazing feeling.

I know I will never fully get rid of my panic disorder. In all honesty, I don't want to. Its a part of me, it's who I am. It's always been there for me, as you have read, through all the good and the bad. It's been with me longer than most people have. So I will keep on this path hand in hand with my panic disorder and we will finish this life out together.

End Note: Anyone that suffers from a panic disorder, anxiety or depression, please know you are not alone.