The Insomniac

I have this thing, where I repress all of my feelings unintentionally to avoid feeling the pain. I bottled the pain away and stored it in the wine cellar of my mind with the rest. They lay perfectly on the shelves, with mismatched labels. Each time I enter the cellar, I debate opening one of the delicious bottles, knowing once I start, I won’t stop until there is nothing left. Instead, I admire the bottle's beauty from a distance, knowing one day the room will shatter every bottle and I will consume every emotion I worked so hard to avoid. One day I will be so lucky to indulge in the beautiful liquid emotion which fills the bottles. One day I will put everything to rest.

Why am I telling you this? Simply an explanation for the reason I am an insomniac. As they say, there is no rest for the wicked. Or perhaps I’ll just sleep when I am dead.

I lay awake at night knowing that the bottles are rattling in the confines of my mind, begging to explode into tiny shards of glass. The bottles want to hurt me, and I know I won’t breathe or sleep until I let them. I know that pain demands to be felt but damn, I’ve stored too much to be able to handle it all at once. I have others to lean on, however they can't help me pour the liquid into my mouth, they can't swallow the poison for me. All they can do is encourage me, and reassure me that once I allow the bottles to be emptied, I will not be alone.

Waiting patiently for the strength to begin this process, I continue to add to my collection, desperately trying to cope with everything in my life. The fear, the sadness, the trauma, the horrible things, along with the love, the trust, the passion, the amazing things. I didn't just choose to ignore the bad, I bottled it all up, good things too. All of my emotions scratching at the surface of the cellar door; begging, screaming, rattling at the seams of the door which they are trapped behind.

I know what they want, and it gets tempting to give in. To let these feelings rain down on my bare soul. To empty the closet of demons and feel the rush of every wave push me to become the person I was always meant to be. The person who isn't broken, but had the strength to face everything and make it out alive.

It’s been a long time coming, but I am finally ready. The new year is approaching and I am ready for a clean slate. I am ready to take each and every bottle, and shatter them into a million pieces, spraying emotions and glass all over. I am ready to acknowledge years of pain which I refused to feel. I am ready to become the person I was meant to be. To learn the lessons I was meant to learn. To let it all in so that I can move on.

This year I am going to be myself. I will not suppress who I am any longer. I will be unapologetically me. This is going to be a constant battle, but I am ready to fight for what I deserve. I am ready to feel rested when I wake up. I am ready to breathe deeper, and find more meaning behind my decisions. I am ready to let it all in.

My resolution for this year is to do whatever it takes to start 2022 relaxed, refreshed and renewed.