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The Hurricane Within Me

My Battle with BPD

By Brittany Published 6 years ago 3 min read
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I'm lost again. My identity is nothing more than a floating existence with a name. I lie in bed and loathe myself, tears streaming down my face collecting on my pillow. I ask myself why repeatedly already knowing the answer but it never seems to quell the cycle. My chest is tight and a ceaseless pounding echos in my head. It's all my fault, it's always MY fault. If I could be anything but what I am it would've never happened like this. Prettier, smarter, thinner, fatter, ANYTHING but what I AM and it would've never happened like this. This has been my routine, this has been my daily endeavor. Any slight inconvenience, a loss of love or loved one, any change in stability or routine throws me into a whirlwind of lost. I try to hide it from the world but it shows, oh does it show. Living with borderline personality disorder is like living in a constant hurricane. The clouds churn and there is no clarity in sight. You try to ease the storm and for a moment, after enough alcohol, pills, the brief attention from another being, anything you can get your hands on, you might create an artificial eye of the storm. A temporary calm. But it's still there, forever lurking and after your eye passes you find you've only given it more power. The guilt and remorse of your effort to stop the chaos only fuels it and on you rage.

I can try to hold it back, stifle tears, and push the thoughts so far down there's a pit in my stomach. The painful truth is that that's all I can do. I've gotten so good at distractions. Pinching my palm or biting my tongue. Anything to change the direction of the hormonal waves that slam me daily. I've tried expressing my emotions only to be met with backlash. People only care to understand what they comprehend and much of my behavior has been incomprehensible. At least in their eyes. I've grown tired of explaining myself to the not sick. I've been laughed at, given up on, or mocked more times than I care to count. It's also left relationships damaged even if I may have had the best of intentions. The struggle to get better is very much my own. You learn that very quickly. I've met error after error trying to pave a path to wellness. It's not an easy battle, not for the faint of heart as they say. I've been witness to my own self destruction with a voice pleading to stop met to no avail. But regardless of all of these things, here I am fighting everyday. I have never given up, even if at times I may have felt I was on my last limb, and in the process learned some very difficult lessons. One thing I've learned is that in pain you find creation and in pain you find growth. I am becoming much more than my disorder. I am still me, the girl with the big heart and beautiful mind. I am starting to see that this hurricane can lash around me but I don't have to react or fall victim to its screams. I know this will be a forever battle one that I can't expect anyone to understand. I will make mistakes and even relapse into that dark place in my mind. No one will be here to hold my hand or wipe my tears. And that's okay. I know there are so many others out there fighting this same fight and this gives me hope. Because just like me they're finding their way, just like me they're making mistakes, but just like me they are still standing.

personality disorder
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About the Creator

Brittany

I'm a mother, a painter, a writer, a health enthusiast and anything else I care to be on a daily basis. I find freedom in art and self care, just trying to be the light when things get dark.

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