The hidden soul.

Sometimes being a positive person is not enough. It is not enough even trying to bring the best in yourself or other people. It doesn’t work that way. I always believed in understanding people and always thought to get the best out of everyone and I hoped that one day someone would see the same in me but, it seems that people have this perception that I have everything under control and everything goes smoothly in my life. Even my own family doesn’t seem to see me. Oh, what they don’t know, they have no idea, or they do not want to accept that I might not be this strong happy person I seem to give the impression I am. I might not be this healthy confident individual that looks like has everything under control. One of my friends once told me that they wished that they were me, as I was having an easy life. He even went further telling me that I was spoiled, and I never seen hardship despite the fact that he knew very little about me. An easy life! Spoiled and no hardship?! And my response to that! Volunteering my life with a smile. My partner the only person who has been through it all with me, even him seem to not understand. Sometimes on the middle of arguments he goes on to tell me that “I am faking it all”. How I wanted to be that way, but all I do when he says that, is just stop the argument and walk away! Oh, how I wished all this assumption were true! I have no idea how all the people I know and love, none of them sees me, let alone understands me. I wish someone could only see how much I struggle. How every day I push myself to the limits to get out of bad and look, feel or be normal! How being outside for me is like death coming every day! How socialising with people, being in open spaces or busy places brings on me a state where I feel numb and inexistent and at that moment the only thing I do is work with my body so it doesn’t show the shake and the fear is having inside. And I smile and I exhaust myself with talking, to remove the attention from my body. How no one sees me for so many years I do not know. Lately I am job-hunting. I am trying to fight the fear inside the shake when I have to face the interviewer. I am trying to be strong, and use all the techniques I learned in the counselling sessions but how? It has been too long in my body, too long to even remember how I used to be before. Everyone who sees me thinks I am fine and there is nothing wrong with me. Oh, I so wished they could see behind the beautiful curtains. Is another whole world a world that has no meaning, just fear? I am so scared all the time but lately, I am scared of my thoughts as I know that they are breaking my sanity. so, I have decided to stop thinking all together. Maybe if I don’t think everything will be ok and no one will keep telling me that I am not doing enough, or I am not trying enough. Maybe there is a way to fight this anxiety and my agoraphobia maybe my fears are only in my mind. But until there is an answer, I have to fight with my body every day and who knows people will stop seeing my hidden soul. And everything will stop being seen wrong.